To say that this season was disappointing for the Philadelphia Phillies would be an understatement, and many Phillies’ fans put the blame for this season directly on the shoulders of Charlie Manuel. That’s not really too surprising considering the notoriously horrible Philadelphia fanbase and their willingness to scapegoat anyone for the slightest straying from what they consider to be the true path. They’re a horrible cult gone even more horribly wrong. It’s like a bunch of David Koresh’s all got together and made Philadephia their own personal Waco. At this point, we’re just waiting for the FBI to torch the place.
But I don’t think we should feel sorry for Charlie Manuel. Why? Here’s one reason:
Thanks to Young Charlie Manuel’s soothing presence and weather-predictive hinge joints, he remains to this day the world’s only certified Tornado Whisperer.
Yeah, and that’s just the beginning.
Personally, I think the only way this gets better is if Charlie climbs up to the announcer’s booth and sings “Don’t Cry for me, Philadelphia.” I’m pretty sure young Charlie Manuel would do it. Maybe even in Japanese.
Earlier this week, Senator Hillary Clinton, while feeling immense pressure to get out of the democratic race that she can’t possibly win without tearing apart the party, again proved her desperateness and questionable rationality during a speech in Pennsylvania. It was there that the former first lady likened herself to the hardened fighter from the Rocky film franchise:
“Could you imagine if Rocky Balboa had gotten halfway up those art
museum stairs and said, ‘Well, I guess that’s about far enough’? That’s
not the way it works… Let me tell you something. When it comes to finishing the fight, Rocky and I have a lot in common. I never quit.”
This quote (and the subsequent authoritative tone with which she gave it) is disturbing on many levels. First of all, Rocky may not have quit, but he still lost the damn fight. And while that was entertaining in itself, it didn’t work out well for him, especially since Apollo Creed turned his face into mush. Secondly, while it was a great film that reached all audiences, the sequels went on ad nauseum, quite like the Clinton campaign. By the time the fifth movie came out, people were uninterested in the tired underdog plot lines that never seemed to change from one film to the next. Only with the death of Apollo Creed in Rocky IV were audiences buzzing about the Rocky series again, which was heightened when Rocky had to face a Soviet robot while we were still in a cold war, so you can see how easy it was for us to be hypnotized by that.
But the third, and most important point, is the simple fact that Rocky Balboa wasn’t real. He was a fictional character in a fictional world that had fictional problems which gave him a fictional reason not to quit. The sad part is many U.S. Americans probably haven’t made this connection — and probably never will because they don’t care.
If I were a Clinton speech writer, I would’ve advised her to use a much more prevalent and tangible analogy — one questioning what would’ve happened had the 2007 Philadelphia Phillies decided to quit before September. What if, seeing how far back in the standings they were behind the Mets with a only a few precious weeks left, J-Rol, R-How and C-Ut decided it was no use to keep fighting? What if Jamie Moyer would’ve hung it up? What if the Phanatic had retired his silliness?
Of course, no matter how you look at it, even this analogy wouldn’t quite ring the Liberty Bell. I mean, unless Barack Obama suddenly loses the ability to pitch in meaningful games and keep his batting average above the Mendoza line, she still doesn’t have a chance.
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.