Take it from them! Just take it!
Forget your fickle fossil fuel subsidies, your position on amnesty for illegals, your corporate bailouts! Forget them!
Who cares for your stupid little war on drugs, your ignorant stimulus spending, your silly stem cell debate? Who cares?!?!
If you want to win Super Tuesday, Mr. Politician, take off your shirt, ride a horse and go shoot a stinking tiger!
And if they try to stop you from winning? There is only one thing left to do.
– – –
Of course, the above method may not translate well to the 2012 baseball season. I have tried touting my team as the 2012 World Series Champions already. But it’s not working.
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
We won the Cold War. There’s no debating that. The Soviet Union split up, Germany was reunified and communism went the way of the Whigs and the Bull Moose. But sometimes it feels like we still lost. Like when you hear about Vladimir Putin’s new personal photographer:
Sure, Vlad isn’t a Soviet per se but it’s pretty safe to say that he has a lot more in common with Stalin than he does with FDR. Although maybe not quite so much. The point is, the Russians may have lost the war but they seem to be winning the battle.
It’s a little like the Red Sox and the Yankees. Sure, the Red Sox may have finally gotten by the Yankees to win that elusive World Series. They may have even succeeded in doing it again right afterwards. But they’re never going to catch the Yankees. The Yankees are the Evil Empire just like Vlad and his boys are the heirs to the Soviet version.
So, what can we do? How can we fight back against a Russia that just keeps coming back like some totalitarian Freddy Krueger? Well, I think the first step is obvious. Obama needs to get a better looking photographer:
The rest will work itself out from there.
wasn’t enough, every single division race is still up in the air. Is
it me or has the world gone crazy?
Well, Percy, I gotta admit: you sure lost me with the whole Russia and Pakistan thing. What is Pakistan anyway? Any relation to pachyderms? Or pachydermia? I think one of my sisters has pachydermia. Sores. Lots of ’em. I think…
I know that I’m a US American, man! Heck, nowadays, you can just label me as a plain, old ‘Merican. Stuff my face with apple pie, stick me in front of the tube to watch baseball, let me marry three chicks at the same time and let’s make a damn reality show out of this highfalutin awesomeness!
Has the world gone crazy?
The world has been crazy for as long as I can remember, and it just keeps getting crazier. I mean, we live in a world where aggressive foreign policies are based on bronze age fairy-tales — a world where Kyle Farnsworth always has a job — a world where the Texas Rangers are running away with the AL Western Division title!
Of course, the world has gone crazy, Percy! Of course! Look around!
We live in a world where technocracy trumps physicality — a world where Elisabeth Hasselbeck is seen as an authority on social issues — a world where I can have 600 “friends”… without ever leaving my apartment… EVER!
Crazy?!?! More like frightening, Percy! Frightening!
Ya see, if I could have it my way I’d live on a self-serving farm, surrounded by nothing, accompanied by a sole transistor radio beaming exciting play-by-plays of men laboring in wool uniforms hundreds of miles away while I sip away on barrels of whisky.
Yeah. I think I could get by on that.
But this is 2010, Percy. And 2010 has iPods and Blagojevich and MLB.TV and Glenn Beck and Facebooks and Lady Gaga and Twitters and… and… whaddya call it? Pakistans?
Yes, the world has Pakistans.
And Pakistans are crazy.
Hate me ‘cuz I ain’t down with holy wars, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
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