Tagged: Spring Training

How to Get Away While You’re Getting Away

In some ways Jeff and I are lucky men.  We both have the freedom that comes from being single although this also means we suffer its attendant sorrows.  For instance, on this Friday evening neither one of us will enjoy the delightful presence of a woman keeping us company.  And while this means that we are both free to watch as many spring training highlights as time will permit, it also means that the only whispers waking us up tomorrow morning will come from the TV we forgot to turn off.

The only real upside to this whole sad situation is that neither one of us will have any need of the following device in the near future.  Unless, perhaps, they install them in baseball stadiums so we can convince our bosses that we really are in the hospital donating a kidney.  Oops, gotta go.  Time for dialysis.

Happy Friday!

-A

Royals’ Intrasquad Games Best Chance to See a Royals WIN!

royals skull.jpgSometimes I worry that I beat the same tired joke into the ground, causing dear readers galore to groan, growl and grow weary of my tasteless ways.

And then I will run across a headline, like this one on MLB.com, and realize that all of my spew is actually rim-shot-worthy material just writing itself at tremendous speed.  The part I play is actually quite minuscule as I am merely an ebullient conduit for said spew.  Any negative repercussions are clearly someone else’s fault (I’m the oldest of seven kids, so I’m an expert at redirecting blame).

But to be perfectly clear, I do not want to be the Matt Drudge of Major League Baseball — one who takes simple news stories with rigid headlines and turns them into bits of sultry, one-sided crap by reconstructing their titles with right wing conservative Christian buzz words in large red font with quotation marks ad nauseum (this is also known as fear mongering).  If I may be trite, a news story is what it is.

And the Royals are what they are, with or without my chiding.

So let’s face it: the Royals are an abomination. They may not be on the exact level of abomination as the Pirates, but they are close behind.  Just look at the rosters for those two intrasquad teams mentioned in the linked article:

Team 1: Scott Podsednik, LF; Chris Getz, 2B; David DeJesus, RF;
Josh Fields, 3B; Rick Ankiel, CF; Alberto Callaspo, 2B; Wilson Betemit,
DH; Ernesto Mejia, 1B; Brayan Pena, C.

Team 2: Mitch Maier, LF; Jason Kendall, C; Billy Butler, 1B;
Jose Guillen, RF; Alex Gordon, 3B; Scott Thorman, DH; Mike Aviles, 2B;
Brian Anderson, CF; Yuniesky Betancourt, SS.

Now, tell me you aren’t laughing as hard as I am.

Was that a bit harsh?

I don’t know.  Isn’t it a bit harsh on the five or six fans left in Kansas City to know that their big offseason acquisitions include an old guy who used to run well, a walking concussion who can’t hit a breaking ball and another old guy who… well, okay, Jason Kendall might teach those kids something… but Wilson Betemit!?! WTF!?!?

All jokes aside, I can tell you this: there was a time when Royals baseball invoked fear in the minds of all opponents.  Nowadays the only thing invoked by the Kansas City Royals is a quick change of the channel.

Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

That’s What “Z” Said!

michael scott.jpgSpring training is underway, folks, and that means it’s time for a Chicago Cub to say something outlandishly stupid!

In 2007, Carlos Zambrano predicted the Cubs would win the World Series.

They did not.

In 2008, Ryan Dempster predicted the Cubs would win the World Series.

They did not.

In 2009, Milton Bradley predicted the Cubs would win the World Series.

They did not.

So who will it be this year?  Will it be cockfighter extraordinaire Aramis Ramirez?  How about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Soto?  What about newcomer Marlon “Gee, I Hope the Bleacher Bums Don’t Give Me the” Byrd?  And what if everyone keeps their mouths shut?!?

Worry not, dear readers, for staff “ace” (I guess being fat, lazy and hot-headed constitutes as being an “ace” even if you only win nine games) Carlos Zambrano got a head start on the stupid train last September when he vowed he would retire after 2010 if he had yet another poor season.

Uh… yeah.  Okay.  And Alfonso Soriano can hit a breaking ball low and away. 

Something tells me that even if “Z” does have another poor season (and I sincerely hope he does), he still isn’t that stupid to leave a guaranteed $55 million on the table, to walk away from the game.
 
carlos zambrano crazy.jpgThen again, this is Carlos Zambrano we’re talking about. 

So hate me haters ‘cuz ya love to hate, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I”m right.

Peace,

Jeff

Tevye Can’t Touch THIS Tradition

tevye.jpgI know what you’re thinking, dear readers, and let me assure you: yes, indeed I did just make a Fiddler on the Roof reference.

BAM!

That’s because, as I write this, Major League pitchers and catchers are reporting to their respective training camps; and after a long, cold, hard winter of Brad Lidge, Milton Bradley and Kyle Farnsworth bashing, we can all finally relax knowing our hallowed game is springing back to life.

A year ago this week, my cynical and oft busy-body colleague Mr. Allen Krause, and I took to the streets of Chicago to proclaim our undying crush on the game of baseball.  Luckily for you there was a film crew following us, not to mention an ebullient David Archuleta, who lent us his tunes, to make a point.

And as we hope will be a long and prosperous tradition of ringing in the new baseball season, we (re)present to you the definitive RSBS tradition:

Hell yes, we love our baseball and no, we aren’t afraid to show it.

Now, aren’t ya glad I didn’t write that Evan Bayh piece I was workin’ on?

Nah. You can’t hate me today. ‘Cuz you know I’m right.

Peace,

Jeff

RSBS TV: 2009 NL Central Preview

Produced, shot and edited by Atonal Studios.

Special thanks to Theo Roll.

Very
special thanks to Albert Pujols — the only man who can make Jeff wobble like a newborn calf.

(For best playback results, watch in High Quality)

RSBS TV: 2009 NL East Preview

Produced, shot and edited by Atonal Studios.

Special thanks to Theo Roll.

Very special thanks to Youppi, the vaguely effeminate mascot of the late great Montreal Expos for giving hope to French Canadians worldwide… okay, maybe not worldwide, but you get the idea.

(For best playback results, watch in High Quality)

RSBS TV: 2009 NL West Preview

Produced, shot and edited by Atonal Studios.

Special thanks to Theo Roll.

Very special thanks to Manny Ramirez for being the baseball playing equivalent of 20th Century Fox’s hit interstellar horror icon, Predator

“If it bleeds, we can kill it.”

(For best playback results, watch in High Quality)