I blame The Wire. After blowing through all five seasons in just a few short weeks a couple years ago, everything else just seemed like Jersey Shore: a bunch of self-obsessed lame-ohs screaming and yelling while adding nothing positive to the universe.
And then there was this…
Hate me ‘cuz I helped put some nasty images in your head, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
“All I can tell you is, I wish I had a dime for every dime I had.”
To commemorate my hopeful demise of the mighty money juggernaut that is the Boston Red Sox, I have decided to use one of the greatest films ever conceived to explain my feelings for this occasion.
I’m also here to remind the world of the hurt and pain that Russell Brand caused me by pissing on my childhood by remaking this classic. BASTARDDOOOO.
The Red Sox are falling apart. The Tampa Bay Rays are in pursuit of the wild card and I couldn’t be happier. At the beginning of the season, I, like the rest of the baseball universe, had the Sox winning it all. That being said, I love this Rays team. I’ve loved the last three or four Rays teams. LOVE Joe Maddon. He almost makes me like Florida. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate tha SAWKSSS. I’m just a bit tired of everything Boston. NO MORE BOSTON!! No more Red Sox! The Town, Conviction, Gone Baby Gone, the Patriots, The Departed, Ben Affleck doing Madden ads. I NEED A FAWWWWWWWWKIINNNNN BREAK!!!
“If you and your undershirt will walk two paces backwards, I could enter this dwelling.”
Oh yea. Forgot about Edge of Darkness, The Fighter, and Danny fawwwwwwkkkinnnn Woodhead!!!! I feel like I have had a Fenway Frank shoved up my giggy for the last ten years.
“I race cars, play tennis, and fondle women, BUT! I have weekends off, and I am my own boss.”
Theo Epstein’s bright idea was to punch in Erik Betard. BRILLIANT? No. Can Jon Lester be everywhere at once? Josh Beckett is hurty. The BLOWN RANGER! John Lackey is awful. This staff is not quite in dire straits but…
“Ladies and gentlemen… I’m sorry… As you probably have surmised by now… there will be no wedding. The bride… has had second thoughts… and has decided not to marry me… Most of you know me… Can you blame her?”
Carl Crawford has been my personal joy killer. One of my favorite players of the last seven years, he hasn’t quite been worth the money. Hitting third in this lineup has been a problem. He’s a leadoff hitter!
“Isn’t this fun? Isn’t fun the best thing to have? Don’t you wish you were me? I know I do.”
The rise of Jacoby Ellsbury has been nothing short of TRANSCENDENT — an absolute bright spot. And I couldn’t be happier for the kid who has struggled through injuries. He or Curtis Granderson would be fine choices for MVP. (I’m sorry, Verlander.)
And now, one last fleeting thought for my beloved Cubs. Both Sox teams have won championships and so have the current champ Giants. My thoughts on this?
Gloria: My mother died when I was six.
Arthur: [bangs his fist on the table] Son of a bitch! Don’t they know what they do to kids?
Gloria: My father raped me when I was twelve.
Arthur: So, you had six relatively good years? I’m sorry. Listen, my father screwed me, too.
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So who are your big winners and losers at the trade deadline?
Oak Lawn, IL
Well, as a Tigers’ fan I have to start there. And I think the Tigers made the right moves. They solidified their pitching without giving away the farm and managed to hold on to the top prospects in their system. That sounds pretty good to me.
At the same time, the team chasing us made probably the blockbuster deal of the day by picking up Ubaldo Jimenez. That has to resonate in Detroit as well.
Over in the NL, the Phillies managed to get even better with the addition of Hunter Pence and I’m pretty much all for just letting them play the Giants for the pennant right now.
But the biggest winner? Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots. Come on, sure, the baseball trades were big but the Patriots just picked up Chad Ochocinco and Albert Haynesworth. That means a game changer on either side of the ball. You have to figure that the Patriots look set to roll over the AFC this season.
I’m not going to say that both players will have the same kind of initial season as the Randy Moss trade delivered but Belichick seems to have a knack for turning problem players into essential cogs of the Patriot machine. And guys like Ochocinco and Haynesworth, who have shown that they can dominate when provided the right incentive, totally fit that system.
So, yeah, there were some big trades before the MLB deadline. It’s kind of hard to compare them with Belichick’s continued dominance of his peers, though.
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Every time I turn on the TV or check the news, all I hear is budget this
and spending that. And it seems like there’s a race to see who can
slash the most and do it quickly. If MLB took the same approach, what
could be cut and what should be cut?
Oh, dude… Ramon… spending cuts in baseball?!? Well, it’s your lucky friggin’ day, my friend, ‘cuz I’ve just been waiting — WANTING — to slash the baseball budget for eons — to shred it back to its more recognizable roots.
Here’s but a shortlist of what could and SHOULD be cut from baseball, all together:Uniform Spending
You get one home uni and one road uni. One. Each. You rip it or get it dirty or stained, you deal with it, just like in little league. I don’t care if ya gotta run a shoestring through your pants to keep ’em up, you do it. And none of this alternate jersey crap. White. Gray. That’s it. Also, we’re making them out of wool.
It’s bad enough I gotta pay $44 friggin’ bucks to be assualted by the plebeian tongues of Chicago sCrUBS fan bleacher bums at Wrigley, but to pay $7.25 for a 16 oz can-o-crap (Bud Light)… someone oughta be caned for that sort of crime.
“God Bless America”
Um… if we HAVE to sing this during the seventh inning, then we HAVE to sing “Here Comes Santa Claus” too, ‘cuz Santa Claus is MY favorite mythical creature, m’kay? Whether you believe in god or not, this song has no place in our grand game. To make me stand up to prove I’m a patriot is even more asinine. I love my country because my country says I don’t have to conform to some crazy ideas thought up by a crackpot who has his own best interests in mind. Also, by mandating this song be sung, we are excluding our friendly neighbors to the north, who’ve never been the same since losing the Expos. Frankly, I’ve never been the same since losing the Expos… so let’s find a non-religious song that exemplifies NORTH America’s awesomeness… like, how about something by Rush?
Get that done, Ramon, and we get our game back.
I mean, seriously… have you seen Rush play live?
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
– – –
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You know this, dear readers. Heck, you probably love you some too.
And yesterday, on our hallowed Fourth of July holiday, I had a grandtastical time with friends, family, and beer. I BBQ-hopped all over the Chi; kissed babies’ sunburnt foreheads; ate me some apple pie. At the end of the day I was so drunk with red, white and blue cheer that I couldn’t help but point my finger at strangers and say “I want YOU!”
And along the way, I learned what ‘Merica really is.
Duh. We all know this. I attended BBQs in costume, as a walking representation of our nation’s capital. I wore this red novelty tee (the sleeves I ripped off, ‘cuz ‘Merica don’t need no dang sleeves) with the Washington Nationals cap I picked up during Strasmas a couple of weeks ago.
This outwardly provocative get-up netted me lots of friends. Strangers approached me with “Hey, Strasburg, man!” and “Gotta love Strasburg, dude.” The ladies were impressed with me being big in Europe and one of them even made a joke about the possibility of Stephen Strasburg being big in Europe, to which I replied, “Strasburg… he’s good and all, but, y’know he ain’t no Jeff Lung.”
Being Anything You Wanna Be… For Five Hours
And of course… ‘Merica… it’s…
Having a Dream, Living that Dream, Then Saying F the World
Hate me ‘cuz it’s trendy, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
There isn’t a whole lot to like about Massachusetts. The Patriots are cheaters and cocky loudmouths. The Red Sox and their fans have gone from being objects of pity to objects of disdain in the space of five years with their whiny crybaby antics. Even their success has now been called into the question with the slow leak of the Mitchell Report.
But if there’s one thing that Massachusetts does well, it’s politics. Deval Patrick’s gubernatorial candidacy in some ways presaged Barack Obama. And no less a conservative than Mitt Romney once led the People’s Republic of Massachusetts. However, there’s one name that stands above all the rest, even if destined to live on now only in myth.
During the night, the last great flame of the Kennedy family flickered out. Tiny cinders like Patrick Kennedy still dot the political landscape but they fade in comparison to what used to be a towering inferno of political ambition. At least Ted got to go more or less on his own terms, without suffering the same fate as his brothers. But his death is no less devastating, especially since Kennedy had long championed the health care reform that is slowly inching its way through the Congress.
Today people from both sides of the aisle, those who watch FOX news and those who rely on MSNBC, will pay their respects to “The Lion of the Senate” before returning to the partisan war of attrition that defines politics today. And despite all the excitement of divisional races and the upcoming publication of A Magical Mystery Tour (Part II) which will take us deep into the frightening recesses of Jeff’s brain, we here at RSBS also take a step back today to pay homage to Senator Edward Kennedy.