Last week was a rough week for the Republican presidential contenders. Or maybe I should say “contenders.” Both Gingrich and Palin suffered setbacks but this seems to have become the norm for these two. Gingrich had already started off his campaign with his foot in his mouth, talking off the cuff about Paul Ryan’s budget plan. And Palin had watched her ratings tank after an inventive retelling of Paul Revere’s ride.
But this past week took them to new lows. Gingrich disappeared to Greece after his initial gaffe but was forced to resurface when most of his senior campaign staff resigned on Thursday. I don’t know how closely you follow politics but it’s very difficult to run a campaign when all of your top advisers quit.
I’m sure it’s hard not to take it personally when your closest aides leave your campaign but you can at least try to chalk it up to a business decision. Palin didn’t have quite that luxury when Margaret Thatcher’s staff not only refused Palin’s attempt to visit the former Prime Minister but also said “Lady Thatcher will not be seeing Sarah Palin. That would be belittling for Margaret. Sarah Palin is nuts.”
So yeah, you could say it’s been a rough week for the Republicans. Although you could probably also argue that it has been a great week for candidates like Mitt Romney and John Huntsman who can continue campaigning in quiet while their opposition self-destructs. Slow and steady often wins the race. Just ask last year’s World Series champions.
On the left wing, a grand jury formally indicted John Edwards for illegal campaign contributions among other things. Now, if you have somehow forgotten, this is all connected to the child that Edwards fathered while cheating on his cancer victim wife. As bad as that may be on a moral level, on an intelligence level it went even lower because he continued to run for the nomination during all of this somehow believing that no one would ever find out. I’m not sure if that counts as hubris or just plain, old-fashioned stupidity.
Luckily, the right wing continues to support gaffe-making machine and friend-of-mediocrity-everywhere, Sarah Palin, in what we can only hope is a Steven Colbert inspired humorous campaign for the presidency. Let’s roll the tape:
Seriously? I’m pretty sure that “The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere” is de rigueur for all schoolchildren. On the bright side, Palin’s newest adventure in creatively reinventing history allowed for this quip from Politico’s Ben Smith: “Palin makes Bachmann look like Longfellow.”
I’m sure there’s plenty more to come from both sides since we’re only a week into June of 2011 and the elections don’t take place until the end of 2012. It’s also safe to assume that we’ll be bringing it all your way, occasionally with a little baseball flavor.
Sunday’s second Albert Pujols walk-off dinger against the Cubs in as many days should’ve ignited an in-your-face happy dance of epic proportions. In fact, in my house, it did.
But, when I raced to rub sweet victory in the faces of my Cubs fan friends, most of them could not be reached (they weren’t watching the game) and those who were, simply didn’t care.
It’s only been a few years since the Cubs fielded a decent squad, and as a Cards fan I remember very well the aches and pains of those 2007 and 2008 seasons; but for Cubs fans, I might as well be remembering 1969.
Dear readers, this is not your Yankees/Red Sox rivalry.
And while I love it that we rest high above the Cubbies in the standings, I don’t love that our rivalry has suffered because of it. Gone is the fire, dead is the ribbing. Cubs fans — those who remain — are either fiscally responsible realists staying home, far away from the hoopla, or they’re drunken DePaul freshman who use baseball games as an icebreaker to what will become a long evening of poor decisions.
I almost feel bad about making fun of the Cubs… in the same way that I sometimes feel bad for making fun of Sarah Palin.
It’s not nice to make fun of those who have disabilities.
Hate me, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Amidst the Pujolsian panic terrorizing the otherwise somber pre-spring training minds of baseball fanatics worldwide, we at RSBS nearly lost sight of an extremely exciting development inside the raucous Tea Party movement. That’s right, folks! The Tea Party is publishing their very own magazine!
And don’t worry, dear readers… as you have come to expect, we are a step ahead. In fact, our loyal RSBS interns have already managed to infiltrate the teabagging ranks to bring us a sneak peak at some of the headlines from the inaugural issue!
How to Incite Armageddon So We Can All Go Back to Sitting on Jesus’ Lap In Heaven
By Mark Williams
Monkey god, go home! You can’t put a mosque next to or around the corner from a US American institution like McDonald’s! That’s against God’s plan, to make everyone fat and die so they can go be with him again…
The Whosie-Whats-Its of Duping America
By Sarah Palin
Some people call it smoke and mirrors, I call it using catchphrases that hockey moms will be able to repeat after their husbands have beaten them for the night. A bridge to nowhere… lamestream media… road to ruin… See! If I can do it, anyone can, even Republicans…
How to Use the Term “Teabagging” to Your Advantage
By Pat McGroin, Kraven Moorehead & Howie Feltersnatche
First of all, work “teabagging” into your everyday lexicon. If we all teabag the way we should and are devout in our teabagging, the phrase will simply lose its funny connotation, especially if you’re teabagging your mother who might be teabagging your neighbor who might teabagging himself…
And finally, the feature article…
An Introduction to Hate: The N-Word, The F-Word and All Around Bigotry
By Dale Robertson
If it’s different than you, if it don’t look like you, if you don’t like it ‘cuz it ain’t you… hate it! That’s all ya gotta do. Holler at it and bark at it and scream at it and gobdabbit just hate it hate it hate it…
– – –
Not sure what the cover price is going to be, but I am sure that it won’t ever be forked over from my wallet.
Hate me ‘cuz Dale Robertson says to, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Although we tend to compare baseball and politics here and find the areas where they intersect, the truth of the matter is that sometimes it doesn’t work. Baseball box scores tell stories and those stories are comprised of facts. Either a guy gets on base or he doesn’t. Either a team wins a game or it doesn’t. It’s hard to revise baseball history, at least when it comes to the games and the records.
Politics is another matter. Not only can history be revised, it happens regularly. Abraham Lincoln came close to losing his party’s nomination for a second term but is now regarded as one of our greatest Presidents. George H. W. Bush lost a second term because of the economy but his foreign policy now seems eerily prescient. In fact, I even think there’s a good chance that down the road Iraq will once again become a stable, functional country and W will be somewhat vindicated for his actions.
But there’s one thing I have a really hard time believing. I really don’t see how it’s possible that Sarah Palin could ever be considered a legitimate leader. Sure, in an era of anti-elitism, she’s a rockstar. But I like my leaders to be a little elite. Why would I follow one of my peers? I want someone who knows more than me but I also want someone who considers their options and makes an informed decision. Based on what we’ve learned previously and seen over the past week, Ms. Palin fits neither bill.
Even if the midterms signal the start of the campaign 2012 is still a ways away. A lot can happen in that amount of time. Between now and then, I’d love to see Ms. Palin simply fade away. The country has real problems and we need real leaders with real solutions to address them. But if this is too much to ask for, maybe I’ll just wish that the Lions could win a road game in that amount of time. Or maybe we could just retroactively decide that the Tigers won the ’06 Series. Revisionist baseball. Think about it.
One media-savvy New York minute prepped skipper to go.
And as long as Davey Johnson refuses to come out of retirement and lead the Mets back to respectability, it looks like new GM Alderson and company are gonna have a pretty big decision to make in the very near future. But like always, RSBS is here to help! In fact, we would like to see Mets fans smile every now and then, so we got the interns busy and boy did they come up with some mighty smart suggestions!
He’s a New Yorker. He’s got a lisp (which indicates ability to persevere… and succeed?). He hates smut and could really clean up the place (talkin’ about you, Ollie Perez, you waste of oxygen).
Then again, Rudy is a Yankees fan. So he’s probably a real a$$h0le.
Why not? The world’s greatest all-time distance runner just retired… while in New York! If anyone can endure such pain, such suffering, such mental anguish… oh, wait, he didn’t finish the New York Marathon? See! That’s why he’s perfect! He’ll fit right in with the Metropolitans and their penchant for pre-finish line collapses!
Remember that black cat that ran across the field during the opening night at Citi Field? Uh…. yeah. That was no accident, folks. That was the work of a witch. A non-masturbating, adamant teabagging, scary spell spewing witch. Holla!!!
Dude! Conan RULED New York back in the day… remember? Then he got the big show, moved to L.A. and got canned a few months in. Sounds a lot like Darryl Strawberry, doesn’t it? Yep. The connections are too great to ignore. So don’t.
I know he’s being interviewed for the job… and I know he’s sort of a lame duck skipper… but the man is ORANGE!!! Move over, Mr. Met, Clint and his biohazzard-proof skin are ’bout to back that a$s up right into yo clubhouse!
Hate me ‘cuz it’s Tuesday, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Because while we congratulate the San Francisco Giants and crown them as World Champions of Baseball, your country remains in dire need of your attention, your intelligence, your action!
While I have long subscribed to the “when in doubt, go left” theory of politics, I realize that now — during a time when most people seem to be more angry, more cynical, more in doubt about any and everything than ever before — that such a theory may seem just as blind and just as stupid as the uninformed bible-bearin’ masses who inject fear and hate and intolerance into every single conversation.
But don’t be fooled.
The Tea Party might be the scariest thing on the planet since… since Sarah Palin came within six percentage points of being that proverbial heartbeat away from the most powerful position in the world.
We just barely avoided that catastrophe. Let’s not get that close again.
So go out. Do your duty. Be that baseball and apple pie lovin’ US American…
Just see to it that ya do the right thing.
Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
(second image via 9GAG)