Tagged: Rangers

‘Merica, This Is Your Country Calling

tea bagging for jesus.jpgAnd it is up to you to answer.

Because while we congratulate the San Francisco Giants and crown them as World Champions of Baseball, your country remains in dire need of your attention, your intelligence, your action!

While I have long subscribed to the “when in doubt, go left” theory of politics, I realize that now — during a time when most people seem to be more angry, more cynical, more in doubt about any and everything than ever before — that such a theory may seem just as blind and just as stupid as the uninformed bible-bearin’ masses who inject fear and hate and intolerance into every single conversation.

But don’t be fooled.

It ain’t.

The Tea Party might be the scariest thing on the planet since… since Sarah Palin came within six percentage points of being that proverbial heartbeat away from the most powerful position in the world.

We just barely avoided that catastrophe.  Let’s not get that close again.

So go out.  Do your duty.  Be that baseball and apple pie lovin’ US American

Just see to it that ya do the right thing.

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And remember, this is ‘Merica.  You can hate me.  It’s a free country.

Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(second image via 9GAG)

The RSBS Podcast, Episode 12: Lifestyles of the Rich and Heinous… and Other Stuff

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Click ME to Listen!!!

And so in this Podcast…

Jeff, Allen and Johanna vehemently compare and critique Croc-based lifestyles, which (surprisingly) include but are not limited to the many labels of Josh Hamilton (including those who are scantily clad), Derek Jeter’s inner Pete Rose, Jeff’s go-to-Gehrig impression, Ozzie Guillen’s mess-mouth and much, much more… all so you can at least laugh while you waste some valuable time!!! Go ahead, laugh it up, fuzzball!

Holla!

– – –

Subscribe to the RSBS Podcast by clicking *HERE*

Subscribe via iTunes by clicking *HERE*

*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack.  Keith is involved in some impressive projects himself.  Check out his work at  Undercard Films.  Seriously.  Do it.  Or I’ll have Prince Fielder sit on your face.

– – –

Recorded Saturday, October 30, 2010

The Non-Baseball Fan Guide to the Playoffs (Remix)

Jeff and Allen have been very busy
all season long and with the playoffs in full swing, they thought it
might be nice to bring in some relief writers.  Today their friend from
college, Frank, gives us his take on the playoffs.

__________________________

new_york_skyline.jpgWorld Series?  Of course I’m not watching the World Series.  Are the Mets playing?  No.  Even the Yankees I could stand watching.  But these two lameass teams?  No way, man.  No New York, no Frank.

In fact, I don’t even want to talk about it.  It’s bad enough that the Mets completely s**t the bed this season.  I don’t want to hear about the f*****g Yankees and the no east coast finale.  Actually, I don’t even want to talk to you at all right now.  You know why?  Because you’re an enema.  No, you’re my enema…

….Shut up, dude.  Of course I know what I said.  No, I didn’t mean to say enemy.  I meant enema.  You know, like your continued existence cleanses my colon. 

Seriously, though.  I’m not even sure I know where San Francisco is.  Is that down in the Village or something?  If you want to be straight about things, the Giants are technically a New York team anyway.  I guess it would be weird to have the baseball Giants and football Giants in the same town but who cares?  And what the hell is in Texas?  Nothing I want to see, that’s for sure.

You know what is in Texas that I did enjoy seeing, though?  The f*****g Cowboys getting stomped by the Giants.  Baseball season is done, bro.  It’s football time now.  F**k Texas.  F**k San Francisco.  And you know what, f**k you, too, bro….

…Nah, man, I’m just kidding.  I love you, bro.  We’re cool.  Give me a hug.

-Frank

An Extremely Loose and Semi-Offensive Transcription of What Ozzie Guillen Said Last Night

ozzie guillen laughing.jpgYou know it.  I know it.  The US American people know it.

FOX hired Ozzie Guillen to be an analyst on their pre and post game shows for one reason and one reason only: to make sure you at least consider watching their otherwise boring pre and post game shows.

And if you were one of the three or so people who stayed tuned after last night’s rout to suffer through 15 minutes of Chris Rose and Eric Karros’ lisp, well, you’re just as glad as I am that Ozzie was there to break up the monotony.

Even though we have no clue what he said.

The uber-linguistic RSBS interns got to work transcribing, but even they aren’t sure.

Ozzie on the World Series atmosphere:

Dis is wazza gonna want for the ho season. Back in spring train, dis is wazza gonna tink abow forda ho year.  To win a gang after gang after gang, izza gonna hafta looze too.  But dassa wazza gonna happen.  Enjoy it!!!

Ozzie on Juan Uribe’s playoff heroics:

Well, dazza wazza gonna happen.  Dis guy, Uribe, he like a big cat dat like-uh eat something.  He like-uh eat anyting.  Really, he juzza gonna eat so you better let eem eat.  He can hurchoo witta glub and witta bat een hees hanz.

And of course…

Ozzie on what the Rangers have to do to counter the Game 1 loss:

Furs of all, you gonna habba go back in dat clobehouse wit your head up high and make sure you not gonna habba stroke or whadebba ees not gonna kill you you lose one gang.  Errybody losing a gang or eef you northsider you lose a lotta gang (hehehehe) but eet not gonna mattuh go home and tell yo wife you lubba den you relax or what you gonna do to sleep and go to clobehouse tomorrow and win dat gang and maybe another gang back in your own clobehouse.  Dazza wazza gonna habba do.

Whew.

FOX may lose points with Joe Buck and Tim McCarver.  But, dear readers, Ozzie Guillen is an entertainment gold mine!

Hate me.  Fine.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(special thanks to Johanna Mahmud, who contributed to this post)

The Greatest Series No One Will See

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Tim Lincecum.  Cliff Lee.  Buster Posey.  Josh Hamilton (with special guest, Jesus of Nazareth).

This… spells… EPIC.

Unfortunately, only the folks in San Francisco, Dallas/Ft. Worth and the diehards (like myself) will be paying attention.

Such is a World Series without marquee cities and pinstripes galore (see 2006 for more info).

But I have an idea… a way to rope in the casual fan from Syracuse to Sandusky to Sacramento and beyond. 

In between innings, give a hot chick a gun and let ‘er rip:

‘Cuz, THAT, dear readers, is ‘Merica!!!

Yes.  Yes, you can thank me later.

Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

No More Drama

no_drama.jpg

With the exception of the Rays and Rangers, the division series didn’t exactly pack in a whole lot of excitement.  Sure, there were great individual moments and Halladay’s no-no immediately went down in baseball history as a post-season moment you’ll tell your kids about one day.  But even with one series going the distance, none of the matchups inspired much drama. 

There is hope as we move on.  The Yankees and Phillies look practically unstoppable but sometimes drama comes from unlikely places.  It’s like how things in politics can go from being a sure thing to suddenly tightening or how a baseball game can go from brutal clash to blowout with a single error.  Often it’s the simplest little things on which events turn.  Swiftboating, an errant throw from a pitcher.  You just never know.

However, if you’re Charlie Crist, you just have to hope that all the drama of the Florida Senate election doesn’t end up hinging on this:

C’mon Charlie.  Farnsworth is already out of the playoffs.  No need to pay homage.

-A