As I try to navigate my way through the frosty haze that is my LINGERING SHOCK AND DISBELIEF THAT THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING, I have to continuously remind myself to LOOK AT THE BRUISES on my arm.
THE BRUISES ARE FROM PEOPLE PINCHING ME.
AT MY REQUEST.
ALSO, IN CASE YOU HAVEN’T NOTICED, I CANNOT STOP YELLING!!!
That’s because, for the FIRST time in my entire life, I am going to the World Series.
In fact, I’m going to Games One AND Two of the World Series.
And y’all thought David after dentist was confused… I feel like a little kid!!!
Hate me. Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m goin’ to the big dance.
PS. I wouldn’t be able to go if it weren’t for the graciousness of my lifelong friend, JW. If you’re ever in Quincy, IL, make sure to stop at O’Griff’s Irish Pub for THE BEST homebrew you’ve ever had. Also, order the artichoke hearts. You won’t be disappointed. I guarantee it.
He must have been a Pirates fan.
Yet spring training is supposed to be that time of year when every team has a shot at being the best, every team has the opportunity to go all the way, every team can hope to be champions — well, every team not named the Pirates, Royals and now: The St. Louis Cardinals.
That’s right, folks. The Cardinals were big losers before they even got to camp thanks to one General Manager John Mozeliak. It is no secret that I hold little regard for the man who did nothing to better our ball club during this off-season, so I will refrain from further condemning him back to the bookish hell from which he originally oozed.
What I will do instead is make it easy for you, dear readers, Cardinal lovers and Cardinal haters alike: those days of St. Louis fans harboring perennial playoff hopes are long gone. And all that remains is an empty, blown-out pipedream much akin to that of one Theo Roll, modern dancer extraordinaire.
Don’t know who Theo Roll, modern dancer extraordinaire is?
Watch and learn (at the 1:35 mark look for some fine, world class, Academy Award worthy acting):
Get my drift?
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
— Albert Einstein (or those guys at A.A. meetings)
So why do I do it? Why do I continue to support the Chicago Tribune despite their undeniable penchant for making my fair city a cesspool of inferior journalism and third-rate hack reportage that totally alienates those who enjoy reading actual news? Haven’t I broken enough household items over the garbage printed in the Tribune’s sports section? Haven’t I put enough holes in the walls of my apartment? Haven’t I lost my voice enough screaming over this insanity!?!
As if the Trib’s article — printed the day after Opening Day — touting Kosuke Fukudome as a perennial all-star MVP candidate who would most definitely serve as the secret weapon that would get the Cubs a ring wasn’t ludicrous enough. As if the Trib’s full-page special promotion of a book they co-published titled This Is the Year to commemorate the Cubs’ so called “historic 2008 season” before they even played ONE playoff game wasn’t outrageous enough.
No. They just couldn’t stop themselves from making me hate them more and more and more…
As if there wasn’t a World Series going on starring the Philadelphia Phillies and Tampa Bay Rays, the Tribune decided it’d be a great idea to fill precious space on the sports section’s front page with a preposterously pathetic pipedream of an article by Mike Downey called: Cubs Against Rays: The Series to Die For.
Excuse me while I puke.
Is this news? Really? Come on! Get a grip, Tribune! You seriously pay this guy to sit around and think up fairytale scenarios that would feature the Cubs in the World Series while there is indeed a very important WORLD SERIES taking place right NOW?!? Wake up! The Cubs are dead. They’ve been dead. And they ain’t comin’ back to life!
I want to pick up my local newspaper and read about the important things going on in the world — not the private fantasies of Cub fans who just can’t seem to let GO. Apparently my cries, my letters to the editor, my raving rants — all of which have been vehemently directed at the Chicago Tribune and its sub-par sports-writing staff — have been ignored.
But for those of you keeping score at home, please know the following:
1) Kosuke Fukudome? MVP my ^ss.
2) This Is the Year? My local CVS had piles of these strewn about randomly throughout the store with signs saying “FREE” and “PLEASE TAKE ONE” and “MAKES GOOD KINDLING”. I live on the Southside.
3) Sorry, Mr. Downey. Your article is crap.
Oh, and by the way, you might want to pay attention to the real World Series (which the Cubs are not a part of). As Anita, from the hit Broadway musical West Side Story, once said: Smoke on your pipe and put THAT in!
And don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.