Tagged: Newt Gingrich

Sell Me Some Access

There was a bidding war for my services once.

Okay, technically it was more of a catfight than a bidding war, but I guarantee you it was fierce.  I was in college at the time, and I somehow duped two girls into believing I was A-list boyfriend material.  A gnarly girlpocalypse ensued.

It was awesome.

Then there was also the time in middle school where, for a small fee of one US American dollar, I would open up my father’s Playboy collection for viewing, all in the name of health and sex education, of course.

But I’ve never been Yu Darvish-ed before.  I mean, I’ve never had a bunch of folks throwing MAD MONEY at me just for the opportunity to negotiate a contract.  I know, I know, it’s hard to believe, but Nolan Ryan has never gone all in on my ass…ets.  My assets.  That’s what I meant to say.

Personally, I cannot WAIT to see Yu Darvish in action.  I’ve been salivating at his proposed Major League entry since the ’09 WBC and now it looks like I may finally get my wish.  Picture a 2012 season with an Adam Wainwright, a Stephen Strasburg AND a Yu Darvish!?!?!?  Somebody douse me with Gatorade!

Meanwhile, if Yu’s people are any good, then they got their Newt Gingrich on before teams put in their final bids.  You know it, I know it and the American people know it: no one sells access like the Grand Old Party.


Oh the Dems do it too.

Ron Paul.  That is all.

And don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The Kyle Farnsworth of Politics

In a stunning turn of events, Herman Cain will not be the next President of the United States.  In other news, snorting pixie sticks will not get you high.  The one thing that these two items have in common is that a lot of people should have seen it coming before trying it out.

So now it’s Gingrich.  Oh right, and Romney.  It’s like the longest and most asinine game of musical chairs ever.  The only problem is that instead of removing a chair each time, they just substitute a person and make them keep playing.  Please, can we just make it stop and give Romney the nomination?  I know you don’t like him and I know you are afraid the Mormons are going to steal your children but there’s something to be said for having a candidate who’s actually qualified to run.  What’s next, Palin redux?

The real issue is that the Republicans are so adverse to nominating Romney that they treat every new challenger like how MLB treats Kyle Farnsworth.  “Well, we didn’t like him before and he hasn’t really done much but he sure looks good on paper.  Eh, what the hell.  Let’s give him a shot.”  And, just like the Republican challengers, you find yourself wondering a month or two later what you possibly could have been thinking.  And, of course, like any circle of abuse, you convince yourself that you’ll never let it happen again…

…At least not until next year when you’re looking for a middle reliever (presidential candidate) and notice that Farnsworth (Gingrich) is on the market….

-A

The Iron Lady and the Americans

Last week was a rough week for the Republican presidential contenders.  Or maybe I should say “contenders.”  Both Gingrich and Palin suffered setbacks but this seems to have become the norm for these two.  Gingrich had already started off his campaign with his foot in his mouth, talking off the cuff about Paul Ryan’s budget plan.  And Palin had watched her ratings tank after an inventive retelling of Paul Revere’s ride.

But this past week took them to new lows.  Gingrich disappeared to Greece after his initial gaffe but was forced to resurface when most of his senior campaign staff resigned on Thursday.  I don’t know how closely you follow politics but it’s very difficult to run a campaign when all of your top advisers quit.

I’m sure it’s hard not to take it personally when your closest aides leave your campaign but you can at least try to chalk it up to a business decision.  Palin didn’t have quite that luxury when Margaret Thatcher’s staff not only refused Palin’s attempt to visit the former Prime Minister but also said “Lady Thatcher will not be seeing Sarah Palin. That would be belittling for Margaret. Sarah Palin is nuts.”

So yeah, you could say it’s been a rough week for the Republicans.  Although you could probably also argue that it has been a great week for candidates like Mitt Romney and John Huntsman who can continue campaigning in quiet while their opposition self-destructs.  Slow and steady often wins the race.  Just ask last year’s World Series champions.

-A

The Filibuster

Two of your favorite guys have been in the news a lot lately. Glenn Beck
and Roger Clemens. If you had to be either one for a day who you would
you choose?

Greg
Livonia, MI

_______________________________


glenn-beck-fox-news.jpgWow.  How do I even begin?  I mean, both men are absolute paragons of masculinity.  One man liked to stick needles in his butt on a regular basis and the other cries when he sees a bald eagle.  But if I had to choose between the two and spending a day in their skin, I’d have to choose Clemens.

Here’s the problem.  When you spend a day as someone, you have to be able to extricate yourself from that person in the end.  Clemens doesn’t strike me as the type who has a whole lot going on upstairs.  Being in his head is like walking down one long, empty corridor.  There are doors here and there and maybe I’d get lucky enough to open the one where he throws the bat at Piazza and figure out what was really going on in that moment.

On the other hand you have Glenn Beck.  Have you tried watching the guy’s show?  He starts on one thought, flies off on some tangent, leaps off the tangent to attempt an allusion and winds up throwing logic aside for the beautiful simplicity of ad hominem attack.  Why doesn’t he like Obama’s health care plan?  Well, because the Nazis had a health care plan. 

The twists and turns inside that mind are baffling from the outside and could only be more confusing when you’re right in the middle of it.  If you go in there, your chances of making it out alive or at least sane are about as good as the odds that Newt Gingrich won’t cheat on this wife.  Or that Bill Clinton has been faithful.  Yeah, that bad.

So, give me Clemens.  He may not be the nicest guy.  He may not be the smartest guy.  But at least I can kind of figure out what he’s thinking.  There’s a simple beauty in that.

-A

A Magical Mystery Tour (Part I)

Magical_Mystery_Tour.jpg

When I lie, people call me a liar. It’s part of this whole
thing I do called “living in the real world.” I’m not saying I lie
all that often but when I do, I expect to get called out on it. However, it
would be kind of nice, just for once, to live in another world. A world where
words don’t necessarily mean what the dictionary says they mean and where I can
spin the events and claim that the usual consequences don’t apply to me. You
too? You want to live in this world? Well, come with me as we tour of a few of
these magical lands.

PED-opolis:

“I thought they were vitamins.” “Really? It wasn’t just some
sort of magical cream/ointment?” “Sure, I’ve always taken estrogen
hormone therapy. Doesn’t everyone?”

And the list goes on.

Major League Baseball players have a somewhat impressive track record when it
comes to PED prevarications. And the longer this slow leak of names and
offenses takes, the more ridiculous the excuses will become.

However, that’s the beauty of living in a land like this. You never have to
face the truth. You know that MLB is going to slap you with a fine or a
suspension, you either pay it or serve it and then you’re back to doing what
you do best. No silly, not hitting home runs. Finding new ways to beat the
system by masking the drugs you’re taking.

Politicotopia:

Many, many people live in this fantasy land where nothing is ever quite what it
seems. However, one of the more recent newly minted citizens seems to be
carving out his own space and setting the foundations (or lack thereof) of an
enormous castle built almost entirely on sand.

Now, if you follow politics, you know that John Ensign used to be a
fire-breathing dragon of the Newt Gingrich led Republican Revolution. And he
was so personally affronted by Bill Clinton’s “low morals” in the
Monica Lewinsky affair that he helped push through the president’s impeachment
and urged him to resign since his actions meant he could no longer be an
effective leader.

However, it appears that screwing
the wife of one of your best friends and then having your family pay her hush
money so she won’t talk about it
is somehow different. Yes, my friends,
only in this fantastical land can you justify adultery by claiming it’s not the
same thing because you “didn’t perjure yourself.” I wonder how that
excuse would fly for me?
_________________________________________________

Join me next week as we continue our tour with a couple fantastical lands that
could only spring from one delusional and mildly sociopathic man. That’s
right, next week we visit the mind of Jeffery Lung and I feel it’s only right
that I warn you in advance: It’s not a pretty thing. You might want to make
sure that any young children leave the room.

-A

A Little Creativity Please, Gentlemen

lewinsky.jpgIt’s amazing to me how creative people can be when trying to avoid admitting something embarrassing. Like Bill Clinton’s infamous definition of “is” or A-Rod’s original interview with Katie Couric, there are little embellishments, and large ones as well, that seem incredibly obvious in retrospect.

However, what I find even more telling is the response when they’re finally called out and forced to tell the truth. Maybe it’s a short statement issued over a weekend before disappearing for a week (or ten) like John Edwards. Or maybe it’s a couple lawyers finally letting slip that Sammy Sosa was juicing, something most of us had probably already figured out

But today brought around one of my favorites. The Republican paragon of virtue congressman admitting to an extra-marital affair. I mean, we expect this sort of thing from the Democrats. They are the party of Kennedy after all. But the Republicans? How sad is it when the titular head of the Democrats, Barack Obama, is a once married family man while the Republican leadership is full of guys like Newt Gingrich and John McCain who have multiple marriages under their belts, some of which came out of less than squeaky clean circumstances.

It is possible that there’s an upside to all this fudging and creativity, though. If we could just get our leaders to apply some of that creativity to the economy, maybe they could turn it around. What’s that you say? They already tried that and it didn’t work? Well, I guess we could just stuff our money in a mattress. That always seems to work.

-A