Tagged: Scalia

Slaying Allen’s Specters

Doggie guru Cesar Millan has taught me many a valuable life lesson.  The first — and most important — is that I am the pack leader.  In order to maintain pack leader status, I must emit a calm yet dominant energy.  A brief scan of recent RSBS posts would be more than enough to convince every living being of my fulfillment of this necessary role.  Second: happiness comes from excercise, discipline, then affection, in that order and in that order only.  Food is optional.  Just ask the Olsen twins.  They seem to be doing fine.  But sometimes, dear readers, these are not enough.  Fear is an untouchable giant among short people and fear can cause myriad setbacks to one’s personal success, satisfaction, serenity.
For this reason, I have decided not to argue with Mr. Krause on his most recent ramblings regarding MLB playoff restructuring.  Despite his fixation on how greedy and seedy MLB front offices tend to be and besides his disconnect with the purism-is-passion campaign I so wholeheartedly support, he does make a few good points.  In short, nothing is going to change right now, so I might as well get used to it and hope for the best.

Just for today, I’m content with that.

Fear, which has long been an issue my Tiger-lovin’ friend has struggled with, must be addressed.  If I were to walk away without confronting his deepest, underlying and now-in-the-open anxieties, I would be a poor voice for US Americans.  In his last post, he let it be known that:

“…a specter came back to haunt me today…”

That specter’s name is Jeff Samardzija — Notre Dame superstar and latest edition to the Chicago Cubs pitching staff.  Admittedly, I share no love for the man just as I share no love for Notre Dame nor the Cubs; however, to me, he is a man.  Unfortunately for Mr. Krause, Samardzija has taken on an entirely phantasmal nature capable of penetrating and destroying his entire being.

And Samardzija is not the only one…

Dear readers, this must stop.  It must stop today.  And as Cesar has so rightfully taught us, it will stop by confronting, defeating and slaying.  Attention all specters inhabiting Allen Krause’s mind: Be Gone!

regis.philbin.jpgRegis Philbin, Be Gone!
Famed Notre Dame alumnus known for entertaining housewives for over two decades now, this specter haunted Allen by asking “Who wants to be a millionaire?” to which Allen responded, “Who wants my foot in his ^ss?”

lidge_clemens.jpgThe Combination of Brad Lidge and Roger Clemens, Be Gone!
Lidge went to Notre Dame and became a fire-balling closer infamous for losing his mind under pressure.  Clemens wore a Notre Dame jersey for a publicity stunt and pressured his body by juicing it until he lost his mind.

Hannah-Storm.jpgHannah Storm, Be Gone!
This Notre Dame graduate (are you seeing a pattern develop?) became a female sports broadcasting star with NBC — the ultimate purveyor of all-things Fighting Irish.  In specter form, she subliminally caused Allen’s abhorrent distaste for white women.

phil.donahue.jpgPhil Donahue, Be Gone!
He’s loud.  He’s obnoxious.  He’s much older than Allen yet has more hair.  He supports Ralph Nader.  And oh yeah, he went to Notre Dame.

Carl.yastrzemski.jpgCarl Yastrzemski, Be Gone!
With that name, it’s hard to believe he went to Notre Dame but it’s true.  He did.  And his nickname was “Yaz”, which spelled backwards is “Zay”, like the language spoken in Ethiopia.  And you know what you can find in Ethiopia?  Missionaries.  Catholic missionaries.  Catholic missionaries who have ties to Notre Dame.  Yeah, Yaz’s specter is one that runs circles around Mr. Krause’s mind.

antonin.scalia.jpgAntonin Scalia, Be Gone!
Not a Notre Dame grad, but he might as well be.  A highly conservative supreme court justice who just happens to be Catholic (not a bad thing in my book — the Catholic part), Allen saw him wearing blue and gold once and jumped to conclusions… Scalia’s been fear-mongering ever since.

aaron.heilman.jpgAaron Heilman, Be Gone!
You guessed it.  A Notre Damer.  Also pitches in New York, for the Mets.  Famous for giving up the 9th inning dinger to Yadier Molina that put the Cardinals in the 2006 World Series against the Tigers (whom they eventually destroyed), Allen still holds a grudge against this specter.  Also interesting is the fact that Heilman sounds a lot like Heisman, which is a prestigious college football award bestowed upon Tim Brown — also from Notre Dame — in 1987, which is a year that the Cardinals went to the World Series and the Tigers did not (though they were close).

ce Thomas
, Be Gone!
(see Antonin Scalia)

craig.counsell.jpgCraig Counsell, Be Gone!
Notre Dame grad.  Weird batting stance.  Doesn’t wear batting gloves.  ‘Nuff said.

…and finally, the biggest, most bothersome, most destructive specter of them all:

jeff lung with dog.jpgMe.
Nope.  No affiliation with the Fighting Irish.  But I do adore my beagle, come out of arguments on the right side and haunt Allen Krause to the utmost degree…

And I ain’t goin’ anywhere, Al, so you just better get used to it. 

I know it’s tough, but don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.




The Filibuster

“As much as you dislike the National League, its purer rules have provided an abundance of drama this week as pitchers have been coming through at the plate: Micah Owings’ game-tying homerun versus the Astros, Carlos Zambrano’s opposite field shot at Wrigley and the Cincinnati Reds couldn’t get former pitcher Rick Ankiel out to save their lives.  It’s late in the game, your bench is empty, but you need a clutch at-bat from one of your pitchers.  Who do you send to the dish and why?”



I actually think that this is a great question and it’s something I was thinking about earlier this week while I was looking at the recap of Owings’ heroics. As much as I talk about the American League being superior to the NL, I do like the analytical aspect of having the pitcher bat. It makes the role of the manager much more important and allows for more creativity.

However, I think this question also leads to some other interesting facets of the game because it’s interesting to see how pitchers react when they switch leagues. For instance, Johan Santana is not someone you think of as a hitter but that’s because he’s spent his entire career until now in the AL. But, when you look at his numbers in the few games he played interleague, he didn’t acquit himself all that terribly. So, the Mets, in addition to getting one of the best pitchers in the game, also picked up a guy who’s not a total liability in the nine-hole. That’s a huge advantage to any team.

Now, I’m not saying that I’d send Santana up to bat at the end of the game when I need some clutch hitting but it’s nice to get a little more than you bargained for. And let’s be honest here, at this point in the season, I’d say it’s a pretty easy decision that
the guy you’d love to have available is Micah Owings. I mean, the guy
is just a hell of a good hitter no matter how you look at it. Zambrano
has his upsides and Rick Ankiel is a good story but Ankiel is a
position player now so he doesn’t really count. And I’d say that
Zambrano and Owings are the only two pitchers I’d ever feel comfortable
sending to the plate when I really need to get something going.

Having said all that, I have to take exception to your initial premise that the NL is more pure. Like all sports, baseball has evolved over time and the DH is merely one more step in that evolution. You could easily argue that basketball is much less pure because they introduced the three point line and the shot clock. I mean, if it was still the same way Naismith wanted it, games would end 12-6 and you’d be bored out of your head. When it comes down to it, sports exist to entertain the masses and it is the masses that decide what they want. This leads to inevitable conflict between the strict constructionists (people like you) and the reformers (people who wear pink hats). So, perhaps “pure” is the correct term after all but pure does not always equate to “better.”  If you aren’t convinced, maybe you should take a look at what Scalia, Cheney and their merry band of strict constructionists have done to the Consitution.