Apparently, we’ve been going at the problem all wrong. No, I’m not talking about the Tigers’ inability to hit baseballs to the spaces where opposing teams’ fielders are not. I’m talking about the quag… quagmi…. quagmi…. really bad situation that is Afghanistan.
See, while we’ve been pushing education for women, community policing and other counter-insurgency tactics, the guys we’re trying to turn them against do stuff like this. Sure, we do attack with drones and stuff like that but we don’t poison little girls…which would make you think that the rest of the people would run straight into the wide-open arms of Uncle Sam. But, not so much.
However, there may be another option. It turns out that maybe we just need to offer more reward money. I just wish we would have known earlier. We could have stopped up bin Laden’s finances and then just waited until he turned himself in to collect the award.
Early in the baseball season, it’s hard to separate the contenders and the pretenders. Kansas City regularly sits somewhere near the top of the AL Central after the first couple weeks and sometimes even holds on through the first couple months. Last year even the lowly Pirates looked decent for the first month or two. Unfortunately for both teams, it’s a lot better to be in first place at the end of the season then at the beginning.
It’s not all the much different in the political world. It’s pretty safe to assume that Obama will get the Democratic nod heading into the next Presidential election but the Republican field is wide open. A prime example is Donald Trump’s “candidacy.” This is a man who’s really only famous for being famous and who, despite his reality TV shows and real estate empire, still managed to go bankrupt. Yet somehow he and a decent number of Republicans think he can steer the country through it’s current financial straits. Let’s see what Donald actually looks like on the trail:
He may be on to something. I’m sure the Gettysburg Address would have been much more memorable if Lincoln could have dropped a couple F-bombs in there.
Granted, there are also serious contenders. Like him or not, Mitt Romney has the pedigree and the record to make a serious run. Jon Hunstman looks a lot like the 2010 Giants or Rangers and everybody loves a dark horse. When you figure in the Tea Party contingent and their sway in the primaries, there’s just no telling where the race will end up.
What is apparent at this point, though, is that with the economy apparently picking up jobs and OBL slowly disintegrating in the Indian Ocean, Obama is enjoying a momentary upswing. If the economy continues to pick up, he might end up like the 1995-96 Chicago Bulls, an inevitability if there ever was one. After all, let’s face it. The man is as cool as the day is long. This performance at the Press Corps Dinner took place hours after he made the decision to take down Bin Laden and hours before the raid happened:
Admit it, if you were in the same position you would have been sitting in an empty room, rocking back and forth and staring at a blank wall.
It’s still early in the season. There’s a lot of ball to be played. But despite all the speculation and analysis, no one has any idea what’s going to happen. Don’t worry, though. You keep coming back this way and we’ll make sure you stay up to date.
The human mind searches for patterns in everything. Numbers, deaths, waves of killer bees. We’re programmed to find a rational underpinning for why things happen.
That’s one of the reasons why Operation Geronimo thrills us to our core. Sure, we got public enemy number one. We killed the boogie man. But there’s a symmetry that makes the story even more compelling. Ten years ago the US was attacked and now, ten years later, we finally got the SOB that did it. We can ignore the ongoing wars and the financial ruin they’ve wreaked because OBL’s arrival and departure neatly bookend a ten-year stretch in which we were forced at times to question who we were as a nation but ultimately overcame. It’s the American Dream writ large.
Outside of the existential thrill of taking down Bin Laden and reaffirming the American Dream, though, there’s another story here. Where was the President during those long days fighting over the budget? What was he doing while people accused him of being a secret Muslim sleeper agent and insinuated he wasn’t even American? Turns out we finally have our answer:
So much awesomeness has taken over the baseball-politico world lately — 2011 finally found itself a no-hitter, Al Qaeda lost its head, Glenn Beck still doesn’t have his own network — that we thought it’d be nice to share an equally surprising story.
Lucky for you, the RSBS interns dug up somethin’ real niiiiiiiiice.
Most people know about Doc Ellis’ LSD-aided no-hitter… it’s just more fun to hear him tell it in his own words:
1. Reinstate the All-Star Game as an exhibition game with no World Series home field implications
2. Get Charlie Sheen to go away
3. Figure out what the hell Brian Wilson’s beard is actually made of.
If we can do all of the above, then I would really be impressed.
And the world will thank us.
Hate me ‘cuz you can, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Why does everyone get so excited about the whole playoff beard
phenomenon? This is nothing new. It happens every year with lots of
different teams. Isn’t it time for a different trend?
Oh, wait. You meant hair on faces. Ok, sorry about that. Wrong beard. Although the point still stands.
But, you’re right. Playoff beards, whether of the A-Rod variety or the hairy face version, are not exactly news. It happens in baseball. It happens in hockey. Football definitely sees it share. I guess I’d like to see baseball players try something a little different. I have two suggestions.
The first thing I’d like to see in baseball is the midsummer slump beard instead of the playoff beard. Imagine that your team has looked terrible for the first half season and the All-Star Break is coming up. In order to give yourself some momentum heading in to the layoff, you all grow beards. Not only does this show team spirit, it also shows some balls. Think about. The Houston Astros with full on beards in the middle of July? That’s hardcore. The itchiness and beard sweat alone would be enough to drive you crazy. Add in some sort of pact about not being allowed to shave until you’ve won two or three series and you might find just the motivation you need.
The other possibility would be taking the playoff beard to higher level. I don’t want to see three days worth of stubble. I want a full-on, Osama Bin Laden “I’ve been living in a cave for five years” kind of beard. Cliff Lee is imposing on the mound. Just imagine him sporting some Gandalf-style whiskers and hitters losing the ball in his beard as it leaves his hand. Now that’s an intimidation factor.
Playoff beards have become a cliche but it doesn’t have to be this way. There’s still time to reinvent the beard. Hey, if A-Rod can do it with Madonna, we can do it with this tradition.
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***Pictures of Jeff taking untoward liberties while dressed as a priest on Halloween also welcome.
I know, dear readers. It’s only been three days. And sprinkled in there I got to indulge in a long awaited Senior Circuit victory in the only All-Star Game that US Americans actually care about. But three days is three days; and without a constant barrage of baseball stuff (pick-offs, home-plate collisions, oppo-taco bombs) I tend to go a bit batty.
Thankfully, our trusted RSBS interns know how to quell my baseball madness as they were able to use their unpublicized delinquent ways to grab me a sneak peek at the much anticipated and poignant decision making tell-all by our 43rd president, George W. Bush. The book is called Decision Points.
And yes, that title (with that author) is an oxymoron.
Still, we think you’ll appreciate these snippets of Dubyan enlightenment:
“I ran the country like I ran the Rangers and if that meant sitting in the bottom of the West, well, then that’s what it takes… or is it took? Tooken? Yeah, that’s what it tooken.”
“I told Mel Gibson, ‘if you’re gonna make a Jesus movie, make sure there’s lots of blood. Whip that Jesus! And make Mary Magdalene hot. No fake boobs, but make her hot.’ Did you know Mel Gibson’s from Austria? He don’t even have an accent.”
“Hehehe… wait til ‘Merica finds out I’m a big Nickelback fan. Look at this photograph… hehehe… it’s hard to say it, goodbye, goodbye. Kinda makes me wanna cry. Hey, that rhymes too! Hot dawg!!!”
“If it looks like a Saddam and it talks like a Saddam then it must be Osama bin Laden! Let’s blow some s*** up!”
Hate me ‘cuz I got to see it before you did, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.