Tagged: NFL

In the Red Zone

Kennedy_and_Khrushchev_in_Vienna_1961Team sports pride themselves on their uniformity.  It’s how you tell one team from the other and it allows the players to bond within a certain sameness.  Which, when you think about it, isn’t so different from what the Soviets attempted to do.  Treat everyone the same, make them wear the same clothes and assume that this will create a sense of community out of thin air.  How’d that work out?

Is it any surprise, then, that those who play organized team sports back here in the US chafe against these strictures?  We grow up hearing about how unique we are and how we can do anything.  Then we go out to play a game and we’re put in matching uniforms and tied into a system.

The worst offender by far is NFL football.  Just try wearing an unauthorized pair of shoes or the wrong color socks and see what happens.  It doesn’t matter for the superstars because their wallets can absorb it but imagine being one of these guys making the league minimum yet wanting to show his individuality.  That’s going to cost you.

I guess that’s another reason why I like baseball.  Sure, you still have to wear a uniform and you still have to play by the rules but there’s some leeway.  You can wear stirrups or the long baseball pants.  You can wear a different colored shoe.  You can cover your batting helmet in pine tar to the point that the team logo is barely discernible.

It’s one more reason why baseball is America’s pastime and why it’s stuck around through three different centuries.  It evolves and it allows the players to show their individuality within the confines of the game in a way that no other sport can.  MLB is Kennedy to the NFL’s Kruschev.  We all know who came out on top in that one.  Well, except that whole assassination thing.

-A

A Non-Rhotic Entertainment Experiment

I’m not much of television watcher.  Outside of sporting events and the occasional Survivor Man episode, I just can’t get into something week after week.

I blame The Wire.  After blowing through all five seasons in just a few short weeks a couple years ago, everything else just seemed like Jersey Shore: a bunch of self-obsessed lame-ohs screaming and yelling while adding nothing positive to the universe.

And then there was this…


Hate me ‘cuz I helped put some nasty images in your head, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Happy Saturday!

Jeff

Don’t Give Me That Sanctity Crap!

I’ve never understood the religious conservatives’ fascination with what goes on in the bedroom.  It took until 2003 for the Supreme Court to strike down a Texas law prohibiting sodomy and even today, despite the overturning of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and multiple polls showing that a majority of Americans now support a homosexual couples’ right to marry, these same religious conservatives continue to use people’s private lives as a wedge to drive us apart.

So, what’s truly going on here?  Do they really feel so strongly about what goes where behind closed doors or is there something more to it?

Sadly, it seems to be the latter even though it has also become cliche.  Take the story of Roberto Arango, for instance.  The nadir of this sordid tale isn’t so much the part where the guy who opposes gay adoption rights posts naked pictures of himself spreading his cheeks on the internet.  No, it’s the excuse that follows: “You know I’ve been losing weight. As I shed that weight, I’ve been taking pictures.”

But there’s always an excuse, isn’t there?  There’s an excuse for how the gay porn shot ended up on a site called Grindr just like there’s an excuse for why people’s private lives should be legislated.  If you left it up to people like Rick Santorum and Tim Tebow, everyone would wait until they were married to have sex (heterosexual, of course) and even then, it would only be missionary and with the lights off.  Yes, this is the same Tim Tebow who kissed a guy full on the lips after the biggest (and only) victory of his NFL career.

It’s the height of hypocrisy because the same guys who tell you what you can and can’t do in the privacy of your bedroom will get full up in your face if you question why they feel the need to flaunt their faith in front of everyone on the field and millions of TV viewers.  They call it their “testimony” but I call it hypocrisy and it’s that hypocrisy that makes the “Tebowing” phenomenon so hilarious.  It’s what makes me laugh whenever I see a replay of Stephen Tulloch sacking Tebow then dropping to a knee to “Tebow” right next to him.  It’s also what makes me crazy when people start going off on Tulloch and calling him “un-Christian” because of the move.  Get out of our bedrooms and get off of Tulloch’s case.

Ultimately, the Republicans and especially the religious zealots of the party would be better served if they took a moment and listened to Clint Eastwood.  When asked about gay marriage by GQ, he responded,  “We’re making a big deal out of things we shouldn’t be making a deal out of.”

Now that, my friends, is a true patriot.  Too bad no one actually listens to him.  Not like they do Tebow, at least.  On the bright side, though, if Tebow continues to play the way he did against the Lions, the only testimony he’ll provide is how quickly a QB can get bounced out of the NFL.

-A

Setting the Mahmud

RSBS Special Correspondent and Podcast Dolomite, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

There is a movement coming. Axel Foley is coming.

I’ve been trying to get over my most recent trampoline accident and my cat circus just went bankrupt… BUT!!! One of my favorite cites (DETROIT) is having a renaissance. I got Iraqi, German and Chicago in me, yes. But I’m thinking that maybe I watched Beverly Hills Cop too many times and listened to too much Motown, because I got definitely got some Detroit in me too. In fact, I feel the need to go undercover to find out what Detroit’s new secret is. Maybe in drag?!?!

If those Chrysler ads don’t pump you up then YOU HAVE NO SOUL. I want cars that talk back to you. DETROIT CAN GIVE YOU THAT! And I want a lot of things back in my life. I want sideburns back. I want Paul Reiser and Judge Reinhold back. And though I don’t smoke, I want people to bring smoking indoors back!!!

Meanwhile, Detroit needed a pick-me-up and the Lions and Tigers have delivered.

This song has nothing to do with Axel Foley, nor the Motor City, but something about it makes me feel like I’m in the mitten. (Or is Michigan a glove?) Anyway, it gets me pumped up for my second city so much that when I hear it I can’t help but take a swig of a cold Samuel Jackson before pouring a little out for Jack Kevorkian and Gilda Radner. (I was going to mention Barry Gordy here but I just googled him and he’s still alive!!!)

The freaks are coming out! Lions, Tigers, and Wolverines …oh my! This is the best gift life could ever give our fellow RSBS writer, Allen.

The Tigers!!! Verlander makes me woozy. Miguel Cabrera is the Natural. And bad@$$ Jim Leyland is The Marlboro Man! If Sam Elliott had turned down his role in The Big Lebowski, the Coen Brothers would have had ol man Leyland on the phone in a jiffy.

His Tigers can do it all. And if you want, they can also chain you to a wall in a sex dungeon and make you watch two octogenarians go at it with mayonnaise all over them. NOW THAT’S PROGRESS.

Michigan State basketball couldn’t save Michigan but Emmmminnneeemmmm, the Lions and Verlander will by golly.

–Johanna Mahmud
Follow Johanna on Twitter!

The Filibuster

So who are your big winners and losers at the trade deadline?

Melissa
Oak Lawn, IL 
___________________________________

Well, as a Tigers’ fan I have to start there.  And I think the Tigers made the right moves.  They solidified their pitching without giving away the farm and managed to hold on to the top prospects in their system.  That sounds pretty good to me.

At the same time, the team chasing us made probably the blockbuster deal of the day by picking up Ubaldo Jimenez.  That has to resonate in Detroit as well.

Over in the NL, the Phillies managed to get even better with the addition of Hunter Pence and I’m pretty much all for just letting them play the Giants for the pennant right now.

But the biggest winner?  Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots.  Come on, sure, the baseball trades were big but the Patriots just picked up Chad Ochocinco and Albert Haynesworth.  That means a game changer on either side of the ball.  You have to figure that the Patriots look set to roll over the AFC this season.

I’m not going to say that both players will have the same kind of initial season as the Randy Moss trade delivered but Belichick seems to have a knack for turning problem players into essential cogs of the Patriot machine.  And guys like Ochocinco and Haynesworth, who have shown that they can dominate when provided the right incentive, totally fit that system.

So, yeah, there were some big trades before the MLB deadline.  It’s kind of hard to compare them with Belichick’s continued dominance of his peers, though.

-A

**Have a topic you want to see us Filibuster?  Want a free pimp for your blog?  Wondering how Mr. Lung will respond to the Cardinals’ lack of trade deadline imagination?  Send us your Filibuster questions by emailing kraulung@gmail.com or by commenting below.

 

Setting the Mahmud

RSBS Special Correspondent and Podcast Casanova, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

Dear Lord Baby Jesus and Taco Bell I’m Playing a Guitar Solo On Top of a Moving Train

In honor of the football lockout ending, I’ve decided to tell the world about the dumbest things in sports. I consider myself a world class dope, and this stuff blows even my face off.

Glasses on top of the hat in a baseball game when it’s sunny.
GUH… Ezequiel Carrera did this Sunday in the Indians/White Sox tilt. Amazing. He had sunglasses on his hat, didn’t wear them and then lost an easy popup in the sun that cost the Indians the game. I understand that the flip-down glasses aren’t cool and you feel like an octogenarian wearing them, but sorry, Eqequiel, you’re stupid. So stop it and wear them or continue to look like a fool and drop fly balls in the outfield and fumble about looking like a drunk college girl at a VH1 summer bash in Cancun.

Touchdown dances that occur before ACTUALLY SCORING A TOUCHDOWN!
DeSean Jackson did this during a Monday Night Football game and foiled the hopes and dreams of about a thousand fantasy owners who were trailing by 4 points or fewer.  I WAS ONE OF THEM. He started dancing and gyrating and flipped the ball in the air before crossing the plane, and of course, he dropped the ball. Right then I wished and prayed a vampire would eat him from groin to chin.

Jacking up threes when being pulled.
Guys who ride the pine in the NBA do this constantly and make their coaches go mad. Basically, when a guy sees his replacement come up to the scorer’s table and knows he is about to be taken out, he calls for the ball and takes an awful shot to pad his own stats for the night, with no concern for the team. This makes me have bad-basketball-diarrhea.

Bill Belichick’s weekly undisclosed injury report made up of made-up things about players who are ALWAYS on my fantasy team because god and unicorns have no soul.
I’m reminded of this because EFFFFING FOOTBALL IS BACK!!!

And finally…

Andrew Luck staying in college instead of PLAYING IN THE NFL
He wants to finish his last year of school. To become an architect. His brain will be mush after large men sit on him before he can fulfill his dream to become the next Gaudi. Real architects work something like twenty years making forty grand a year before they ever get to create anything. They also work 90 hours a week and have no lives. That sounds way more awesome then being a starting quarterback in the NFL, getting tons of action and making MILLIONS OF DOLLARS.

GUH!!!

–Johanna Mahmud

Follow Johanna on Twitter!

his brain will be mush after large black men sitting on him before he can fulfill his dream to become the next Gaudi.