Amidst the Pujolsian panic terrorizing the otherwise somber pre-spring training minds of baseball fanatics worldwide, we at RSBS nearly lost sight of an extremely exciting development inside the raucous Tea Party movement. That’s right, folks! The Tea Party is publishing their very own magazine!
And don’t worry, dear readers… as you have come to expect, we are a step ahead. In fact, our loyal RSBS interns have already managed to infiltrate the teabagging ranks to bring us a sneak peak at some of the headlines from the inaugural issue!
How to Incite Armageddon So We Can All Go Back to Sitting on Jesus’ Lap In Heaven
By Mark Williams
Monkey god, go home! You can’t put a mosque next to or around the corner from a US American institution like McDonald’s! That’s against God’s plan, to make everyone fat and die so they can go be with him again…
The Whosie-Whats-Its of Duping America
By Sarah Palin
Some people call it smoke and mirrors, I call it using catchphrases that hockey moms will be able to repeat after their husbands have beaten them for the night. A bridge to nowhere… lamestream media… road to ruin… See! If I can do it, anyone can, even Republicans…
How to Use the Term “Teabagging” to Your Advantage
By Pat McGroin, Kraven Moorehead & Howie Feltersnatche
First of all, work “teabagging” into your everyday lexicon. If we all teabag the way we should and are devout in our teabagging, the phrase will simply lose its funny connotation, especially if you’re teabagging your mother who might be teabagging your neighbor who might teabagging himself…
And finally, the feature article…
An Introduction to Hate: The N-Word, The F-Word and All Around Bigotry
By Dale Robertson
If it’s different than you, if it don’t look like you, if you don’t like it ‘cuz it ain’t you… hate it! That’s all ya gotta do. Holler at it and bark at it and scream at it and gobdabbit just hate it hate it hate it…
– – –
Not sure what the cover price is going to be, but I am sure that it won’t ever be forked over from my wallet.
Hate me ‘cuz Dale Robertson says to, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Although we tend to compare baseball and politics here and find the areas where they intersect, the truth of the matter is that sometimes it doesn’t work. Baseball box scores tell stories and those stories are comprised of facts. Either a guy gets on base or he doesn’t. Either a team wins a game or it doesn’t. It’s hard to revise baseball history, at least when it comes to the games and the records.
Politics is another matter. Not only can history be revised, it happens regularly. Abraham Lincoln came close to losing his party’s nomination for a second term but is now regarded as one of our greatest Presidents. George H. W. Bush lost a second term because of the economy but his foreign policy now seems eerily prescient. In fact, I even think there’s a good chance that down the road Iraq will once again become a stable, functional country and W will be somewhat vindicated for his actions.
But there’s one thing I have a really hard time believing. I really don’t see how it’s possible that Sarah Palin could ever be considered a legitimate leader. Sure, in an era of anti-elitism, she’s a rockstar. But I like my leaders to be a little elite. Why would I follow one of my peers? I want someone who knows more than me but I also want someone who considers their options and makes an informed decision. Based on what we’ve learned previously and seen over the past week, Ms. Palin fits neither bill.
Even if the midterms signal the start of the campaign 2012 is still a ways away. A lot can happen in that amount of time. Between now and then, I’d love to see Ms. Palin simply fade away. The country has real problems and we need real leaders with real solutions to address them. But if this is too much to ask for, maybe I’ll just wish that the Lions could win a road game in that amount of time. Or maybe we could just retroactively decide that the Tigers won the ’06 Series. Revisionist baseball. Think about it.
One media-savvy New York minute prepped skipper to go.
And as long as Davey Johnson refuses to come out of retirement and lead the Mets back to respectability, it looks like new GM Alderson and company are gonna have a pretty big decision to make in the very near future. But like always, RSBS is here to help! In fact, we would like to see Mets fans smile every now and then, so we got the interns busy and boy did they come up with some mighty smart suggestions!
He’s a New Yorker. He’s got a lisp (which indicates ability to persevere… and succeed?). He hates smut and could really clean up the place (talkin’ about you, Ollie Perez, you waste of oxygen).
Then again, Rudy is a Yankees fan. So he’s probably a real a$$h0le.
Why not? The world’s greatest all-time distance runner just retired… while in New York! If anyone can endure such pain, such suffering, such mental anguish… oh, wait, he didn’t finish the New York Marathon? See! That’s why he’s perfect! He’ll fit right in with the Metropolitans and their penchant for pre-finish line collapses!
Remember that black cat that ran across the field during the opening night at Citi Field? Uh…. yeah. That was no accident, folks. That was the work of a witch. A non-masturbating, adamant teabagging, scary spell spewing witch. Holla!!!
Dude! Conan RULED New York back in the day… remember? Then he got the big show, moved to L.A. and got canned a few months in. Sounds a lot like Darryl Strawberry, doesn’t it? Yep. The connections are too great to ignore. So don’t.
I know he’s being interviewed for the job… and I know he’s sort of a lame duck skipper… but the man is ORANGE!!! Move over, Mr. Met, Clint and his biohazzard-proof skin are ’bout to back that a$s up right into yo clubhouse!
Hate me ‘cuz it’s Tuesday, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Because while we congratulate the San Francisco Giants and crown them as World Champions of Baseball, your country remains in dire need of your attention, your intelligence, your action!
While I have long subscribed to the “when in doubt, go left” theory of politics, I realize that now — during a time when most people seem to be more angry, more cynical, more in doubt about any and everything than ever before — that such a theory may seem just as blind and just as stupid as the uninformed bible-bearin’ masses who inject fear and hate and intolerance into every single conversation.
But don’t be fooled.
The Tea Party might be the scariest thing on the planet since… since Sarah Palin came within six percentage points of being that proverbial heartbeat away from the most powerful position in the world.
We just barely avoided that catastrophe. Let’s not get that close again.
So go out. Do your duty. Be that baseball and apple pie lovin’ US American…
Just see to it that ya do the right thing.
Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
(second image via 9GAG)
Yes, dear readers, I know that we still have at least 15 more months before Mayan legend is set to destroy the universe, but I’m afraid ruination and chaos might already be here, making 2012 moot.
Don’t believe me?
O’Donnell strategy: time’s limited;use it 2 connect w/local voters whom
you’ll be serving vs appeasing nat’l media seeking ur destruction
Yes, Christine! Seeking… your… destruction! Bwahhhhhhhhhh! Me want freedom to touch myself! Me want witchcraft-free Delaware! Me want answer to Teabagging claim of fiscal responsibility despite inability to pay back your college loans! Bwahhhhhh! How dare we demand such clarity! Bwahhhhhh!
Gotta be a sign of the apocalypse.
If not that, then how about the colossal union of two universally disliked MLB wormbags? That’s right, folks. Jayson Werth (and his beard) have teamed up with Scott Boras to form the sort of free agent chimera that will have everyone talking more zeroes ad nauseum this winter. Look, I get it. Dude wants to get paid. No problem with that. But for someone whom the public has already deemed a megafortified jerk, it seems like hiring the sleaziest of the bunch to fetch that money might not have been the best public relations move. Oh, and it also means he won’t be an Angel next season.
The Angels handcuffed into quelling big time free-agent magic? Gotta be a sign of the apocalypse.
Of course, nothing can predict the end of the world is near better than our US American justice system playing host to a caffeine insanity defense, in a murder trial! Sorry, your honor. Two Jolt colas and a bottle of Ride-the-Snake diet pills and I just couldn’t STOP MYSELF FROM MURDERING MY ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD!
It is no secret that I am a caffeine addled man myself. But I would never use that as an excuse to kill someone. Insult my going-nowhere Redbirds and maybe we can talk creative defense strategies, but to blame it on caffeine?
There’s no other explanation, folks. It’s gotta be another sign.
So go ahead and hate me ‘cuz time’s runnin’ out. Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Okay, which race do you think is the most exciting? The NL West or the open senatorial seat in Delaware?
Burr Ridge, IL
Exciting isn’t the word I’d use here, Mitch. The fact that the NL West is still so wide open merely reflects the drama inherent in baseball. And of course the Rockies are right in the middle of it. Do you remember their run to the World Series back in 2007? That one game playoff with the Padres? The NL West is all drama and it often involves the Rockies.
The Delaware race, on the other hand, is just frightening. How is it possible that a person like Christine O’Donnell finds herself in this position? Here’s the thing. When even a conservative stalwart like William Kristol thinks that you don’t belong, that doesn’t bode well for your bona fides.
Let’s look at the facts. Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up. She thinks masturbation is adultery. This is bad news for the 99% of men who partake in a little self love as well as the remaining 1% who simply lie about it. She dabbled in witchcraft. Witchcraft!
And as if that wasn’t enough, she only received her college degree this summer at the age of 40. This isn’t the story of woman who went back to get her diploma, though. No, the reason why she just got it now? She never got around to paying off her college tuition. This seems more than a little ironic from a Tea Party candidate who claims the mantle of “fiscal responsibility.”
The biggest difference between the NL West and Delaware, though, is that the baseball race is being fought by professionals but the political contest is straight up amateur hour. Why else would O’Donnell agree to go on a couple Sunday morning news shows and then pull out at the last minute? Look, I get it. She doesn’t want to pull a Palin and accidentally mention how she never reads a newspaper or that she can see Bermuda from her doorstep. But you’re running for the Senate! This is not a game. The laws passed in the Senate affect our lives for years.
So Mitch, I’ll be watching both races. And my money is on the heart-attack kids from Colorado. I just hope that any bets on the Delaware race are based on whether O’Donnell loses by more or less than twenty points.
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Special days historically fall prey to those who use them for their own gain. Like when god decided to send Jesus to earth on Christmas and then have him die on Easter. Seriously, you’re god and that’s the best you could do?
It’s no different now. From simple and relatively justified things like MLB putting players in pink for Breast Cancer awareness or having everyone wear number 42 to commemorate Jackie Robinson to things that don’t quite feel right like Glenn Beck marching on the National Mall and claiming the mantle of MLK on the anniversary of the “I have a Dream” speech, these days give both demagogues and dissenters context for their issues.
Sadly, most of the time it’s the demagogues who get the coverage. I have spent a bit of time in Muslim countries and most of the people I have met are nice people who want to make a living and provide for their families. Yes, they’re serious about their religion but they don’t use it as an excuse for violence.
So what’s the point in getting them riled up by staging a Quran burning? I know the event has been canceled and I know that the pastor of a small church in Florida does not deserve as much coverage as he has been given. But when David Petraeus, Sarah Palin, Barack Obama and the Southern Baptist convention all agree that what you’re doing is a bad idea, maybe it’s time to stop and rethink.
As odious as the planned act may be, even worse is the day on which it falls. Sometimes a Saturday
is more than just a Saturday. Like when it’s September 11th. Using a day like today that should be reserved for contemplation and mourning as a vehicle for the same kind of bilious beliefs that fueled the hijackers nine years ago means we all lose.
I preferred it when September 11th had no meaning, when it wasn’t a special day. But that is no longer possible. So maybe it’s time that people stop grandstanding and allow this day to have one simple message. Hate kills. That goes for Terry Jones, Glenn Beck and Michael Moore just as much as it does for Bin Laden.
For me, the biggest difference between being 21 years old and 31 years old, is that at 31 years old I realize I don’t know everything there is to know about the world… most things, yes. Everything? Not a chance.
So that’s why I get so giggly when I learn something new. Always be learning… that’s my motto. And believe me, folks, last week was full of virgin information.
The Pirates Have Run Out of Future Stars to Trade Away
Yeah, yeah, you can make a strong case for Andrew McCutchen being that guy, but the Pirates have long said he’s a keeper. I’m talkin’ about the Aramis Ramirezes… the Nate McClouths… the Freddy Sanchezes. Okay, maybe not the Freddy Sanchezes. But you get what I’m sayin’.
Sarah Palin Thinks She Knows What Having “Cojones” Is All About
I can tell ya this much: those with cojones don’t quit their jobs as governor mid-term. And they never use the phrase “hopey-changey”. And they tend to not make up words, then compare themselves to Shakespeare. Believe that.
The Yankees Have a Death Wish
How else does one explain their trading for Kerry Wood? Look, I know Joba’s been bad and all… but Kerry Wood? Seriously? The Boss is rolling over, y’all.
A Chelsea Clinton Wedding Does Not A Camelot Make
Look, I know Bill Clinton is cool and all. Hell, some might even say he’s… sexy. But at the same time, no one would ever use the word ‘sexy’ to describe Hillary. And Chelsea? Exactly. Let’s just agree that this whole Clinton shindig was more proof that what US America really longs for is ultimate regression: give us back our king; make us slaves to royal inbreeds; let the pope wreck the world with his medieval wordview. I, frankly, will not be a part of it. I will finish my spaceship and move to Betelgeuse, where I belong. But I’m taking my collection of scorecards with me.
And, of course… I also learned that…
It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye… To Ryan Ludwick
Admittedly, Luddy ain’t no Albert. He ain’t no Yadi. He ain’t no Waino. But he is Luddy… and over the last few years we’ve really learned to appreciate his bat, his patience, his gamesmanship. And we’re gonna miss that. Ludwick has always been one of those quiet warriors — a stoic gamer who never shies from giving his best effort, even when that means playing through pain. But the Cardinals needed pitching. And with the outfield logjam set up by the excellent play of John Jay, there wasn’t room for Ludwick anyway. The Padres are gettin’ a boost. We’re gettin’ the arm we need. And everyone ought to be happy (except for the Indians who currently reside in baseball hell).
We’re gonna miss ya, Ryan.
Don’t hate me.
‘Cuz I’m right.
(Special thanks to C for the top photo)
I try to watch Jon Stewart as much as possible since he seems to be the only person who realizes how bat-sh!t crazy Michele Bachmann truly is. She’s like Sarah Palin with less brains and less media savvy. Yeah, scary.
But I also like Stewart because he does a great job of getting his comic friends to drop by and ostensibly promote the shows they’re working on. For instance, Denis Leary is a regular guest and just the other week I saw both Chris Rock and Adam Sandler on the show together. It’s a good thing when you can count guys like that among your friends and when they actually return your phone calls. Yeah, Jeff. I’m talking to you. Ever answer your phone there big guy?
Sorry. Back to the point. The thing of it is, though, that Stewart and his guests rarely talk about the show or movie they’ve stopped by to promote. They make an attempt but then it goes out the window and it’s more like watching a conversation between two old friends and you were lucky enough to be there. Like a recent episode when Louis C. K. stopped by to talk about his new show. They showed a clip, it was funny but then most of the conversation was about other random stuff.
But when I finally saw a little bit more about Louis’ show, I realized that I may have missed out on something spectacular. See if you catch it at the end of this clip………
……..Yeah, Jamie Moyer! Dishing up the homerun like it’s going out of style. Sadly, I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t have the same effect if I tried it.
In baseball, if it’s a joke you want, it’s the Pittsburgh Pirates you get. No question.
In US American politics… Sarah Palin.
Television? The Office‘s “that’s what she said” bit.
And now, for your viewing pleasure, two of those three… put together:
Hate me ‘cuz I know magic, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.