Turns out I was wrong the other day. Sure, invading the field and trying to win the World Series through people-powered revolution seems like a good idea. It might even work. However, it’s just too unwieldy and unsure a mechanism. Actually, I should have been paying more attention while responding to the filibuster question because that shows the easiest, most direct route to victory.
See, if you just declare yourself the winner in the face of all facts and evidence to the contrary, who can dispute you? You’ve already shown that you don’t care about “facts” or other peoples’ so-called “reality.” No, real reality is whatever you decide it is. In the case of Gbagbo, reality is that he won the election and the other candidate should pack it in and go home. In the case of the Tigers, they need to stop paying attention to other teams’ and the league’s definition of “victory” and decide for themselves what it means.
Once you’ve created your own rules and then pick and choose which ones you choose to follow and when you choose to follow them, you can’t help but win! Here’s an example.
I have now decided that that Tigers actually won the World Series in 2006. Although the Cardinals may have scored more runs, several of those runs were due to pitcher errors that I don’t accept. This in turn nullifies those runs making the final tally in the series 4 games to 1 in favor of the Tigers. And yes, I think it’s appropriate to go ahead and have a victory parade now. We can decide that it’s November of 2006 for a couple hours which will also help.
I plan to apply this to all Tigers games going forward and also to Michigan football. I thought about using it for the Lions as well but I’m pretty sure that even this system couldn’t overcome the incredible assclownishness left behind by Matt Millen.
P.S. Yes, I’m aware that Gbagbo was captured. Doesn’t change the fact that his plan worked for several months.
On a team full of young guns, sometimes you wonder which one packs the most punch. David Price can mow ’em down and the rest of the Rays have been deadly efficient while playing in the toughest division in baseball. But if you have to pick one guy who completely embodies the firepower the Rays have shown, you’d have to go with Evan Longoria…..and his AK-47.
Ok, it’s actually no longer “his” AK-47 after its recent theft but still, there’s no denying that Longoria is packing. And lest the conspiracy theorists start ascribing nefarious meanings in hushed whispers, Longoria legally owned the weapon by all accounts. I guess the bigger question here is, why do Longoria and other sports stars feel the need to own weapons like this?
I get owning a hunting rifle. I own a hunting rifle. Growing up in Michigan, there’s a good reason for gun ownership, especially with the deer overpopulation problem. There’s a big difference, though, between owning a hunting rifle and purchasing a deer permit in Michigan than owning (and carrying) a handgun in New York or DC or keeping an assault rifle in your spring training house in Florida. I’m guessing it wasn’t there because he was planning on single-handedly eliminating the Florida python problem.
I’m not judging Longoria here. It’s quite possible he has a legitimate reason for owning an AK-47. I’m sure that the stress of playing up to a multi-million dollar contract wears on you and sometimes you just got to get your gun on to release a little bit of that tension. However, I am questioning his judgement. You’re in Florida. I’m sure there are half a dozen places within a short drive where you could go rent a gun, purchase some rounds and fire to your heart’s content. For instance, this place also offers air conditioning, a big plus in the Florida humidity, and I found it on the first page of my Google search.
Mr. Longoria, you’re a great baseball player with a wonderful future ahead of you. It would be nice to talk about that future instead of the theft of your assault rifle. So maybe let’s focus a little more on gunning down base runners than mowing down, uh, whatever it is you plan on mowing down with an AK-47. Ok?
The year is still young and full of potential. This could be the year that the Tigers return to the World Series and finish what they started in 2006. This could be the year when the Lions approach .500. This could even be the year when the University of Michigan finally ends its travesty of an experiment with Rich Rodriguez and hires someone who actually knows how to coach.
But before we sail off into the sea of “what might be,” I want to take one more look at “what was” in the best way I know how. Through the immortal words of Usher, Enrique and Ke$ha:
Hey, where’s the Bieber?
I love snow. I love Christmas. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I’m from Michigan. December isn’t just the most wonderful time of the year, it’s also the time of the year when the Lions finish up and we can pretend that the next season will be better.
Sure, there’s also plenty of baseball news and as a Tigers’ fan I can’t help but be happy because of the Victor Martinez news. But, since there are only a couple of weeks until Christmas, I think I’ll just focus on that. And here’s my opening salvo for the season:
The other day my good friend Mr. Lung pointed out the greatest tragedy facing those of us born in the mitten. Do we choose to root for our Lions or do we turn our back on the state and find a team that occasionally, uh, wins? For most of us, the obvious answer is the former and the results are inevitable. Each year we face new lows in terms of records set and experience new embarrassments in terms of ways of losing.
But, there is one reason we can all be proud to be Lions’ fans. His name is Barry Sanders and, as The Onion pointed out, although he will always be associated with the awfulness that is the Lions, that perhaps makes his accomplishments shine even more brightly. Observe:
We may have nothing to show for it but you can never take the Barry away from us
The events of this past holiday weekend finally confirmed a suspicion I had harbored for a while. God is screwing with us.
Oh yes, I know this is blasphemy. And to make a statement like this during the advent just adds fuel to the bonfires already being stoked for heretics like myself. But it doesn’t make it any less true. Look at the facts.
On Saturday Michigan lost to The Ohio State University for the seventh time in a row. And it wasn’t even close. Consecutive defeats would be bad. Four in a row is unimaginable. But seven straight times? That’s ludicrous. Terrelle Pryor will graduate (or at least leave OSU) never having known the stinging scorn of the Ohio State fans because of his performance in a loss to the Maize and Blue. Sure, the Tigers may have picked up Victor Martinez and stolen a little bit of Ohio’s soul in the process. But seven straight losses? By comparison, that almost makes this palatable:
No god that actually liked us would let Leslie Nielsen die on Thanksgiving weekend. That’s not funny. That’s just mean. Sure, Nielsen may not have done anything recently but his work with OJ in the Naked Gun movies made him a legend. To die at this point instead of at the very capable hand of Mr. Simpson just seems cruel.
This all leads us to the final and indisputable fact which proves without question that god is screwing with us. He purposely messed up an NFL game yesterday. Yeah, really. It would be easy to believe that Johnson just plain and simple dropped the ball. Just like it would be easy to believe that a 14-year old virgin gave birth to a kid a couple millennium ago. But the truth is, it’s just god screwing with us.
Anyway, get out there and live it up this week. Have fun, go crazy, don’t stop. And if something does go wrong, just remember that it’s probably god screwing with you.
And for most of us, Friday = Fun day!
But then there are some of us, like my loquacious and oft-curt colleague, Mr. Allen Krause, for whom Friday = yesterday was a bad day. Again.
Let me explain:
Hate me ‘cuz I don’t know pain like a Lions fan knows pain, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
P.S. Al loves Matt Millen.