Yesterday Barbara Walters came out and admitted to having a long-time affair with former U.S. Senator Edward Brooke. It only took her 30 years to disclose, which makes the story that less exciting, but hey, she had a reputation to uphold. Now that no one cares about her anymore, I see her confession as a very smart move. There is no such thing as bad press…
Unless you’re Roger Clemens. As if using performance-enhancing drugs to get an edge and then lying to a federal grand jury wasn’t enough, it has now become known that Clemens probably had a predatory affair with a 15-year-old girl. But wait, there’s more: infamous golfer John Daly’s ex-wife, Paulette, is now accused of have having an affair with Roger too! Yikes! Drunks, cheaters and hot-heads, boy, that Paulette sure knows how to pick ’em! Coincidentally, my mother called me this afternoon to report that she too had an affair with Roger Clemens; but she was quick to point out that she ended the relationship shortly after he said “Your son throws like a girl. Let’s shoot him up.”
So all this truth-telling has moved me to disclose my dirty little secret too. I’m not proud of it; but it’s time to come clean. A few years ago, when I was at very low point in my life, I had a promiscuous relationship with a mouse. Yes, a mouse. We had a love child, and though I haven’t seen him since he was born, I keep track of all of his accomplishments through the newspaper. Here’s the only picture I have of him. No matter what distance is between us, I will always love him. He’s so cute. I think he has my ear.
And if this isn’t enough honest drama for you, the Cardinals v. Cubs series kicks off tonight. Though the managerial matchup of LaRussa v. Piniella is not as fiery and bound for mischief as LaRussa v. Baker, remember, LaRussa and Piniella have some history too. Who doesn’t remember the 1990 World Series?
Oh. No one remembers it. That’s right.
In any case, the Cards win this series AND the respect of ESPN. Okay, maybe only the first part is true, but you know what I mean.
Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
I sure hope that Hilary Duff hookup back in February 2007 was worth it for Barry Zito because he hasn’t been the same pitcher since. While most people would like to point out his faulty mechanics and the pressure to perform after landing a fat paycheck as the reasons for his meltdown, I know better. It’s the ladies. They can be nagging after all, and if you have to go home to someone who is way more successful than you are — a hottie who played a girl named McGuire (wink, wink at the Bay love connection) — it’s easy to see how difficult it could be to throw strikes.
In the second inning of today’s loss against the Diamondbacks, Zito couldn’t find the strikezone with a Sherman tank full of maps. He walked the bases loaded and on a 2-0 count to the until-then hitless pitcher, Brandon Webb, he threw a fastball and gave up a two run single.
As a friend (a Giants fan no less) recently told me: “Zito Happens.”
The Evolution of Hillary
As much as Obama tries to make this about the issues, Hillary just can’t let go of the “same old politics” and she is embarrassing me as member of the Democratic Party. In tonight’s debate, she said:
“I may be a lot of things, but I’m not dumb.”
Well I’m not dumb either, Hillary, and I think it’s pretty clear what path we U.S. Americans would be taking if you become our Democratic nominee:
Like some old guy at the bus stop tells himself out loud every morning (as if I’m not standing next to him), “Actions speak louder than words.” I think he thinks he made that up. In any case, he’s right…
…and so am I, so don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
P.S. Where the hell is Allen? The Hockeytown Tigers have won three in a row and he’s still hiding in shame for not supporting Jack Morris’ HOF bid. What a loser.