I told myself that I wasn’t going to write about politics today. Yes, this blog is all about baseball and politics but with the Republican primaries going on, it seems like all I can do is mock the ridiculousness of the candidates. So, today, I wasn’t going to do this. Then I read about “the incident that almost was” yesterday at Tommy’s Country Ham House in South Carolina.
Yes, I know, the zaniness of Newt and Mitt both scheduling events for the same time at Tommy’s Country Ham House is almost unfathomable. It’s like a British farce without the intelligence. Or the British. Actually, I guess it’s just kind of a farce. I particularly like the fact that Newt seems to be intent on making the contest as high school as possible. The exact quote is, “I have a question. Where’s Mitt? I don’t think they have New England clam chowder on the menu.”
This guy is seriously being considered as the next president of the United States? It’s only a matter of time before he resorts to yo’ momma jokes. “Hey Mitt, yo’ momma’s so stupid, she named you Mitt.” To which Romney will of course reply, “Your name is Newt.” I ask again, these guys are seriously being considered as the next president of the United States?
Anyway, so much for not writing about politics today. I blame the Ham House. And South Carolina.
Nothing says US American like a cute, dumb, South Carolinian teenager proclaiming our need to help the “education like such as South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as”… well, I mean, nothing says US American like that and fireworks. Of course.
And boy are the fireworks a flyin’.
Satiating our drama-seeking souls, Placido Polanco provided plenty of fireworks after getting clipped in the nuts by a foul tip in last evening’s 16-inning game against the Twins. He took a long, painful breather before getting back in the batter’s box and hitting the game-winning single right back up the middle.
In Cincinnati, Albert Pujols — BASEBALL GOD INCARNATE — made a strong case for his being walked with the bases loaded. Instead, David Weathers (whom Albert owns) threw one right down central. Pujols wasted no time in hitting his fourth grand slam of the season.
Still, these on the field heroics have nothing on the fireworks Sarah Palin shot off Friday by announcing her resignation as governor of the great state of Alaska.
We put our faithful RSBS interns on the beat and they discovered the following reasons behind Palin’s controversial gubernatorial departure:
- Alaska is boring
- wants to move to Canada, where people actually know what a “hockey mom” is
- needs more time to combat pro-choice, but only in cases involving middle to upper class white people
- Todd Palin is tired of being shown up by his librarian-hot wife
- the Washington Nationals are holding tryouts and she’s been working on a knuckle ball
- wants to hunt down Katie Couric, shoot her and feed her to bears
- Lorne Michaels offered her a permanent role on SNL as the new reincarnation of Dana Carvey’s Church Lady (Tina Fey’s position as Palin will not change)
- experimenting with new medical procedure that will allow her to “grow a pair”
- embarrassed she misunderstood the TransCanada Pipeline project did not involve weed
- earmarked billions to provide maps to US Americans out there in our nation who don’t have maps, which will eventually aid the education like such as South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as so everyone can plainly see that the “bridge to nowhere” does go to a town with a population of 50 people, all of whom desperately need maps to find that $442 million bridge
Boom! Boom! Boom!
Happy 4th, my fellow US Americans!
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Tragically, Six Shot Dead in Chicago Over the Weekend…
…Cub fans were quick to blame the absences of a healthy Mark Prior and Kerry Wood.
Guy Tells Me I Should Read His Blog About His Fantasy Baseball Team Because “It’s Awesome”…
…said guy subsequently found not to have been laid since 1998.
Cardinals Make Deal to Land Mark DeRosa…
…he ain’t Matt Holliday; but even Matt Holliday ain’t Matt Holiday anymore. I like this move, if for no other reason than the fact that it has caused mass hysteria for Cub fans who regret seeing him go to make room for the $30 million .232 hitting Milton Bradley.
Washington Nationals Designate Kip Wells for Assignment…
…because if Dave Duncan couldn’t fix him, no one can (nor cares to)?
Coup Overthrows Honduran President Manuel Zelaya…
…thus proving that the recipe for success in South America is violence… and dictatorship… and coffee. Lots of coffee.
Cub Fan Heard Slamming White Sox Fan By Referencing the 1919 Black Sox Scandal, Again…
…same fan responsible for blaming six shooting deaths on the absences of a healthy Mark Prior and Kerry Wood.
MLB to Launch Streaming Video of Live In-Market Padres Games…
…this AMAZING feature comes just before you realize that a) the Padres su<k b) there are so many other, more exciting things to do in San Diego like Sea World, Chargers training camp and, of course, Mexico and c) Yes, David Eckstein is that short in real life.
Clint Hurdle Settling in as Analyst on the MLB Netowrk…
…even though his makeup gives him an orangish appearance on television, we shouldn’t focus on the fact that he was just fired by the Rockies, or that since his departure the Rockies have gone on a mad winning streak. We should be watching Hurdle like we watch the ugly girl at the dance: with a bottle of Jack and a heart full of sympathy.
Republican Governor Mark Sanford Returns to the Office After Screwing Argentinian for 8 Whole Years…
…because apparently having bad taste is a prerequisite to running the state of South Carolina.
Nick Green Doing A Great Job As Red Sox Shortstop…
…mostly because his name is not Julio Lugo.
Of course, Green would do a lot better job if he happened to be a healthy Mark Prior or Kerry Wood.
You know this.
So don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.