Tagged: Ozzie Guillen

The Filibuster

Lot of talk about weiners, Weiners and Weiner’s weiner the past couple weeks.  This is nothing new in the sports universe, though, especially in the NFL.  However, which MLB player do you think will most likely find himself involved in some sort of similar scandal?

Eric
Big Rapids, MI
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As is the case with most famous weiner (and Weiner) related exposés, the following will certainly be an exercise in self-restraint, as I think we all know the immense public propensity to go for the easy male-member joke.  But the easiest joke here, as far as I can tell, is that the Rep. Anthony Weiner scandal is even a scandal at all!

I am not saying we should give the guy a medal of honor or anything, but, what exactly did he do to warrant a public scandal of such magnitude?  So he donned a swaggering internet persona and talked dirty to some chicks online… and then didn’t have sexual relations with any of them?  Um, okay, if this illegal then somebody come lock my @$$ up!!!

Yes, Rep. Weiner is a creepazoid.  So what?  Aren’t most politicians?  From my vantage point, Weiner didn’t break any laws.  He didn’t physically hurt anyone.  He is only guilty of being stupid — of being aloof and naive a la John Edwards to mistakenly think the interwebs are a completely private domain and that interacting with folks in a lewd manner outside of his marriage would never be revealed by the parties involved.

Like our future 45th president alludes, the online lust-quest has become common for modern man; and this “scandal” is really something that should be left between Rep. Weiner and his wife.  Unless he’s Marv Albert-ing these women or wasting tax dollars on callgirls, I don’t see how any of this is of public interest.

But since you asked, Eric, what MLB player would most likely find himself in the same Weinerific situation, I gotta say, right now, it would have to be Adam Dunn.

I mean, come on… SOMETHING is eating at the Big Donkey and it ain’t Ozzie Guillen!  When a perennial homerun monster like Dunn suddenly lives under the Mendoza line with only a handful of bombs while playing his home games at launching-pad Sox Park,  and it’s mid-June, something ain’t right.

Hmm… you thought I was gonna say A-Rod, didn’t ya? Well, A-Rod probably does take lewd photos of his “attributes” with intentions of sending them out to virtual partners; however, I think his tenacious love for himself would force him to keep such images for his eyes only.

Hate me, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

**Have a topic you want to see us Filibuster?  Want a free pimp for your blog?  How ’bout coaxing Allen to go back to living as a woman?  Send us your Filibuster questions by emailing kraulung@gmail.com or by commenting below.

Three Up, Three Down

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Just like Ryan Franklin in the 9th, this is going to be quick, disgustingly ugly and will probably include an ERA over 9:

Jesus saved Josh Hamilton.jpgJESUSY JOSHY!

First he tried to score from third when no one was lookin’… then he slid head first and broke his arm… then he was… out.  THEN he blamed third base coach Dave Anderson for the boneheadedly aggressive move (not my fault, duh)… and THEN he later apologized to Dave Anderson for blaming him for the boneheadedly aggressive move. 

*SARCASM ALERT, SARCASM ALERT*

Considering the overwhelming, undeniable, empirical evidence in this case… I am glad to report that Jesus of Nazareth was soley responsible for Joshy’s change of heart, just as he was responsible for Joshy gettin’ some buttery nipple action at da club a while back.

HOLLA!

BERKMAN FOR MVP!

Berkman smiling.jpgThe 2011 season is well under way and… SURPRISE!!!… that’s Lance Berkman posing at the Cardinals best player!

Hey folks, he may be weird lookin’ in a Redbird uni, but he’s the only one in the lineup who’s been solid from the get-go.  Go ahead, Albert… just go ahead and think about finding a deal somewhere else… we got number 12!

THE GO-GO-HOME WHITE SOX!

Ozzie Guillen sure is giving Timothy Geithner a run for his money (wink, wink) in the sour face department.  Heck, I’d be angry too if my son’s name was Oney (good grief is that really his name???)… I’d also be angry if my team scored runs like crazy, only to see them erased in the latter innings of an otherwise locked-down ballgame when the bullpen wheels start fallin’ off (see Chris Sale, Matt Thornton, etc.).

Can’t believe I’m sayin’ this, but, I sorta miss big boy Bobby Jenks.  At least with Jenks you’d at least see some emotion when he blew the game. 

Hangin’ the head and walkin’ off is a bit too pedestrian for my liking.

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Happy Friday!

Jeff

In Case You Need Another Reason to Get Excited About 2011 Baseball

You don’t have to be a White Sox fan to let this badass commercial affect you:

Of course, if you are a White Sox fan, you probably feel a little more charged than those who aren’t but still, the theatrics of it all are pretty universal.  Baseball is coming.

And it’s gonna rock our worlds.

In the second grade, I was asked by my teacher where I wanted to live when I grow up.  While most most kids in the class answered with a city name, or, next to their parents’ house, I calmly replied: “anywhere that is walking distance to a ballpark.”

Well, I certainly made that dream come true.  It may not be St. Louis’ Soulard, but Chicago’s Bridgeport neighborhood (where I make my home) is definitely a great place to live, especially in the summer time.  There really is nothing like coming home for work, changing into comfortable shoes and walking down to New Comiskey to scalp some tickets to take in a game on a whim. 

And ya never know… ‘cuz in any given game, anything could happen. 

Anything.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right. 

Peace,

Jeff

Understanding Ozzie

ozzie guillen crazy.jpgWhether he’s hawking random expletives, labeling Jay Mariotti as “a garbage” or mumbling Spanglish idioms no one understands during the World Series on Fox, Ozzie Jose Guillen is always entertaining.

And while his latest project may be getting Jake Peavy to respect his own body (regarding injury, not that Jesusy “your body is a temple” stuff), we should all certainly stop to thank the baseball gods that, despite his busy schedule, Ozzie still has time to tweet.

Oh yes. 

Ozzie tweets.

It’s just that… sometimes, his tweets… they’re not easy to comprehend.  And that’s where RSBS and our faithful interns get to work!

Let us enter the interwebs to analyze some of Ozzie’s latest…

My dog dh needs a gf he want to be charlie sheen he is desperate lol
March 3, 2011
Translation: I think it’d be funny if my dog did a bunch of coke, assaulted hookers and got fired from the best job in television, ‘cuz let’s face it: self-destruction is hilarious.

Very nice day off great golf 89 finnaly play good any cuestion ask oney lol yesssss
March 15, 2011
Translation: Punctuation?  Spelling?  I don’t need no stinking punctuation or spelling!  Ask one of my delinquent sons!

Nice shot james lol

February 24, 2011
Translation: Bet you wish you had a Derrick Rose, right, LeBron?!?!  (this tweet came during one of the Bulls’ three victories over the Heat — right after LeBron threw up a humiliating BRICK towards the end of the game.)

Open a jack in the box in chicago please
February 24, 2011
Translation: I have an E Coli addiction and I need a fix!  Stat!

And, finally…

Getting ready to watch bruno the movie lol… Joey cora favorite movie
March 19, 2011 (Pt. 1 and Pt. 2)
Translation: Joey Cora is gay.

Folks, this is but a small sampling of the logorrheic ramblings Ozzie spews on a daily basis, which is definitely cause to celebrate technocracy.  Just imagine if Earl Weaver had a twitter… oh boy.

Hate me, I don’t care.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 12: Lifestyles of the Rich and Heinous… and Other Stuff

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Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast…

Jeff, Allen and Johanna vehemently compare and critique Croc-based lifestyles, which (surprisingly) include but are not limited to the many labels of Josh Hamilton (including those who are scantily clad), Derek Jeter’s inner Pete Rose, Jeff’s go-to-Gehrig impression, Ozzie Guillen’s mess-mouth and much, much more… all so you can at least laugh while you waste some valuable time!!! Go ahead, laugh it up, fuzzball!

Holla!

– – –

Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack.  Keith is involved in some impressive projects himself.  Check out his work at  Undercard Films.  Seriously.  Do it.  Or I’ll have Prince Fielder sit on your face.

– – –

Recorded Saturday, October 30, 2010

An Extremely Loose and Semi-Offensive Transcription of What Ozzie Guillen Said Last Night

ozzie guillen laughing.jpgYou know it.  I know it.  The US American people know it.

FOX hired Ozzie Guillen to be an analyst on their pre and post game shows for one reason and one reason only: to make sure you at least consider watching their otherwise boring pre and post game shows.

And if you were one of the three or so people who stayed tuned after last night’s rout to suffer through 15 minutes of Chris Rose and Eric Karros’ lisp, well, you’re just as glad as I am that Ozzie was there to break up the monotony.

Even though we have no clue what he said.

The uber-linguistic RSBS interns got to work transcribing, but even they aren’t sure.

Ozzie on the World Series atmosphere:

Dis is wazza gonna want for the ho season. Back in spring train, dis is wazza gonna tink abow forda ho year.  To win a gang after gang after gang, izza gonna hafta looze too.  But dassa wazza gonna happen.  Enjoy it!!!

Ozzie on Juan Uribe’s playoff heroics:

Well, dazza wazza gonna happen.  Dis guy, Uribe, he like a big cat dat like-uh eat something.  He like-uh eat anyting.  Really, he juzza gonna eat so you better let eem eat.  He can hurchoo witta glub and witta bat een hees hanz.

And of course…

Ozzie on what the Rangers have to do to counter the Game 1 loss:

Furs of all, you gonna habba go back in dat clobehouse wit your head up high and make sure you not gonna habba stroke or whadebba ees not gonna kill you you lose one gang.  Errybody losing a gang or eef you northsider you lose a lotta gang (hehehehe) but eet not gonna mattuh go home and tell yo wife you lubba den you relax or what you gonna do to sleep and go to clobehouse tomorrow and win dat gang and maybe another gang back in your own clobehouse.  Dazza wazza gonna habba do.

Whew.

FOX may lose points with Joe Buck and Tim McCarver.  But, dear readers, Ozzie Guillen is an entertainment gold mine!

Hate me.  Fine.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(special thanks to Johanna Mahmud, who contributed to this post)

Desperocracy

bat_chavez.jpg

Desperate times call for desperate measures.  When you’re the long-serving president of a country and your re-election chances aren’t looking so good, you just pass a couple laws, tweak the electoral system slightly and then sit back and watch as the votes start rolling in.  Except for when they don’t, like what happened this past weekend in Venezuela

Now, we love our Venezuelans over here at RSBS, especially when they come in the form of Ozzie Guillen or Miguel Cabrera.  And we really love the neverending stream of inspiration Senor Chavez sends our way.  But Chavez had better put his game face on or the Bolivarian revolution might go the way of Bolivar himself (He’s dead, in case you were wondering).

But this sense of desperation hasn’t limited itself to just Venezuela.  A similar aura of dread has definitely enveloped the Mets’ locker room and front office.  In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if we just popped on the ol’ television here for a second and found out something new:

Well, I guess that about says it all.  And if any of our loyal readers need help polishing up their resumes before making a run at a position with the Mets….or the presidency of Venezuela…..feel free to send them our way and we’ll take a look.  It’s what we do.

-A