Like any good book, the baseball season unfolds as a series of intriguing stories. Mike Trout. Bryce Harper. The Baltimore Orioles. The Boston sell-off. ROIDS!!! These are all striking plot lines that draw us in, forcing us to check Twitter and MLB Trade Rumors and MLB Tonight as often as Mr. Krause uses a 5-year old picture of me looking like a goof.
Yet, at the end of the season, after the World Champions have been crowned, the champagne has been drunk and Ozzie Guillen has said something unintelligible on live television, I firmly believe that the biggest story of the year could be the complete reversal of what up until a few weeks ago looked like a major headline grabber.
That’s right. I’m talking to you, Pittsburgh Pirates.
Not even International Talk Like A Pirate Day could save loyal baseball fans in the Steel City from wanting to bring back the brown paper bags from the last 19 years.
With the losses on Wednesday and Thursday, the Pirates find themselves back where they belong, with a losing record.
It’s sad, right? I guess. No. I know. It is sad. But for a realist like me, it was also predictable. The Pirates doing well would be a surprise. Seeing them sink back into loserdom is not.
Speaking of losers, you are not one today, my friend. In fact, you just won! What did you win? Well, I can’t leave you feeling so sad on a Friday… so here are 18 glorious minutes of bloopers from The Office.
Change and I don’t get along too well. I remember when the Cardinals introduced the Sunday home game alternate cap — the navy blue one with the red bill and the profiled bird. I couldn’t sleep for weeks.
WHY?!?! WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS!?!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE REGULAR CAP!?!?!
Things are better now; but living in Chicago, I became quite used to the kind of daily drama inherent in a city where Ozzie Guillen is employed. Now, with him gone, life is just… boring? I mean, Adam Dunn is hitting. Jake Peavy is pitching. The Cell hasn’t caught on fire.
What fun is that?
I miss the good old days — the days when the city stopped for the Crosstown Rivalry, the Windy City Classic. I miss seeing Sweet Lou bump bellies with umpires, AJ Pierzynski gettin’ cold cocked by Michael Barrett, listening to drunk frat boys explain the infield fly rule to washed out bimbos while double-fisting $7 Old Styles.
Is nothing sacred anymore?!?!
Until I see Dale Sveum and Robin Ventura do a rap song about bad contracts, I’m gonna have to think not.
It was the hardest physical challenge I’ve put myself through yet. At times I was ecstatic, at others, on the verge of insanity, and everything in between.
Not wanting to further overuse the “life is a marthon” metaphor, I did a quick search of the interwebs to find a connection between ultramarathoning and baseball, and, to my surprise, I found out that Miami Marlins president, David Samson, completed at 52.4 ultramarathon on April 27, 2012, as a fundraiser for the workers who built the new park. Over $550,000 was raised and dontated to over 10 different charities.
WHY DID I NOT KNOW THIS?
Why was this not reported by anyone? Why was this not on MLB Tonight? Why was this not front page news?
Running a marathon is hard. Running 50 miles is beyond hard. And now that I know how it feels myself, I can’t help but tip my cap to David Samson and the struggle he went through on behalf of his employees.
Now, if only he could get Ozzie Guillen to shut his trap.
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
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If you’d like to know more about my race experience, check out my running blog, The Run Factory, where I’ll post a detailed race report within the next day or so.
It has been quite a while since we last checked in with our friends in the baseball crazy nation of Venezuela and during that time, things have gone from bad to worse. Obviously the bad could only be Venezuelan superhero Mr. Ozzie Guillen and his self-confessed love of Fidel Castro. We expect that sort of thing from El Presidente Chavez but Ozzie?
Even worse, though, is what’s happening to prices and stocks of essential goods over there. The point of this article is that the government has been forced to subsidize beauty supplies which is understandable in a country with so many beauty queens. But what I found more interesting is this sentence: “Premium toilet paper…is expected to slowly disappear from the shelves.”
I don’t know about you but if you’ve ever spent time in a country like Venezuela, you know that premium toilet paper is more than a luxury. It’s a necessity. Its slow disappearance from the shelves also means the gradual disappearance of your colon.
Speaking of colons and Colons, what happens to Venezuelan baseball players under the Venezuelan subsidy regime? Is there a clause in there to underwrite cowhide for baseballs, leather for gloves and maple for bats? Let’s be honest, after beauty queens, Venezuela’s only real cash crop is baseball stars. Unfortunately the article doesn’t address this topic but let’s keep our fingers crossed.
Technically the Cold War ended in 1991 when the Soviet Union finally fell apart. However, the war has stayed pretty chilly down in the Caribbean where the US and Cuba continue to party like it’s 1969. As a reminder of how chilly things remain, just take a look at the recent blizzard that blew through Miami when Ozzie Guillen made the mistake of declaring his love for Fidel Castro. But then a funny thing happened. Sure, Ozzie got a five-game suspension, and yeah, plenty of people got pissed off, but no one tried to kill him and people are still going to Marlins’ games. The times, they are a-changin‘.
On the other side of the world, things are changing as well. Previously the province of rappers, drunk investment bankers and Joba Chamberlain, “making it rain” has been taken to entirely new levels on the Arabian peninsula:[youtube http://youtu.be/LD0ncYoVp_c]
Frosty in Florida, rainy in the desert? Looks like climate change is more widespread than we originally thought.
It’s official. The Battle Royale known as the 2012 US Presidential Election will pit the titleholder, Barack Obama, against the challenger, Mitt Romney. But that presents a problem for Mitt. He won the primary by being the least bad choice and through blatant pandering to the base. That probably won’t work for the general. The fact of the matter is, Mitt is looking for ideas and he’s looking for them anywhere. So, why not turn to Obama’s last real challenger:
That’s not a terrible idea. Kind of unfortunate for a Mormon, though. Hold on a second. I know! Maybe man’s best friend can help out:
Uh, nope, not so much.
Wait a minute. I’ve got it! Since Florida is important and the Republicans aren’t doing so hot with the Latino vote, why not kill two birds with one stone. I’m sure Ozzie Guillen would be willing to help out:
Oh boy. That’s gonna hurt. Ozzie just turned himself into Florida kryptonite.
Actually, you know what, maybe Hillary wasn’t such a bad idea after all. Couldn’t hurt to try again, right?
There’s always drinking…
And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles…
Jeff tries his darnedest to be as polite as possible during his unfettered gloating of World Championship status (Go Cards!) while Second City’s Mark Piebenga adds some level-headed awesomeness to Johanna’s outlandishness and Allen’s seasoned straight man routine. Among the topics of discussion are “the greatest game ever”, the woes of rebranding an already twice championed franchise (talkin’ to you, Marlins), Theo Fever in the Chi, b!tch t!ts and much, much more!
Now grab some Crown Royal and enjoy yo’ self!
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Recorded Saturday, November 12, 2011