Tagged: Nolan Ryan

The Filibuster

What fool GM do you think is going to overpay for Josh Hamilton?

Jonestein
Fort Worth, TX
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“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius, and a lot of courage, to move in the opposite direction.”

Albert Einstein said that.  Jon Daniels DID that.

He and the Rangers made their qualifying offer to Sir Parties-a-Lot and now they can sit back and let madness ensue knowing they’ll at least get a nice draft pick if and when some insane club with house money decides to give Josh Hamilton what he wants.  (From what I have been reading on Twitter and some other baseball-centric forums, dude is asking for 7 years, $175 million.)

Right?  WTF Josh Hamilton?  SEVEN YEARS?  ONE HUNDRED SEVENTY FIVE MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS?!?

If this doesn’t prove Nietzsche’s god is dead lesson, I don’t know what does.  Look, I’m impressed with the healthy Josh Hamilton just as much as any one else, but the problems with handing Hamilton a multi-year $100 million+ contract are as well known and documented as Hamilton is out of touch with reality.

1)  Dude is a china doll.  Can’t stay healthy.

2)  Dude is (and always will be) an addict.

3)  Dude is also a well documented RELAPSE just waiting to happen.

One minute Josh is manning left field, hitting bombs, the next minute he’s doing t***y shots off your college aged daughter, making it rain with whipped cream and pay-puh.  Don’t believe me?  Do some Google image searching.

Too risky.  Way.  Too.  Risky.  I wouldn’t give him anything over three years.  Period.  I’d pay him what he’s worth — close to the $20 million a year threshold if healthy (and sober).  But no way I’d trust him for anything more than three years.  His record speaks for itself.

And while I’m all for giving folks second, third, fourth chances, I’m also smart enough to know when to say when.  Hamilton (and his enablers) seem to have a problem with that.

The good news, for sanity’s sake, is that most of the big pocketed clubs don’t have any room for Hamilton.  I hear the Braves are interested but don’t want to be too left handed.  And the breakout Orioles are in the mix too.  But don’t expect L.A. or New York or Boston to go there.  I’m not sure the night life in those cities could handle a potential Hamilton disaster either, and that’s really saying something.

So go ahead.  Hate me ‘cuz I’m hatin’ on Hamilton’s free agency, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

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Sell Me Some Access

There was a bidding war for my services once.

Okay, technically it was more of a catfight than a bidding war, but I guarantee you it was fierce.  I was in college at the time, and I somehow duped two girls into believing I was A-list boyfriend material.  A gnarly girlpocalypse ensued.

It was awesome.

Then there was also the time in middle school where, for a small fee of one US American dollar, I would open up my father’s Playboy collection for viewing, all in the name of health and sex education, of course.

But I’ve never been Yu Darvish-ed before.  I mean, I’ve never had a bunch of folks throwing MAD MONEY at me just for the opportunity to negotiate a contract.  I know, I know, it’s hard to believe, but Nolan Ryan has never gone all in on my ass…ets.  My assets.  That’s what I meant to say.

Personally, I cannot WAIT to see Yu Darvish in action.  I’ve been salivating at his proposed Major League entry since the ’09 WBC and now it looks like I may finally get my wish.  Picture a 2012 season with an Adam Wainwright, a Stephen Strasburg AND a Yu Darvish!?!?!?  Somebody douse me with Gatorade!

Meanwhile, if Yu’s people are any good, then they got their Newt Gingrich on before teams put in their final bids.  You know it, I know it and the American people know it: no one sells access like the Grand Old Party.


Oh the Dems do it too.

Ron Paul.  That is all.

And don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 29: Remembering Ugueth’s Urbina and Other Stuff

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And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

Jeff tries his darnedest to be as polite as possible during his unfettered gloating of World Championship status (Go Cards!) while Second City’s Mark Piebenga adds some level-headed awesomeness to Johanna’s outlandishness and Allen’s seasoned straight man routine.  Among the topics of discussion are “the greatest game ever”, the woes of rebranding an already twice championed franchise (talkin’ to you, Marlins), Theo Fever in the Chi, b!tch t!ts and much, much more!

Now grab some Crown Royal and enjoy yo’ self!

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Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack. Follow Keith on on Twitter and make sure to check out his crew and their gut busting Undercast! podcast.

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Recorded Saturday, November 12, 2011

The Filibuster

Both the Phillies and the Yankees went down in the first round.  If you had to blame it on one player from each team and then have those two fight it out in the Thunderdome, which two men enter and which one leaves?

Devin
St. Ignace, MI
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Ah-ha!  I see what you did there, Devin.  Now do I really look like someone who would throw a guy under the bus and blame him for his entire team’s defeat?

Don’t answer that.

Yes, the Yanks and Phils missed the LCS boats this year.  And yes, they each featured some disappointing performances; but in both cases, the epic failage cannot be pinned to just one guy.  The Yankees went in with questionable starting pitching and the Phillies entered as the feast or famine team, the results of which were both early exits.  To pin the burden of failure on just one person isn’t fair and it isn’t right.

But Alex Rodriguez and Ryan Howard do make beautiful scapegoats.

Meanwhile, you want me to throw these two guys into a Thunderdome and see who comes out alive.  HA!  Can you imagine the inherent lameocity of a fight between a pinstriped cover-mag diva and a silent slugger who tore his Achilles on his way to being the final out of the NLDS?  Puhhhhhhh-lease.

Baseball hasn’t been able to produce a good basebrawl since 1993’s Ventura v. Ryan main event and even THAT was a lopsided affair.  Yes, we have been teased over the years.  Morgan v. Volstad had potential.  So did Lee v. Young.  And even more recently, Gregg v. Ortiz.

But the one thing those latter three matchups all have in common is that, ultimately, THEY WERE LAME.  And when it’s been nothing but Lame City in reality, it’s really hard for me to imagine an A-Rod v. Ryan scenario that would not be equally as lame.

Enter YouTube.

And make sure you stick around to the end to see Mickey Hatcher walk off the field with a bloodied face.  Now THAT’S some Thunderdome s**t.


Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

LOLstros To-Do List

Can you believe we’re almost done with the 2011 season and I’ve hardly made any jokes about the Houston Astros?  I know.  I’m sorry, dear readers.  I dropped the ball.  Chalk it up as an E on your scorecard, boo like Mets fans and throw beer on me as I walk off the field.

It’s just… I have a real hard time picking on those who cannot defend themselves.  But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about them.  I do.  Sorta.  I mean, you think it’s easy for me to NOT make fun of the LOLstros?

IT’S EXTREMELY DIFFICULT!!!

But, to prove how much I care, I’ve prepared a small advisory to-do list of things that should get them on track so that I can once again slam their mere existence:

1.  Bring Craig Biggio out of retirement
Most people wouldn’t recognize a single name in the LOLstros lineup.  Also, 100 losses in a season isn’t just bad, it’s embarrassing.  I gotta think that an old, wobbly Craig Biggio would at least will them under 100 losses.  If nothing else, he could go to the dish and take an HBP to get on base, just like the old days.

2.  Move to the American League
Oh yeah.  Already happening.

3.  Woo Nolan Ryan away from the Rangers
Have you seen what Ryan has done with the Rangers?  And to think, the Rangers used to be the laughingstock of Texas baseball.

4.  Draft this kid:

And finally…

5.  Officially change their name to the “LOLstros
The space program is dead yo, and in the internet age, nothing is as catchy as a memey acronym that makes folks smile without even thinking about it.

See!  You’re LOLing right now!

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Setting the Mahmud

RSBS Special Correspondent and Podcast Voldermort, Mr. Johanna Mahmud reports:

“Wait a minute! I’m having a thought. Oh, yes. I’m gonna have a thought. It’s coming… it’s gone.”

The only way I watch another CUUBBBBS game this season is if Wizzo the Wizard and his magic cards are involved (I’d go back in time and volunteer for the Vietnam War as well, because TIME MACHINES ARE REAL). Thank you, Jim Hendry, for giving Kosuke Fukudome $48 million so you could trade him for two prospects who will never see a Major League roster to save $750 thousand. You’re something else, Jim, you really are.  But… there’s so much more to check out so all is GUUUDDDDD.

Justin Verlander has me in hysterics on a regular basis. He brings some must-see damn baseball every week. 100 mph fastballs being thrown in the 8th inning are… the password is

ORGASMIC.

How in the hell is he doing that? That’s some Nolan Ryan territory.

The human highlight reel that is Asdrubal Cabrera is doing NASTAYY things out there too. No balls get by him. Nothing. He’s playing that infield like a fine fiddle. Imagine the range of Ozzie Smith but with power. NASTAYYYYYY.

Also, the new team I’ve adopted (The White Sox) still provide daily drama. The constant pillow fighting (and maybe a little pillow biting) between Kenny and the Blizzard of Oz have been fantastic! Plus, pitching coach, Don Cooper, sounds like Buddy Hackett, who should have had a much bigger role in Herbie.  (Best sidekick/mechanic ever. He also makes a serious cappuccino.)

And I have Pirates fever!!! I am actively rooting for them to win the Central. They got my old pal Derrek Lee! Ol Pittsburgh hasn’t won a Super Bowl in like… a year, so they NEED THIS. All that aside, I like the Pirates being decent. It’s refreshing. Kinda like running through the woods with nothing on but pink panties and a little mayonnaise.

Also, I keep watching HBO’s documentary on Derek Jeter’s 3000th hit. It was good but not great. I pretty much just fast forward to the parts with Minka Kelly. The password is

MINX.

And just one more thing: go back and watch Warren Beatty’s Dick Tracy. The movie kinda got killed at the time for some weak acting and plot holes but that’s garbage. Danny Elfman’s score and Stephen Sondheim’s original songs combine to make it a great movie, despite everything else. And Madonna? The password is… wait for it… wait… wait…

SIZZLING.

–Johanna Mahmud
Follow Johanna on Twitter!

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 16: RSBS’ Drinking Game… and Other Stuff

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Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles

Jeff and Johanna break out the hot stove holiday eggnog (topped off with a couple gallons of that special Kentucky blend, of course) and discuss all things important to the baseball-politico world, including but not limited to: adult circumcision, the 1960 World Series, the Phillies’ impending rape of the National League, peeing on your hands a la Moises Alou to get a better grip and much, much more… all to make you forget with a smile the horrors of your latest office party!

Holla!

– – –

Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack.  You can experience Keith’s wicked podcast and subsequent film projects at Undercard Films.  The man is talented, people.  You don’t want to miss out, so go check it!

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Recorded Saturday, December 18, 2010