Okay, so you guys rooting for the Red Sox or the Rays?
Fort Wayne, IN
Sometimes I wonder if people even read this blog. I know that Jeff and I take a look from time and there are occasional comments but do people really read it? In general, I believe there’s a through-line to what we write and a lot of that relates to being fans of Midwestern teams, teams that are, by definition, underdogs. Sure, the Tigers and Cardinals may have a great tradition but they are not from either of the two coasts and that leads to certain amount of neglect.
We’ve had to root for our teams when they were at their worst. I’ve been a Tigers’ fan since I can remember knowing about baseball and that meant I saw successful seasons followed by seasons of utter and total failure. That didn’t change anything, though. I was still fan. Whether it’s a 119 loss campaign or the heartbreak of losing in the World Series or a playoff, Tigers fans remain a grounded lot. Part of that is related to Detroit itself and part of it is the realization that baseball has its ups and downs and you have to roll with both extremes.
I used to think that Boston fans felt the same way. They suffered through the years without a championship despite coming agonizingly close on multiple occasions. And when they finally broke through against the Yankees and went on to trounce the Cardinals, I think quite a few people were happy for them. Even I have to admit that it felt good to see them beat the Yankees and end such a long drought.
But then something happened. The Red Sox and their fans went from being a Mitch Albom wet dream to Yankees-lite. By the time they won again in 2007, both the team and the fans had gone from long-suffering to insufferable. There’s nothing wrong with confidence but what Boston had evolved from confidence into arrogance. All the talk of Theo Epstein, Big Papi and Manny being Manny began to inspire a gag reflex.
Manny is no longer in Boston or baseball. Pedro Martinez has disappeared, too. Sure, there are still gutsy, admirable players like Pedroia and Ellsbury. But I no longer have any warm feelings toward the Red Sox. As far as I’m concerned, they’re just the Yankees with a Boston accent. That’s why I’m cheering for the Rays.
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“All I can tell you is, I wish I had a dime for every dime I had.”
To commemorate my hopeful demise of the mighty money juggernaut that is the Boston Red Sox, I have decided to use one of the greatest films ever conceived to explain my feelings for this occasion.
I’m also here to remind the world of the hurt and pain that Russell Brand caused me by pissing on my childhood by remaking this classic. BASTARDDOOOO.
The Red Sox are falling apart. The Tampa Bay Rays are in pursuit of the wild card and I couldn’t be happier. At the beginning of the season, I, like the rest of the baseball universe, had the Sox winning it all. That being said, I love this Rays team. I’ve loved the last three or four Rays teams. LOVE Joe Maddon. He almost makes me like Florida. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate tha SAWKSSS. I’m just a bit tired of everything Boston. NO MORE BOSTON!! No more Red Sox! The Town, Conviction, Gone Baby Gone, the Patriots, The Departed, Ben Affleck doing Madden ads. I NEED A FAWWWWWWWWKIINNNNN BREAK!!!
“If you and your undershirt will walk two paces backwards, I could enter this dwelling.”
Oh yea. Forgot about Edge of Darkness, The Fighter, and Danny fawwwwwwkkkinnnn Woodhead!!!! I feel like I have had a Fenway Frank shoved up my giggy for the last ten years.
“I race cars, play tennis, and fondle women, BUT! I have weekends off, and I am my own boss.”
Theo Epstein’s bright idea was to punch in Erik Betard. BRILLIANT? No. Can Jon Lester be everywhere at once? Josh Beckett is hurty. The BLOWN RANGER! John Lackey is awful. This staff is not quite in dire straits but…
“Ladies and gentlemen… I’m sorry… As you probably have surmised by now… there will be no wedding. The bride… has had second thoughts… and has decided not to marry me… Most of you know me… Can you blame her?”
Carl Crawford has been my personal joy killer. One of my favorite players of the last seven years, he hasn’t quite been worth the money. Hitting third in this lineup has been a problem. He’s a leadoff hitter!
“Isn’t this fun? Isn’t fun the best thing to have? Don’t you wish you were me? I know I do.”
The rise of Jacoby Ellsbury has been nothing short of TRANSCENDENT — an absolute bright spot. And I couldn’t be happier for the kid who has struggled through injuries. He or Curtis Granderson would be fine choices for MVP. (I’m sorry, Verlander.)
And now, one last fleeting thought for my beloved Cubs. Both Sox teams have won championships and so have the current champ Giants. My thoughts on this?
Gloria: My mother died when I was six.
Arthur: [bangs his fist on the table] Son of a bitch! Don’t they know what they do to kids?
Gloria: My father raped me when I was twelve.
Arthur: So, you had six relatively good years? I’m sorry. Listen, my father screwed me, too.
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The world moves faster now than it did just decade ago. In fact, while writing that last sentence, I lost two bets, texted a girl without using my fingers and imagined an elaborate Broadway staging of my favorite Bukowski quote.
So naturally, it would be easy to miss out on some important informational nuggets throughout the day. But do not fear. The RSBS interns have been hard at work to bring you these five things you NEED to know NOW:
1. Rick Perry Is Insane
You didn’t have to watch the *YAWN* GOP debate last night to know that. All you need to know is that he truly believes setting aside an entire day for his state leaders to focus on talking to their imaginary friend is an acceptable way of tackling Texas’ problems. Um… please, someone tell me that being “delusional” makes one unelectable in a general election???
2. MLB Playoff Changes Are a Comin’
If today was September 8, 2012, the Cardinals, Giants and Rays would all still be fighting like hobos for the last drop of playoff wine. Generally speaking, I don’t like change; but to be fair, this seems imminent and fitting. I give it my blessing. VOILA!
3. Mr. Krause’s Retort Is Weak
In his most recent attempt to derail my celebratory allegiance to Liberty, he wrote: “I don’t have time to go back and correct all of his logical and factual fallacies one by one,” which is Big Government Liberal speak for: “I don’t know how to slip that dude’s jab-jab-right hook-left cross combination so let me try and talk around it.” Just sayin’!
4. John Smoltz Is Awesome… At Everything
He was a bad@$$ mound maestro during his playing days. He also was/is one hell of a golfer — good enough to, at one point, even consider going pro. And after listening to him in the broadcast booth as the color commentator on an entire season’s worth of games, I gotta say: Smoltz is one hell of a broadcaster. With a Hall of Fame baseball acumen, superior poise and uncanny timing, he definitely warrants kicking Tim McCarver’s dusty rump aside.
5. The Astros Will Be Going to the American League
Don’t worry. No one will probably even notice.
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
With just six weeks and some change left in the regular season, now is the time I lament my dear Cardinals’ now seemingly annual implosion from the top of the NL Central and into regular season obscurity. Sure we can blame Waino’s injury. We can blame Albert’s transformation from Machine to Double-Play Machine. We can blame shoddy defense and the lack of a real closer, hell, blame me, I don’t care. But in the end, there is no denying that we have lost the really important games and we’ve been real sloppy doing it.
Of course, this is the NL Central. So until the math cancels us out, there’s no need to give up just yet.
The same cannot be said for the Tampa Bay Rays.
If the Rays were in any division other than the AL East they’d be right in the thick of contention. Unfortunately, the way things are now, even if they do collect the fourth best record in the AL, they still won’t make the playoffs as long as post season regulars New York and Boston remain above them. I find this a bit sad, for the Rays have gotten tremendous pitching all season long and they’ve found a way to win without high-priced free agent flops Carl Crawford and Carlos Pena.
But no one’s talking about the Rays. And no one will.
Hm… reminds me of the one-way delusional street commonly referred to as the Republican Party.
In the case of the Rays, at least they’ll get another shot next year. Dr. Paul, on the other hand, is stuck in a great big clogged up tube of crazy, and the exit is nowhere to be found.
And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles…
Jeff and Johanna kick the season off by trying to name every Jewish baseballer ever known to man before PodMaster Keith let’s The 8:08 (from harried Undercast fame) into the studio… from there on out the wheels come off in one great big ball of awesomeness that includes Dodger takeovers, Hawkisms galore, goofy games that may or may not include a sexual innuendo (or fifty) and much, much more… all to make you excite!
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Recorded Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Lot of surprises so far this season. Should anyone be panicking yet?
After the Rays and Red Sox picked up their first wins of the season on Friday night, I’m sure that both managers heaved a big sigh of relief. Of course when the Rays followed that up with news that Manny was retiring, I’m sure Joe Maddon dug right back into that Costco sized tub of Rolaids he must have been hitting the past ten days. So, I’m guessing that the Rays might be starting to panic.
But if there’s one guy who should truly be panicking at this point, it’s not Joe Maddon or anyone else on the Rays. It’s not Manny, it’s not Big Papi and it’s not any once, present or future Red Sox. No, if there’s one guy who should be panicking, it’s Laurent Gbagbo.
For those of you who aren’t quite sure who Mr. Gbagbo happens to be, let me give you a quick background. Mr. Gbagbo is a former Ivoirien freedom fighter who then went and got himself elected president of the Ivory Coast. However, he found Jesus while in office and after losing last year’s election, decided that Jesus wanted him to be the winner anyway. Since then he’s been trying to help Jesus out by killing people who voted against him. That hasn’t worked out too well, though, and now Mr. Gbagbo finds himself holed up in a bunker underneath his former residence while troops loyal to the president-elect slowly draw closer.
Understandably, Mr. Gbagbo should be panicking. Funny enough, though, he doesn’t seem to be sweating it at all.
Most likely there are a few reasons for that. Number one is that Ivory Coast is a basket case and rules don’t really seem to apply. Number two is that Mr. Gbagbo apparently has four months of supplies in his bunker and the troops protecting him have weaponry superior to that of the troops closing in. Number three is US Senator Jim Inhofe.
Uh, wait a minute. Jim Inhofe? That doesn’t make any sense. Why would he care about what happens in the Ivory Coast? Well, if you ask Mr. Inhofe, he’ll tell you it’s about Jesus.
See, the president-elect, Mr. Ouattara, comes from the northern part of the country, an area that is nominally Muslim, as is Mr. Ouattara. Mr. Gbagbo is from the southern, mainly Christian, part of the country and loves him some Jesus. Apparently where Mr. Inhofe comes from, this means that the election results shouldn’t matter and the US should recognize only the candidate who loves Jesus more.
Actually Marc, I think I’m going to change my answer at this point. Sure, maybe the Rays and Red Sox should be panicking a little. And maybe Gbagbo should as well. But the people who should really be panicking are all of us Americans. With leaders like Mr. Inhofe supporting despots like Mr. Gbagbo, we’re all screwed.
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On a team full of young guns, sometimes you wonder which one packs the most punch. David Price can mow ’em down and the rest of the Rays have been deadly efficient while playing in the toughest division in baseball. But if you have to pick one guy who completely embodies the firepower the Rays have shown, you’d have to go with Evan Longoria…..and his AK-47.
Ok, it’s actually no longer “his” AK-47 after its recent theft but still, there’s no denying that Longoria is packing. And lest the conspiracy theorists start ascribing nefarious meanings in hushed whispers, Longoria legally owned the weapon by all accounts. I guess the bigger question here is, why do Longoria and other sports stars feel the need to own weapons like this?
I get owning a hunting rifle. I own a hunting rifle. Growing up in Michigan, there’s a good reason for gun ownership, especially with the deer overpopulation problem. There’s a big difference, though, between owning a hunting rifle and purchasing a deer permit in Michigan than owning (and carrying) a handgun in New York or DC or keeping an assault rifle in your spring training house in Florida. I’m guessing it wasn’t there because he was planning on single-handedly eliminating the Florida python problem.
I’m not judging Longoria here. It’s quite possible he has a legitimate reason for owning an AK-47. I’m sure that the stress of playing up to a multi-million dollar contract wears on you and sometimes you just got to get your gun on to release a little bit of that tension. However, I am questioning his judgement. You’re in Florida. I’m sure there are half a dozen places within a short drive where you could go rent a gun, purchase some rounds and fire to your heart’s content. For instance, this place also offers air conditioning, a big plus in the Florida humidity, and I found it on the first page of my Google search.
Mr. Longoria, you’re a great baseball player with a wonderful future ahead of you. It would be nice to talk about that future instead of the theft of your assault rifle. So maybe let’s focus a little more on gunning down base runners than mowing down, uh, whatever it is you plan on mowing down with an AK-47. Ok?