We all know people who are absolutely inscrutable. You study the face but you have no idea what’s going on behind the eyes, what gears are turning inside the head. It’s maddening.
That’s why I like Nancy Pelosi and John Boehner. There is absolutely no doubt what either one of them are thinking:
Pelosi – “Oh my god, I’m so happy I think I might cry!”
Boehner – “I will wait until they become tears of sorrow then lick the salt from your face.”
Maybe that’s why I like baseball as well. Guys get emotional and even when they’re wearing a game face like “Bulldog” Hershiser, it’s not hard to imagine what they’re thinking. Kind of like these guys:
Napoli – “C’mon, let’s get this guy…..oh my god, we’re all gonna die!”
Doumit – “Die? I don’t wanna die! Wait a minute, where are you going!?”
Oswalt – “Not gonna lie, my balls are tinglin’ a little.”
No inscrutability there.
And so in this Podcast brought to you by Lifestyles…
Jeff and Johanna break out the hot stove holiday eggnog (topped off with a couple gallons of that special Kentucky blend, of course) and discuss all things important to the baseball-politico world, including but not limited to: adult circumcision, the 1960 World Series, the Phillies’ impending rape of the National League, peeing on your hands a la Moises Alou to get a better grip and much, much more… all to make you forget with a smile the horrors of your latest office party!
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*Special thanks to our PodMaster Keith Carmack. You can experience Keith’s wicked podcast and subsequent film projects at Undercard Films. The man is talented, people. You don’t want to miss out, so go check it!
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Recorded Saturday, December 18, 2010
Give up yet?
Let’s see, there’s Maddux, Smoltz, Glavine, Avery and…
You betchya! Move over, Petey, ‘cuz Joe Blanton is about to take his seat on the ultimate bench of irrelevancy!!!
Indeed, as the shock from Ruben Amaro’s impressively aggressive move to recapture the services of Cliff Lee finally wears off, we are all bound to feel the wrath of that stellar Phillies rotation — a rotation that will make National League stomachs churn as violently as a half digested Taco Bell 7-layer burrito after an all-night college kegger where you went home with a chick named Mo.
And then there’s Joe Blanton.
Of course, this is assuming Blanton will even be a Philly once the 2011 season starts. If I were Ruben, I would do everything in my power to unload that salary, then it’d just be a matter of putting a body out on the mound every five days. If said body is able to pitch, that’s a plus. But really, four days out of five, the Phils are gonna be the hardest friggin’ team ON THE PLANET to beat.
Are you paying attention to all this Mr. Mozeliak?
Hate me. I don’t care. Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
If I’m a Californian, I’m not too excited about the two gubernatorial choices jockeying for my November vote. Jerry Brown? More like Jerry Boring. Meg Whitman? Uh… you invented eBay, Meg, not the actual internet (Al Gore did that), so don’t be so proud of yourself.
To be honest, I don’t think most Californians even know there’s an impending gubernatorial race going on. With so many distractions, like the Kardashians and Alex Smith and The Hills… when does one have time to care about politics?
You needn’t worry, California. Your man — though barely known just a few weeks ago — is Cody Ross.
After being fed to the waiver wire in August, Ross was reluctantly picked up by the Giants; his timely bat and quiet confidence has since turned into the bargain of the year.
He banged one out against Derek Lowe to break up a no-hitter in the NLDS.
He banged TWO out against Roy Halladay in Game One of the NLCS.
He banged ANOTHER out against Roy Oswalt in Game Two of the NLCS.
That’s a lot of friggin’ bangin’…
And for a state that’s known to bang, I think Cody Ross should get a shot.
Hate me ‘cuz I think outside the box (and occasionally use tired cliches), just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Isn’t Roy Oswalt just a poor man’s Cliff Lee? Like a really, really poor man?
Sure thing, Jake. One incredibly poor man. This trade might have made sense a few years ago when Oswalt was a dominant pitcher. But now it just makes me wonder what the Phillies are doing. I was more than a little surprised when they let Cliff Lee go but using Oswalt to fill that gap doesn’t make any more sense.
The other side of this question is what must it feel like to be Roy Oswalt and have these kind of expectations and questions put on you before you even finish cleaning out your locker? It’s great for a pitcher like him to go from the affectionately named LOLstros to the pennant holding Phillies but I’m just not sure that his addition makes their hopes of a third straight World Series appearance any more likely.
What do you do if you’re Roy Oswalt and the hopes of a city rest
on your shoulders? And not just any city but a place whose nickname,
“The City of Brotherly Love,” definitely does not extend to its sports
fans. Maybe they’ll give him a mulligan for the first game but that
kind of free pass gets used up pretty quickly.
If I’m Oswalt, I’m probably figuring out how I can bust my elbow in a
bar fight or whatever it takes to keep me away from those
crazy fans. However, in all of this chaos there is some good news for Roy. At least he shouldn’t have to worry about getting puked on.
So, yeah. Oswalt is a poor man’s Lee. He’s like Tom Joad fleeing the dustbowl. You might even use the word indigent. And starting your new team off with an 8 – 1 loss against the Nationals is probably not going to make those comparisons disappear any time soon.
Yeah, Roy, I don’t blame ya. You get no run support. Your team owner has laughable baseball sense. Ed Wade is but a slave to the errant desires of said laughable baseball sense. Yeah. I wouldn’t wanna be a LOLstro either. But if I were in your position, you sure wouldn’t hear me cryin’ about it.
Unlike Roy Halladay’s situation of a year ago, when he quietly went to his GM requesting a trade — a request that the Blue Jays inherently blew out of proportion and blabbed to the media thus causing a tailspin of rumors that hurt everyone involved — Roy Oswalt’s recent proclamation via his agent to the press is more than just a bit off-putting.
Look, I know I have the reputation of bein’ old school. I don’t like interleague. I don’t like the DH. I don’t like players wearing the long pants. And in this case, I don’t like prima donna pitchers placing themselves above all others (even if performance warrants some discretionary leeway).
On the sandlots of Quincy, IL, if you took your ball and went home, we didn’t give a sh!t. We just got a new ball. We didn’t have time for whining, complaining, crying. And if you tried to come back and cause problems, you might go home with a few less teeth… and no ball.
Do you think Bob Gibson would ever cry to the media about being on a losing team? Koufax? Seaver? Hell, even recent phenoms like Greg Maddux, Tom Glavine, Pedro Martinez. Those men were men. Okay. Your team isn’t playing well. It happens. Deal with it. You’re making millions of dollars playing the greatest game in the land, you’re the envy of every 30-something sitting behind a desk (me), and all you want to do is complain about it?
I understand that it sucks playing for a losing team… that being in an organization as backwards as the Astros have been the last few years must take a damaging toll on one’s psyche… but to b^tch and complain about it to the press rather than take it behind closed doors like a respectable ballplayer… that just rubs me the wrong way…. it even causes me to be lazy and use tired cliches (see this run-on sentence).
Take your ball and go home, Roy.
Unless you want to sign with the Cardinals, then, by all means, come on over, grab a jersey and let’s go. I’ll even give ya a hug!
Hate me ‘cuz I’m old-school, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
P.S. Rumor has it the Cubs have an eye on Oswalt… to bring him in and make him a set-up man.
Why bad things happen to good people, why Hanley Ramirez is a lollygagger, what happened to Nancy Pelosi’s original face… these are all concerning issues without concrete and true catalytic roots.
They simply cannot be explained.
And just like boats and planes and people that disappear within the Bermuda Triangle — scoffing at science, bending the rules of reason — so too are the circumstances of the National League Central Division and its teams as mysterious as they are unanswerable.
So let’s see if we can get this right:
The Pirates suck but they are able to beat the hell out of the Cubs.
The Cubs suck but they are able to beat the hell out of the Brewers.
The Brewers suck but they are able to beat the hell out of the Pirates.
The LOLstros may deal Oswalt and/or Berkman but no one is really watching or caring anyway.
The Cardinals are in second place.
And Dusty Baker hasn’t ruined anyone’s career yet as his Reds stand on top of the division.
I have a feeling this may be one of those FML moments. Of course, it is only May 18th, so it’s still way too early to start complaining like a Red Sox fan.
But seriously, folks, I really would like to know what happened to Nancy Pelosi’s original face…
Holla if you have any tips; in the meantime, don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.