Tagged: Sarah Palin

Apocalypse Yesterday

2012 apocalypse.jpg

Yes, dear readers, I know that we still have at least 15 more months before Mayan legend is set to destroy the universe, but I’m afraid ruination and chaos might already be here, making 2012 moot.

Don’t believe me?

Well, you know Sarah Palin is on Twitter, right?  Not only that, but she’s also doling out advice to overnight Teabagger sensation, Christine O’Donnell:

C.
O’Donnell strategy: time’s limited;use it 2 connect w/local voters whom
you’ll be serving vs appeasing nat’l media seeking ur destruction


Yes, Christine!  Seeking… your… destruction!  Bwahhhhhhhhhh!  Me want freedom to touch myself!  Me want witchcraft-free Delaware!  Me want answer to Teabagging claim of fiscal responsibility despite inability to pay back your college loans!  Bwahhhhhh!  How dare we demand such clarity!  Bwahhhhhh! 

Gotta be a sign of the apocalypse.


werth_hyena.jpg

If not that, then how about the colossal union of two universally disliked MLB wormbags?  That’s right, folks.  Jayson Werth (and his beard) have teamed up with Scott Boras to form the sort of free agent chimera that will have everyone talking more zeroes ad nauseum this winter.  Look, I get it.  Dude wants to get paid.  No problem with that.  But for someone whom the public has already deemed a megafortified jerk, it seems like hiring the sleaziest of the bunch to fetch that money might not have been the best public relations move.  Oh, and it also means he won’t be an Angel next season. 

The Angels handcuffed into quelling big time free-agent magic?  Gotta be a sign of the apocalypse.

Of course, nothing can predict the end of the world is near better than our US American justice system playing host to a caffeine insanity defense, in a murder trial!  Sorry, your honor.  Two Jolt colas and a bottle of Ride-the-Snake diet pills and I just couldn’t STOP MYSELF FROM MURDERING MY ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD!

Um… okay.

It is no secret that I am a caffeine addled man myself.  But I would never use that as an excuse to kill someone.  Insult my going-nowhere Redbirds and maybe we can talk creative defense strategies, but to blame it on caffeine?

There’s no other explanation, folks.  It’s gotta be another sign.

So go ahead and hate me ‘cuz time’s runnin’ out.  Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

The Filibuster

Okay, which race do you think is the most exciting? The NL West or the open senatorial seat in Delaware?

Mitch
Burr Ridge, IL

_______________________________

christine odonnell.jpg

Exciting isn’t the word I’d use here, Mitch.  The fact that the NL West is still so wide open merely reflects the drama inherent in baseball.  And of course the Rockies are right in the middle of it.  Do you remember their run to the World Series back in 2007?  That one game playoff with the Padres?  The NL West is all drama and it often involves the Rockies.

The Delaware race, on the other hand, is just frightening.  How is it possible that a person like Christine O’Donnell finds herself in this position?  Here’s the thing.  When even a conservative stalwart like William Kristol thinks that you don’t belong, that doesn’t bode well for your bona fides. 

Let’s look at the facts.  Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up.  She thinks masturbation is adultery.  This is bad news for the 99% of men who partake in a little self love as well as the remaining 1% who simply lie about it.  She dabbled in witchcraft.  Witchcraft! 

And as if that wasn’t enough, she only received her college degree this summer at the age of 40.  This isn’t the story of woman who went back to get her diploma, though.  No, the reason why she just got it now?  She never got around to paying off her college tuition.  This seems more than a little ironic from a Tea Party candidate who claims the mantle of “fiscal responsibility.”

The biggest difference between the NL West and Delaware, though, is that the baseball race is being fought by professionals but the political contest is straight up amateur hour.  Why else would O’Donnell agree to go on a couple Sunday morning news shows and then pull out at the last minute?  Look, I get it.  She doesn’t want to pull a Palin and accidentally mention how she never reads a newspaper or that she can see Bermuda from her doorstep.  But you’re running for the Senate!  This is not a game.  The laws passed in the Senate affect our lives for years.

So Mitch, I’ll be watching both races.  And my money is on the heart-attack kids from Colorado.  I just hope that any bets on the Delaware race are based on whether O’Donnell loses by more or less than twenty points.

-A

***SEND US YOUR FILIBUSTERS****

Something on your mind?  Want to see Jeff and Al sweat (separately, not together, eww)?  Think you got a real stumper?  Send us your Filibuster question(s) by commenting or emailing them to us at kraulung@gmail.com. 

***Pics of Jeff’s secret make-out sessions with his Troy Tulowitzki bobble-head also welcome.

We All Lose

terry_jones.jpg

Special days historically fall prey to those who use them for their own gain.  Like when god decided to send Jesus to earth on Christmas and then have him die on Easter.  Seriously, you’re god and that’s the best you could do?

It’s no different now.  From simple and relatively justified things like MLB putting players in pink for Breast Cancer awareness or having everyone wear number 42 to commemorate Jackie Robinson to things that don’t quite feel right like Glenn Beck marching on the National Mall and claiming the mantle of MLK on the anniversary of the “I have a Dream” speech, these days give both demagogues and dissenters context for their issues.

Sadly, most of the time it’s the demagogues who get the coverage.  I have spent a bit of time in Muslim countries and most of the people I have met are nice people who want to make a living and provide for their families.  Yes, they’re serious about their religion but they don’t use it as an excuse for violence. 

So what’s the point in getting them riled up by staging a Quran burning?  I know the event has been canceled and I know that the pastor of a small church in Florida does not deserve as much coverage as he has been given.  But when David Petraeus, Sarah Palin, Barack Obama and the Southern Baptist convention all agree that what you’re doing is a bad idea, maybe it’s time to stop and rethink.

As odious as the planned act may be, even worse is the day on which it falls.  Sometimes a Saturday
is more than just a Saturday.  Like when it’s September 11th.  Using a day like today that should be reserved for contemplation and mourning as a vehicle for the same kind of bilious beliefs that fueled the hijackers nine years ago means we all lose.

I preferred it when September 11th had no meaning, when it wasn’t a special day.  But that is no longer possible.  So maybe it’s time that people stop grandstanding and allow this day to have one simple message.  Hate kills.  That goes for Terry Jones, Glenn Beck and Michael Moore just as much as it does for Bin Laden.

-A

Things I Learned Last Week

jeff keeping score at wrigley.jpgFor me, the biggest difference between being 21 years old and 31 years old, is that at 31 years old I realize I don’t know everything there is to know about the world… most things, yes.  Everything?  Not a chance.

So that’s why I get so giggly when I learn something new.  Always be learning… that’s my motto.  And believe me, folks, last week was full of virgin information. 

For example:

The Pirates Have Run Out of Future Stars to Trade Away
Yeah, yeah, you can make a strong case for Andrew McCutchen being that guy, but the Pirates have long said he’s a keeper.  I’m talkin’ about the Aramis Ramirezes… the Nate McClouths… the Freddy Sanchezes.  Okay, maybe not the Freddy Sanchezes.  But you get what I’m sayin’.

Sarah Palin Thinks She Knows What Having “Cojones” Is All About

I can tell ya this much: those with cojones don’t quit their jobs as governor mid-term.  And they never use the phrase “hopey-changey”.  And they tend to not make up words, then compare themselves to Shakespeare.  Believe that.

The Yankees Have a Death Wish

How else does one explain their trading for Kerry Wood?  Look, I know Joba’s been bad and all… but Kerry Wood?  Seriously?  The Boss is rolling over, y’all.

clinton wedding.jpgA Chelsea Clinton Wedding Does Not A Camelot Make
Look, I know Bill Clinton is cool and all.  Hell, some might even say he’s… sexy.  But at the same time, no one would ever use the word ‘sexy’ to describe Hillary.  And Chelsea?  Exactly.  Let’s just agree that this whole Clinton shindig was more proof that what US America really longs for is ultimate regression: give us back our king; make us slaves to royal inbreeds; let the pope wreck the world with his medieval wordview.  I, frankly, will not be a part of it.  I will finish my spaceship and move to Betelgeuse, where I belong.  But I’m taking my collection of scorecards with me.

And, of course… I also learned that…

ryan ludwick running.jpgIt’s So Hard to Say Goodbye… To Ryan Ludwick
Admittedly, Luddy ain’t no Albert.  He ain’t no Yadi.  He ain’t no Waino.  But he is Luddy… and over the last few years we’ve really learned to appreciate his bat, his patience, his gamesmanship.  And we’re gonna miss that.  Ludwick has always been one of those quiet warriors — a stoic gamer who never shies from giving his best effort, even when that means playing through pain.  But the Cardinals needed pitching.  And with the outfield logjam set up by the excellent play of John Jay, there wasn’t room for Ludwick anyway.  The Padres are gettin’ a boost.  We’re gettin’ the arm we need.  And everyone ought to be happy (except for the Indians who currently reside in baseball hell).

We’re gonna miss ya, Ryan.

Don’t hate me.

‘Cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

(Special thanks to C for the top photo)

Another Homerun Brought to You by Jamie Moyer

bachmann_palin.jpgI try to watch Jon Stewart as much as possible since he seems to be the only person who realizes how bat-sh!t crazy Michele Bachmann truly is.  She’s like Sarah Palin with less brains and less media savvy.  Yeah, scary.

But I also like Stewart because he does a great job of getting his comic friends to drop by and ostensibly promote the shows they’re working on.  For instance, Denis Leary is a regular guest and just the other week I saw both Chris Rock and Adam Sandler on the show together.  It’s a good thing when you can count guys like that among your friends and when they actually return your phone calls.  Yeah, Jeff.  I’m talking to you.  Ever answer your phone there big guy?

Sorry.  Back to the point.  The thing of it is, though, that Stewart and his guests rarely talk about the show or movie they’ve stopped by to promote.  They make an attempt but then it goes out the window and it’s more like watching a conversation between two old friends and you were lucky enough to be there.  Like a recent episode when Louis C. K. stopped by to talk about his new show.  They showed a clip, it was funny but then most of the conversation was about other random stuff.

But when I finally saw a little bit more about Louis’ show, I realized that I may have missed out on something spectacular.  See if you catch it at the end of this clip………

……..Yeah, Jamie Moyer!  Dishing up the homerun like it’s going out of style.  Sadly, I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t have the same effect if I tried it.

-A

They Call Me Chief Running Joke

In baseball, if it’s a joke you want, it’s the Pittsburgh Pirates you get.  No question.

In US American politics… Sarah Palin.

Television?  The Office‘s “that’s what she said” bit.

And now, for your viewing pleasure, two of those three… put together:

Hate me ‘cuz I know magic, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Going Rogue? Or Going Crazy…

sarah palin going rogue.jpgThis Going Rogue business is mostly all about making money… right?

If that’s the case, then great; I applaud thee, Sarah Palin.  Sell your book!  Make money!  It’s the US American way!

Unfortunately, reason tells me that ex-Governor Palin has a hard time separating fantasy from reality — that she is absolutely serious when she says she wants to play a major role in American politics — that she isn’t going away anytime soon.

While she remains silent on any possible presidential plans, one must assume that is the ultimate goal. 

And that is insane.

So too is her sheepish quip that she will run only “if people will have me.”

Hmm.  Perhaps Madame Palin should start by asking the people of Alaska if they will have her after she abandoned them and her gubernatorial post midterm.  Or perhaps she should ask the people of Russia if they don’t mind her looking at them from her living room.  Or perhaps she should just take the money this book and subsequent tour will generate and run, run, run… back into relative obscurity — where she belongs.

We see this sort of thing in baseball all the time.  Players come from out of nowhere.  They shine.  They burn out.  They go away.  Some quicker than others. 

Mark Fidrych.  Pete Incaviglia.  Eric Gagne.

Eric Gagne.jpgRemember, Sarah, remember.  Remember Eric Gagne  — a man who spent last season with the Quebec Capitales of the independent Canadian-American League.  (Yeah, I’ve never heard of it either)  Here’s a man who, at one time, was more than just unhittable.  He was mad, maniacal, morbid in his destruction of opposing hitters.  He recorded 84 consecutive saves for Christ’s sake!  He was lights out!  He was the master of the universe!

Now, the Brewers don’t even want him.

And that is sad.

Go away now, while you can, Mrs. Palin… go back to the wilderness while you still have some inkling of pride.  I will support you in that endeavor.

YOU BETCHA!

Hate me ‘cuz I won’t buy this book, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff