The Cubs announced the first Wrigleyville Block Party will be held Friday to Sunday on the west side of the ballpark during the Yankees series. The event is free and features bands, food and drink booths and “interactive” entertainment for families.
Folks, let me be blunt. Unless clogged streets of drunken youths and bands of impatient motorists with horn-happy hands represent the ideal, outside of hosting an actual baseball game, there is very little family-friendly about Wrigleyville. Remember, this the same Wrigleyville where I was assaulted by a blabbering drunk because I was… *gasp*… wearing a pink shirt.
So, curious as to what sort of block party events the Cubs front office planned for the neighborhood, the RSBS interns were sent out on an important reconnaissance mission, and this is what they found:
Pin the Tail on Rats Big as Pigs
In this fun event, lucky participants are encouraged to hunt down Wrigley rats. What they catch, they can keep. Extra points are rewarded for doing it while talking in an exaggerated Ozzie Guillen accent (“rats as beeeg as peeegs”).
The Racist Frozen T-Shirt Game
Pay $10 and you can compete against your peers to see who can put the frozen “Horry Kow” t-shirt the fastest. If anti-Asian ain’t your style, try the “Pujols Mows My Lawn” tee! Fun for the whole family!
Annoying Fan Photo Op
Fork over $25 and you can choose to have your picture taken with world famous Cubs fans Rod Blagojevich, Denise Richards or… Ronnie Woo Woo! Then again, you can also take that $25 and burn it; it’s essentially the same thing.
The Drink Overpriced Horse P!ss Booth
At this funfest, you can drink $7 Old Styles until you a) get sick b) go broke or c) start rooting for the Cardinals!
And finally… the most exciting event of them all…
The Write a Bad Contract Raffle
Participants empty their bank accounts and hand everything over to Jim Hendry, who will then do what he does best: waste money on bad baseball players.
It’s a good thing the Yankees are in town, otherwise Wrigleyville would be a complete mess.
Hate me ‘cuz I kick ’em when they’re down, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Subject: Johanna Mahmud
Occupation: Trombonist, Rockstar, RSBS Writer/Collaborator
Last seen doing odd things to Bernie Brewer, Mr. Mahmud is rumored to be considering a legal separation from his beloved Cubbies. In fact, the Cubs faithful fear they may have lost one of their more ornery contemporaries to the luxuries of… not being a Cubs fan.
“Look at these people,” he said, staring at a sea of Brewers fans, “these people… they’re… happy.”
If you have any information as to the whereabouts of Mr. Mahmud, please inform RSBS officials, or, at the very least, kindly notify Ronnie Woo Woo, who desperately wants his sequined Sandberg Cubbie thong back.
Despite the simple fact that 90% of the entries on this highly contested blog are written by me, let me remind everyone that this is, in theory, a site authored by two different people. Many of you know that Allen Krause, my partner/opponent/evil-twin in this baseball debate, is the blue in Blue State, the tig in Tiger, the dumb in Dumber. We started Red State Blue State because we had a nasty habit of writing extremely wordy and often hateful diatribes back and forth to one another during the baseball season; so we thought: “hey, let’s make the awful things we say available to the public!”
So far so good… at least that’s how I feel because I have actually been writing posts and having a great time doing it. But I gotta tell ya, it’s not as fun pointing out how wrong someone is when that someone disappears for weeks at a time.
I know, I know… but Al works for the Government and he’s extremely busy saving U.S. Americans from the evils of the world so I can focus on more important things like finding out what exactly a gyro-ball is and whether or not I can find Erica Hill‘s address so I can see if she’s really that hot in person. Of course, I was giving Al the benefit of the doubt — until tonight.
You see, I was in my own perfect little world: American Idol was on the television, Cardinals/Rockies game was on one computer, live scoreboards/gametrackers/fantasy stats were on the other. Serene. It really was. Then, I got a text…
“Watching ur girl on american idol rite now”
What!?!? Allen has enough time to watch American Idol but he can’t write a post and respond to the fact that he’s not a real Tigers fan or that his MLB/NFL manager/coach comparison was blasphemous or that he’s just simply retarded?
Look, I love American Idol just as much as the next sensible, 29 year-old, heterosexual, extremely single male. But I also have priorities. I understand the fine art of scheduling. I make time for the things that are important in life: baseball, CNN, Mozart. Al hasn’t been blogging because he’s been out saving the world… he hasn’t been blogging because he’s been oogling my girlfriend! In fact, while I was watching Ramiele do her thang, I was also watching Lohse pitch five scoreless innings against the Rockies. It’s called multi-tasking. I’m a child of divorce. I’m great at it.
So I have no choice but to call Allen out — yet again — on his unacceptable behavior. Readers, I invite you to do the same. Maybe Al will be welcomed back with open arms…
…like… (*cue the cheesy segue)…
How about that! During the Opening Day festivities, one thing that really excited me was listening to Steve Stone’s debut on WSCR The Score’s broadcast of the Chicago White Sox. Finally, Chicago has brought him back for good as he signed a contract to do the color commentating for the Sox full time this year. This is great for Southsiders and anyone who enjoys listening to a game on the radio. Stoney is one of the most informative, uncensored, learned broadcasters in the game. And remember, I am, and always have been, a Cardinals fan. In fact, during my childhood, Stoney was the only redeeming quality of the entire Chicago Cubs organization. He isn’t afraid to say what he thinks — because he’s usually right — and he isn’t arrogant about it. That voice? It’s like buttuh.
And now he will be affiliated with a Chicago team that can actually call themselves winners. Welcome to the Southside, Stoney.
And Al, welcome to my s***list.
I just ask that you don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.