“Maybe I’m a bad friend for laughing at my buddy’s misfortune.”
— The lugubrious and oft insolent Mr. Allen Krause (September 27, 2010)
Hmm. Talk about misfortune.
Wow. Get a room, guys.
And let us not forget one bit of increasingly important information, Mr. Krause:
While your extended metaphor of dueling fists may pin me as the hot-headed, intelligence-challenged Nyjer Morgan to your taller, more svelte Chris Volstad boasting an extended reach, if you look around… you’ll see there is no Gaby Sanchez to save you.
Hate me ‘cuz I give you reason to, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
(Special thanks to Rachel at Something, Something who enlightened me to Miggy’s quirky tastes)
When Jeff and I first started writing RSBS, we decided that our personal emails back and forth insulting the other person’s team and/or mother (usually both) might make other people laugh, too. The added bonus, though, is being able to take those cheap shots to a public forum. Fairly or not, I usually bear the brunt of it since Jeff has never met a low blow he didn’t like. And I accept that. Truth be told, he’s shorter than I am so most every shot he takes is going to be a little low.
This year is extra fun, though, because despite the Tigers being out of it pretty early on in the second half, the Cardinals really should have been much better. Like Jeff’s haircut, they have no excuse for failing so miserably. This makes me happy in a somewhat sadistic way. It makes me happy because I can picture Jeff watching the games and tearing out his no longer existent hair. It makes me laugh everytime, the same feeling I get when watching this:
Anyway, maybe I’m a bad friend for laughing at my buddy’s misfortune. And maybe I’m a terrible friend for including that picture of Jeff. But if history is any indicator, I won’t need to be sorry for long because Jeff will get himself up out of his booster seat to punch low and hard. Think Jeff as Nyjer Morgan to my Chris Volstad.
It’s Monday. Welcome to the week.
Just how Captain Morgan is able to be in both my liquor cabinet and the Oakland Coliseum at the same time is beyond me. But he is. Or… was. In fact, last week he was seen comparing hooks with Mr. Perfect himself, Dallas Braden, while bringing the party with him in the way of one blonde, one redhead and one enviable, swashbuckling goatee.
That’s right. Just when you thought captainism in US America was dead, here comes Captain Morgan throwing out the first pitch at a ballpark near you. While captains may run rampant in the NHL, the NFL and MLS, Major League Baseball suffers from a supreme shortage.
Derek Jeter. Jason Varitek. Paul Konerko.
Those are your only true, official captains.
Varitek? That’s a joke, right?
Paulie? Deserved, but under appreciated and way under publicized. In fact, I didn’t even know he was the Sox captain until yesterday… and I live next to the ball park!
Look, I’m a purist. You know this. Axe the replay, axe the jumbotron, axe the synthetic unis… I’m cool with all of that. But in lieu of the Nyjer Morgans and Milton Bradleys of the world, I think MLB would do a lot of good to inject more leadership into its ranks, spice it up with a “C” patch, subject the younger players to some authority.
Evan Longoria, Albert Pujols, Joe Mauer… they already look and act like captains. Can’t we just make it official?
Either that, or at least make it mandatory for that blonde and that redhead to make an appearance every ballpark in the league. (No need for the goatee. I have one of those already.)
Oh… and I’ll be waiting at Sox Park.
So go ahead and hate me… just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
(Images via Getty Images)
And so in this Podcast…
It’s our monumental TENTH EPISODE, y’all! Party is the name of the game as Jeff, Allen and Johanna dive into an exciting playoff tempered show including three hallowed memories, two Morgans (Nyjer and the Captain) and one inception… not to mention a whole lot of confusion over a $500 pair of speedos with Albert Pujols’ face on it. Plus much more, including the Lou Piniella mailbag! All to make you laughy-time!
– – –
Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*
Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*
thanks to Keith Carmack — our engineer, director, editor and
all-around sound guru. Check out
his Undercast podcast and visit his movie-making website Undercard Films if you don’t want him to kick your bum. Did I mention he is an MMA fighter? It’s true. How else do you think Johanna’s face got so disfigured?!? Lookout!
– – –
Recorded Saturday, September 11, 2010
Yeah, yeah, so they have a winning baseball games problem (see Diamondbacks).
Yeah, yeah, so they have a Matt Leinart problem.
Arizona has Jan Brewer. And Jan Brewer is on it!
I mean, it could be worse. She could be Nyjer Morgan.
Hate me ‘cuz you can, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
(thanks to C for the vid tip)
I am looking for a reason not to hate John Mozeliak; the Cardinals hodge-podge yet surprisingly effective pitching staff has given me hope (so far).
Milton Bradley is looking for someone to actually listen to his crybaby tantrums, but we are grown-ups; and we do not care.
North Korea is looking for a good old-fashioned ^ss-whoopin’; sources say firing nukes at your neighbors is an excellent way to accomplish that.
Still, others must turn to the long, twisted and always trustworthy inner-wirings of the world wide interwebs. And sometimes, dear readers, they end up here.
As they have in the past, the RSBS interns did their homework and now we present to you some of the most intriguing keyword searches responsible for bringing people right here to the land of the
free slightly tied down and the home of the brave pretentious and pompous, Red State Blue State:
“Red State / Blue State Means???”
It means Jeff and Allen are awesome. Look, I know you queried this from an IP address in Spain, but still… come on, hombre… we’re kind of a known thing.
“Carlos Quentin’s Descents”
There have been many… playing like crap for the Diamondbacks, breaking his wrist in a fit of rage, having a sore left foot… take your pick. I’d say the most influential one is the fact that he looks like a full-sized version of Herve Villechaize.
Now, now… let’s be nice and cordial here, Mr. Internet Searcher. I wouldn’t call my Tiger-lovin’ colleague, Mr. Krause, overweight. I would call him ridiculous (because he is) and anti-establishment (because he is) but not overweight (okay, maybe just a little). If it is indeed larger men you’re looking for, then I direct you *here*.
“What is the Lump in Nyjer Morgan’s Mouth?”
Uh, I dunno. Chewing tobacco? Tongue? Someone else’s tongue? Or maybe playing for the Pirates has given him the mumps. Whatever it is, we humbly admit that we have no friggin’ clue.
And finally, the most intriguing query of them all…
“What is Jeff Lung’s Problem?”
Well, if you don’t know by now, I guess you’re just gonna have to keep on reading.
But whatever you do, don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
The Pittsburgh Pirates managed to lose a game the other day to a local
community college. Granted, it wasn’t their best players on the field
that day but they did still lose to a community college. Now, we’ve
spent a lot of time talking about the highlights we expect to see in
the upcoming season but what are some of the bloopers and sob stories
you are looking forward to as well?
The Pirates’ saving grace (after losing to a community college) is the fact that they themselves are a team better suited for the community college circuit. Boasting players most of us have never heard of like Nyjer Morgan, Brandon Moss and Ross Ohlendorf, is it any surprise that the perennial underachieving Buccos start the season picked to win a mind-blowing 65 games? I think not.
But as my sludge-dredging colleague, Mr. Krause, so coyly alludes to, this will be just one of the many “sob stories” we baseball fans are looking forward to in 2009. Now I am no soothsayer; nor am I blessed with magical powers allowing me to predict which gaffes and gripes will take centerstage this season; but let’s face it: some things are just a given. For example:
The Orioles and Blue Jays Will Simply Disappear
If they haven’t already, by the time we hit the month of May, I foresee that all relevance of baseball in Baltimore and Toronto will cease to exist. After a steady diet of Yankees, Red Sox and Rays is slammed down our throats, who will care that Brian Roberts is a shining star in a sea of apathy or that J.P. Ricciardi is single-handedly destroying what was once a proud baseball organization? No one. That’s who.
Cub Fans Will Be Whining About Something
They always do. They always will. They never stop. Whether it’s invoking the spirit of Cub castaway Steve Bartman, repeating ye ole circa 2003 mantra: “Prior and Wood, Prior and Wood, Prior and Wood” or just getting too drunk to know what’s actually going on during the game, Cub fans were born to lose. And in personifying their joyous moniker of “Lovable Losers”, they love to whine. Sure. They’ll win the division. How can they not? But they’ll find a way to blow it in the playoffs and we sane baseball folk will be subjected to yet another lengthy offseason of wouldas, couldas and shouldas — a century old Northside tradition.
Gary Sheffield Will Say Something Stupid
Happens every year, folks. He might even box someone too, that is, if he can find the strength to walk from homeplate all the way out to the mound. And if he plays in more than 114 games, there’s a good chance that he’ll add even more guts and gore to that Phillies/Mets rivalry we’ve all come to enjoy over the last few years. Sheff is certainly setup to give new meaning to the phrase “choke artist”. All Cole Hamels has to do is open his mouth.
Joba Chamberlain Will Try His Luck with Erin Andrews — Again — and Fail Miserably — Again
I know, I know. Ms. Andrews said it was nothing, but we saw the video (which has conveniently been erased from the entire interweb) and let’s face it: Joba struck out like Adam Dunn after an all-night bender. Having been in that situation myself, and being a guy, I think it’s safe to say Joba will go there again. Men are stupid. Ladies, am I right?
Yet looking into my crystal ball, dear readers, the one blooping gaffe that is bound to come up again and again this season is almost too easy to call:
Kyle Farnsworth Will Be the Laughingstock of Major League Baseball
They hated him in Chicago. They hated him in New York. They hated him in Detroit. If the Royals had any fans, they would hate him in Kansas City too. But at the end of the day, no one can deny that Farnsy has become the whipping boy of baseball sadists all across US America. When a kind-hearted She-Fan openly in love with her beloved Yankees rips the man to death in her best-selling book, it is safe to say that Kyle Farnsworth is and always will be fair game. He should’ve known better: “There’s no crying in baseball!”
Hate me ‘cuz I can be an ^ss, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
In his last post, my oft misguided and ever self-loathing colleague, Mr. Allen Krause, offered up some morbid thoughts on how to pass the next several weeks while we wait to thaw out and spring into some serious baseball action. Poignantly defeatist in nature, Mr. Krause squashed our spirits more than he uplifted them, as more lamenting on the sad state of Detroit sports franchises and focusing on the natural discourse between Iran and the rest of the world leaves little else than a tinge of bitterness.
Dear readers, there are many more things you can do with your time. For instance…
Postulate How Many More Superbowls the Steelers Will Win Before the Pirates Get Back to the Post-Season (If They Ever Do)
Already the winningest franchise in NFL history, the Pittsburgh Steelers have long drowned out the cheers (if any) from the Pirates faithful. But don’t worry, ‘Burgh, the 2009 Pirates boast a lineup that features the likes of Jose Tabata, Brian Bixler and Nyjer Morgan! Whoo-wee! Get out the ticker-tape, ya’ll! I’m feeling a bit like 1991!
Count the Reasons Why Ann Coulter Has No Soul
Verily, this woman is as crazy as A-Rod is attention hungry. In her most recent blog post (dated 1/28/2009), she had this brilliant quip to share:
“The only reason McCarthy was elected to Congress in the first place is
that her husband and son were shot by a crazed gunman on the Long
Island Rail Road in 1993. Colin Ferguson’s shooting spree wasn’t
stopped sooner because none of the passengers had guns. As has been
demonstrated beyond dispute at this point, armed citizens save lives.”
There is no way these words came from a live human being complete with a heartbeat and the ability to actually feel. No way.
Waste Your Life Away by Playing the Harold Reynolds Drinking Game
(I don’t personally recommend this, but if you’re looking for a quick, painless way to hibernate until Opening Day, click **here** for details. And when I say “painless” I’m lying.)
Try To Nail Down How Many Games the Cardinals Will Finish Behind the Cubs in 2009
Let’s see, there’s Adam Kennedy, Trever Miller, a busted up bullpen virtually unchanged from last season, question marks at third base, second base, starting rotation, no one to protect Albert Pujols, the reality that LaRussa and Duncan will most likely be gone next year, and we still have Bill Dewitt and John Mozeliak at the helm! Folks, that’s just the beginning… I won’t go in to how good the Cubs look, how fresh and exciting the Reds look, how explosive the Brewers look, how nagging the Astros look. Ooh boy, can’t wait to battle Tabata, Bixler and Morgan in the ‘Burgh for the NL Central Toilet Bowl!
Okay, so I admit, my suggestions are just as morbid and defeatist as Allen’s… but if there is one thing we can all agree on, it is that a laugh — a good, hearty, gut-cleansing laugh — can last us a while… or in this case, a long, long while:
Now that is what I call comedy!
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.