Like any good book, the baseball season unfolds as a series of intriguing stories. Mike Trout. Bryce Harper. The Baltimore Orioles. The Boston sell-off. ROIDS!!! These are all striking plot lines that draw us in, forcing us to check Twitter and MLB Trade Rumors and MLB Tonight as often as Mr. Krause uses a 5-year old picture of me looking like a goof.
Yet, at the end of the season, after the World Champions have been crowned, the champagne has been drunk and Ozzie Guillen has said something unintelligible on live television, I firmly believe that the biggest story of the year could be the complete reversal of what up until a few weeks ago looked like a major headline grabber.
That’s right. I’m talking to you, Pittsburgh Pirates.
Not even International Talk Like A Pirate Day could save loyal baseball fans in the Steel City from wanting to bring back the brown paper bags from the last 19 years.
With the losses on Wednesday and Thursday, the Pirates find themselves back where they belong, with a losing record.
It’s sad, right? I guess. No. I know. It is sad. But for a realist like me, it was also predictable. The Pirates doing well would be a surprise. Seeing them sink back into loserdom is not.
Speaking of losers, you are not one today, my friend. In fact, you just won! What did you win? Well, I can’t leave you feeling so sad on a Friday… so here are 18 glorious minutes of bloopers from The Office.
I’ve watched the play about a 100 times now — each time the pain rings out through my own body, more and more. I’ve often heard about mothers feeling their children’s’ pain — lovers experiencing each others’ physical ailments.
This is what that must feel like.
Watching Yadier Molina get crushed is something I will never be able to fully accept. But I’ve watched it over and over and I really do think Josh Harrison had no other choice. Yadi did his job. He took away the plate. The only way Harrison had a shot was to go under, over or through Yadi.
Yadi’s a beast. Over and under were not plausible options. Harrison’s only choice was to barrel through.
It sucks to watch your man-crush get pummeled, but I watched Mickey Ward get destroyed once too, and he came back like the champ that he was.
Yadi will be back too.
So please, don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Who is the man with the masterplan?
Good question, Jake! And the answer isn’t as easy as one Dr. Dre would lead you to believe.
Honestly, it’s hard to just pick one person and say he’s the man with the masterplan. And since we here at RSBS like to avoid being too categorical, I’m going to give you a list of possibilities and let you decide.
First we turn to the world of baseball. Here, you could say it’s the Washington Nationals, the former laughingstock of the league who now find themselves with the second best record in baseball, who are the man. Or, how about the Cincinnati Reds with the best record in baseball? Even that would be ignoring the Pittsburgh Pirates, who, although several games behind the Reds, are still in wildcard contention. The Pirates?!
If that’s too vague for you, we could always try to drill down a little and offer up some individuals. You can’t spit these days without hitting some news about Mike Trout. However, at only 20 years old, it’s a little hard to say that he’s the man with the masterplan. The same could be said of Stephen Strasburg, although the Nationals’ plan to limit his innings this season could be seen as a masterplan…..or a master cock-up if it costs them a playoff spot or a deep playoff run.
When you say masterplan, though, that seems to be a bit more global than just Major League Baseball. This sounds more like it requires worldwide dominance in which case we should turn our eyes toward London and the Olympic games. The obvious choices here are the US Men’s basketball team who unfortunately seemed almost human against the Lithuanians and Michael Phelps, the Midas of swimming who has a knack for turning almost everything gold.
However, it also doesn’t hurt to look a bit further afield. For instance, how about a man who dabbles in and dominates a field of pseudo-gymnastics. That’s right. Olympic men’s trampoline champion, Dong Dong. With a name like that and the current title-holder as World and Olympic champion, it’s hard to say he’s not the man with the masterplan.
The Pirates were a perennial losing franchise?
Bob Costas’ pretentious Olympian superlatives weren’t pretentious because they were about baseball, something the man truly loves?
I mocked Sarah Palin’s mocking of Obama’s proposed “hopey-change” politics?
Everyone discounted the Cardinals’ playoff hopes with three weeks left in the season?
The GOP wasn’t an absolute joke?
Christopher Nolan’s Batman franchise was the greatest thing that ever happened in comic book film history? (WARNING: Major spoiler alert with that link)
NBC didn’t ruin every single sporting event it broadcasted?*
US American politicians really worked for the people?
And remember when you didn’t hate me ‘cuz I was right?
*Not including the XFL, which was a brilliant endeavor, even if it was extremely stupid.
Sports Illustrated‘s annual Fortune 50 list of the 50 highest-earning American athletes list is out and Major League Baseball is heavily represented. In fact, 36% of the athletes are baseballers — some better than others (looking at you, Barry Zito). And while I’m sad to see an star like Floyd Mayweather, Jr at the top, one who eschews real glory at the highest level for a comfortable place atop boxing mediocrity, I am glad that baseball players are makin’ that pay-puh. It makes me feel less suicidal when I pay $8 for a 16 oz beer.
Here’s a quick rundown of the highest paid American baseball players and their overall ranking among American athletes in parenthesis.
1. Alex Rodriguez (6)
Too bad for the Yankees A-Rod can’t be young and steroided like the good old days. His health is just going downhill from here.
2. Derek Jeter (9)
He can do no wrong. I would pay this man a bazillion dollars a year if I could. And since Albert left me, I have no problems admitting my 17-year Jeet man-crush.
3. Joe Mauer (12)
Really? 12th highest paid American athlete overall and third highest Major Leaguer? I would feel better about this if he could hit it over the Target Field fence once in a while.
4. Vernon Wells (17)
PSSSHH!!!! I just ruined my keyboard with a mouthful of coffee.
5. C.C. Sabathia (20)
Mo’ money, mo’ foooooooooooooooooood!
6. Mark Teixeira (21)
Nothing says $23 million a year like a YEEE-HAW JAW!
7. Prince Fielder (22)
I have a feeling if I make one more Prince Fielder fat joke then I’m going to be… eaten…
8. Adrian Gonzalez (25)
He may have lost his power stroke, but with $21 million a year I’m sure he’s strokin’ plenty of power.
9. Justin Verlander (28)
A man’s man, I would prefer to see Verlander at the very top of this list, or at the very least, have the opportunity to rifle a fastball at Mayweather’s head.
10. Cliff Lee (29)
Way to go, Phillies. You’re making Clifton Phifer look bad.
11. Ryan Howard (32)
While many of my Cardinal fan brethren choose to hate on Albert, I prefer to hate on Howard, the man who made signing Albert impossible.
12. Roy Halladay (35)
Way to go, Phillies. You bring in the best pitcher in baseball to get you over the hump then s*** the bed three years in a row.
13, 14, 15. Barry Zito, Carl Crawford, Albert Pujols (Tied for 36 overall)
One of these things is not like the other…
16. Josh Beckett (44)
Is it me or has he gained like 40 pounds since he was traded to the Red Sox?
17. Jake Peavy (45)
Up until this year, I thought dude was done. Yes, the crow I’ve been eating tastes bad.
18. A.J. Burnett (49)
Huh? How did A.J. get on this list? I’d like to know the same. He should’ve signed two contracts, one for each of his personalities. At least he’s been living up to it ever since his worst day ever.
Hate me ‘cuz I didn’t make the list, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right!
We’ve been warning our readers about the impending zombie apocalypse for a while now. In fact, we even went so far as to make some suggestions on how to prepare. Well, it turns out it’s a good thing we did so because on the zombie apocalypse clock, we’re about a millisecond from midnight.
The signs have been there for several years but it took some crackerjack sleuthing by the RSBS interns to sift through all the grisly stories and distill out the horrible truth. If you go back nine years ago, to 2003, you find the infamous case of the man who decapitated himself while trying to flee an arrest (link contains graphic photos). Or is that what happened? As we all know, you have to decapitate a zombie to kill it so maybe the “fleeing arrest” story was just a coverup to keep people from freaking out about zombies.
However, even if you dismiss the man on the fence, the events of the past couple weeks should assure you that the apocalypse is upon us. First, in late May, Canadian police began to find blood-soaked packages in the mail containing human body parts. You know who else likes to dismember people? Zombies.
A couple days later we heard about the Maryland college student who not only killed a man who had been living with his family but also ate his heart and brain. Ate his brain?!? There’s only one other being I know of that likes to eat brains. Zombies.
And if that isn’t enough to convince you, how about the man conveniently known as the “Miami zombie” who was shot while trying to eat a homeless man’s face? I can only think of one reason to eat someone’s face and that’s because it’s the easiest way to get to their brain. I’m pretty sure there’s another group that instinctively knows the quickest way from point A to point B (as in brain), is a straight line. Mathematicians. And zombies.
Now, just in case you think I haven’t done enough to prove that the apocalypse, zombie or other, is upon us, think about this. Currently the Orioles and White Sox are leading their respective divisions and the Pirates are in second. Yeah, kind of makes you want to stock up on bottled water and sawed-off shotguns, doesn’t it?
The next time you’re late for work, spill coffee on your khakis and then get rejected by the hot gal at your local bakery, just remember: life could always be worse.
You could be a delusional sexist homophobe. Or, you could be A.J. Burnett.
Equally terrifying, I know.
But it just doesn’t get much worse than A.J.’s lackluster performance from Wednesday night. In fact, in the entire history of Major League Baseball, it was the single worst start by a pitcher since 1929 as Burnett was lit up by the Cardinals for 12 hits and 12 earned runs in just 2 2/3 innings.
But today is Friday, folks, and I don’t wanna release you for the weekend all depressed, so when that worst day ever does choose you as its next victim, make sure you watch the below video to remind you of the BEST. DAY. EVER!!!!