You guys seem to have an opinion on most everything. So tell me, what
do you think about the Reds, the Rays and the oil spill in the Gulf of
Mexico? Any chance they’re related?
Us? Have an opinion? Ya don’t say! Shall we?
Subject: The Cincinnati Reds
Like oil spills, Republican victories and the birth of Mr. Krause, accidents do happen, people. Does a team led by a professional arm-killer who says “dude” way too often despite his old age have what it takes to stay in contention all year long? Probably. I mean, Dusty Baker has done it before. But just like before, this team too will eventually find a way to sink back down towards expectations. Let’s face it: the only reason the Reds are atop the Central Division right now is because the Cardinals are faltering… but they won’t for long.
Opinion: Overrated, destined to fail, not worth your time
Subject: The Tampa Bay Rays
Gee whiz! If ever there were a case for the evangelical loonies to get involved with Major League Baseball (not counting Josh “I love Jesus when he lets me do body shots” Hamilton) then this rise to the top for the Tampa Bay Rays is certainly it. Who knew that the only key to success for this once hapless franchise was to remove the word “devil” from their name? Any guesses for when the Yankees will try to follow suit by removing “New York” from theirs?
Opinion: Playoff Bound
Subject: BP Oil Spill
Like the Cincinnati Reds, Republican victories and the birth of Mr. Krause, accidents do happen, people. Oh… wait, did I already use that line? That must’ve been Johnnie Walker talking. Unfortunately, no amount of whisky will make this terrible accident and its disastrous effects go away anytime soon. Not since Chase Utley last removed his cap has the planet been exposed to such oil laden horrors; I expect clean-up efforts will require immense patience, determination and confidence… which, coincidentally, is also the recipe for surviving a summer in Philadelphia. Not everyone makes it out alive.
Opinion: This really sucks
Now… are they related you ask?
In as much as these events and situations are all taking place on the planet earth, in the month of May, two years before our imminent destruction predicted by the Mayans… yes, they are related.
Otherwise, I wouldn’t worry too much.
So don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
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I grew up in a very Christian house and I remember being tickled pink whenever one of my sports heroes would thank god after a big win. Every Lions fan knew that Barry Sanders and JC were tight. One of my earliest baseball memories is Frank Tanana on TV thanking the big guy for helping him win the game that clinched the division and got the Tigers into the 1987 ALCS with the Twins.
But I started to wonder a few years ago: How come god plays favorites like that? I mean, why did he help out Tanana that afternoon but then totally leave the Tigers hanging out to dry in the actual playoffs? Were the Twins fans just praying harder?
Finally I realized that it has nothing to do with god at all. If Dave Dravecky and Orel Hershiser, two incredibly (some might say fanatically) devout Christians, pitched against each other, god didn’t magically flip a coin and decide which one of his children would win and which would lose. Either they made their pitches and got run support or they lost.
I guess my point is that I’d like to see us get beyond all of this. Tim Tebow didn’t win a national championship for Florida because Jesus came down and guided his passes. He won because he spent hours on the field and in the weight room preparing for those games. I’m guessing Tanana did the same thing. In fact, if there’s anything that should make you wonder about the possibility of divine intervention, consider David Wells. How that man can launch that girth out of bed every morning, much less throw a perfect game, is the only evidence of miracles that I’ve ever seen.
Why anyone gifted enough to become a Major League Baseball player would ever give it all up to pursue a priesthood that follows an entity as tangible as the tooth fairy is certainly a question I cannot answer.
Perhaps Grant Desme can.
Because after a promising minor league career in the Oakland A’s organization, Desme got a call from God (I hope it wasn’t a collect call ‘cuz gee whiz the sky is way high up and way far away!) and now he’s leaving baseball all together… to become a priest.
Yeah. Okay. Have fun with that, dude.
If you can, Mr. Desme, please hurry up and learn all there is to learn about the church so you can answer the questions this guy can’t:
First of all, Tupac did know he was gonna die. He also knew he was gonna die young. He said it many times. And it’s on the internet.
Secondly, being a black man does not automatically make you an authority on Tupac. I am white; but I know more about Tupac than I do about myself. So eat it, pal.
And finally, if you have watched “all the videos on Tupac” you would know that Tupac prophesied his own, early, tragic death… that he and Jesus are in the same category (both saviors to many, both prolific speakers, both attained mythic status), only we have more proof that Tupac rose from the dead than we do Jesus.
Grant Desme, you have a lot of work ahead of you in setting the story straight. Good luck, and hopefully we will all meet up at that great “gangsta party” in the sky.
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
P.S. I really appreciate the idea of you all helping me find a woman to take out on a date. That is very kind of you; maybe I should help Allen find a boyfriend on the internet. It’s been a while since he’s dated a real nice guy, you know, so maybe I should help him out. I mean, that’s what friends are for.
By now everyone knows that the Office of the Commissioner of Major League Baseball will get a fresh face in 2012 (conveniently, that is the year we’re all gonna die anyway). But just in case those thousand year old destruction theories are not accurate, let us start to think about who might be able to save baseball from another passive, tyrannical reign after King Bud Selig has gone fishing. Because as my oft cantankerous colleague, Mr. Krause, points out, King Bud dropped the ball.
To me, there are only three viable candidates. They are presented here (above right). In bronze. I think.
Two of them are dead and one of them is forever young (albeit in 2-D).
Verily, they would all be adequate replacements at the top of the grandest game on earth.
– – –
Vladimir Ilyich Lenin
Bolshevik Leader, Marxist, Revolutionary, Head of State
What’s wrong, Matt Holliday? Five years guaranteed at $16 million ain’t enough? Fine then. Mr. Holliday, you’ll be making the same salary as Wilson Betemit… if Wilson even has a job. Luxury tax? There ain’t no luxury tax. Proposed salary cap? Yeah, propose this: everybody makes the same amount of money. No matter what. You don’t like it? Then die. Die. Just die!
– – –
Talking Rodent, Steamboat Captain, World Icon, Clubhouse Leader
Woo-hoo! Baseball! Woo-hoo! Baseball! Woo-hoo! Pine tar!
– – –
What shall it profit a man if he gains the homerun record but loses his soul to ‘roids? For everyone who refrains from untucking his shirt after winning a game (talkin’ to you, Brewers) himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted. I say, I’ve fed his sheep. Now I’ll tend to them, … tend to my sheep.
– – –
Tend… these… sheep. Somebody. King Bud didn’t do a great job at tending his sheep. Somebody. Somebody just tend these goddamn sheep!
And while you’re at it, don’t hate me.
‘Cuz I’m right.
(Top image courtesy of Transgressor)
Do you think there’s some 30 year-old alien living 100 million light years away writing on a series of tubes that his fellow aliens can read and do read because the alien planet’s first passion is their planetarian pastime, a game of rounders perhaps?
Happy BIG BANG Friday, Y’all!
(vid link from BuzzFeed)
Well, it seems that once again my erudite co-blogger and myself have found something on which we can agree. As right as the Tigers were to hold the line on the start of their Good Friday game, the Yankees and MLB are wrong in caving to the Yom Kippur lobby.
Now, I understand the concern. As I’ve mentioned before, I lived in NYC and that place is a ghost town on Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah. But moving up the start time so a few people can get their fast on? Sorry, no. Even in Saudi Arabia World Cup qualifiers are still taking place despite the fact that it’s smack dab in the middle of the fasting month of Ramadan. If the Saudis aren’t changing that up, maybe MLB should take note.
However, it’s nice that Mr. Lung and myself can agree on something. After all the hyperbolic excesses of the past couple weeks, I find it reassuring that there are still areas where we are sympatico.
But, since it is Labor Day and on this day of rest it is only natural that we should turn to questions of labor, I wonder what his thoughts are on the place of labor and collective bargaining in baseball today. I ask this because there is a law in the Federal government that even though employees may unionize, they do not have the right to strike. Should baseball consider setting up some sort of similar agreement? Since it is America’s past time, shouldn’t it be considered just as essential?
When the Catholic church complained about teams playing/opening their
season on Good Friday, you guys were all over it – “reminding” us all
of the separation of Church and State. So, will we also get a public
reminder of that over the New York Congressman writing to Uncle Bud
complaining about ESPN’s decision to move the Red Sox-Yankees game to
8pm on September 27th and the fact that it started after sundown on Yom
Kippur. MLB & ESPN caved and the game will be played at 1pm and
shown only on ESPN. Is one religious holiday more “holy” then another?
Where is the public outcry? Inquiring minds want to know your opinion.
Despite what they may tell you in church, or temple or mosque or whatever… the founding fathers of our great US American nation had a pretty good sense of how detrimental, confusing and manipulative the institution of the Church could be to the sanctity of the State. Of course, these men were no angels, but they did know enough to make it clear that the two entities should never intersect — one shouldn’t influence the other.
Unfortunately, even after hundreds of years, those pesky little zealots continue to infiltrate where they shouldn’t. They meddle in my schools. They lobby in my government. And now they are sticking their hypocritical hands into my national pastime.
And I don’t like it.
You see, dear readers, to be frank, I really don’t care if you are religious or not. If you choose to put all your faith in recycled fairy tales that is most definitely your choice, your right. I will not judge you because I don’t really care and I don’t claim to know the answer to any of those questions that religion supposedly answers either. I just know that it isn’t for me. But when it comes to your life, it’s your life and you should be allowed to live it however you want.
But in return for this congenial act of courtesy, I ask that religious folk kindly extend me the same respect. Don’t tell me I’m going to hell. Don’t tell me what I should believe. Don’t stick your nose in my bedroom. Don’t blow up my cities. Don’t tell my kids (speaking for the future) that they have to pray before algebra class. Stay out of my business and I’ll stay out of yours.
And that includes my game.
Just stay out of it. If a game is being played during your ‘holy’ day then don’t go to the game. And don’t complain about it. What’s so hard about that? I don’t complain when you want to say a prayer before dinner. I just let you do it and go about my business. Because I respect your decisions, your choices, your thoughts.
Doesn’t mean I have to believe them or practice them.
New York Congressman Anthony Weiner, the one responsible for sparking this childish debate, said:
religion shouldn’t conflict with rooting for your home team.”
Likewise, Congressman, your religion should not conflict with how I or a baseball team or television network goes about business. Isn’t religion all about sacrifice? Then sacrifice the game. Forget the game. Go do your thing and keep everyone else out of it.
The Tigers didn’t give in to the Catholics in April. They made the right choice.
ESPN and MLB shouldn’t have caved in to the Jewish faith on this matter either; because now they’re forcing me to live my life how they want me to live it… and I ain’t down with that.
King Bud screwed up again.
It’s sorta his m.o.
Hate me ‘cuz I don’t like religion forced down my throat, just don’t hate me ‘cuz — as a baseball fan and as a US American — I’m right.