The names were different, yes, but the destruction was equally devastating. Maybe even more.
I’m talking about the EPIC FAIL that was the 2012 NLCS, compared to the one that first stopped by heart 16 years ago. Yes, in 1996 it was Todd Stottlemyre in the role of Lance Lynn, with Andy Benes as Chris Carpenter and Donavon Osborne as Kyle “I Ain’t A Big Game Pitcher” Lohse.
It was Ozzie’s last year, Tony’s first and the first time back to the World Series since 1987 and the uncomfortable early 90’s era Redbirds… or so I thought.
Up three games to one in the best of seven series against the Atlanta Braves, the jockstraps came off a team that simply couldn’t score any runs; and instead of spending the last days of October in complete ecstasy, the 17-year old me stayed locked away in a dark closet, reading Nietzsche by a flashlight, ultimately coming back to the same redundant question: WHAT… IS… THE POINT?
I still don’t know. What is the point? Why get so worked up over something so silly? I wish I knew. And, for RSBS‘ sake, I sure hope Mr. Krause doesn’t have to find out. Not this year. So yeah, um… go Tigers.
Also, Marco Scutaro is my Toby Flenderson.
Don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
Like any good book, the baseball season unfolds as a series of intriguing stories. Mike Trout. Bryce Harper. The Baltimore Orioles. The Boston sell-off. ROIDS!!! These are all striking plot lines that draw us in, forcing us to check Twitter and MLB Trade Rumors and MLB Tonight as often as Mr. Krause uses a 5-year old picture of me looking like a goof.
Yet, at the end of the season, after the World Champions have been crowned, the champagne has been drunk and Ozzie Guillen has said something unintelligible on live television, I firmly believe that the biggest story of the year could be the complete reversal of what up until a few weeks ago looked like a major headline grabber.
That’s right. I’m talking to you, Pittsburgh Pirates.
Not even International Talk Like A Pirate Day could save loyal baseball fans in the Steel City from wanting to bring back the brown paper bags from the last 19 years.
With the losses on Wednesday and Thursday, the Pirates find themselves back where they belong, with a losing record.
It’s sad, right? I guess. No. I know. It is sad. But for a realist like me, it was also predictable. The Pirates doing well would be a surprise. Seeing them sink back into loserdom is not.
Speaking of losers, you are not one today, my friend. In fact, you just won! What did you win? Well, I can’t leave you feeling so sad on a Friday… so here are 18 glorious minutes of bloopers from The Office.
In 2007, Carlos Zambrano predicted the Cubs would win the World Series.
They did not.
In 2008, Ryan Dempster predicted the Cubs would win the World Series.
They did not.
In 2009, Milton Bradley predicted the Cubs would win the World Series.
They did not.
So who will it be this year? Will it be cockfighter extraordinaire Aramis Ramirez? How about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Soto? What about newcomer Marlon “Gee, I Hope the Bleacher Bums Don’t Give Me the” Byrd? And what if everyone keeps their mouths shut?!?
Worry not, dear readers, for staff “ace” (I guess being fat, lazy and hot-headed constitutes as being an “ace” even if you only win nine games) Carlos Zambrano got a head start on the stupid train last September when he vowed he would retire after 2010 if he had yet another poor season.
Uh… yeah. Okay. And Alfonso Soriano can hit a breaking ball low and away.
Something tells me that even if “Z” does have another poor season (and I sincerely hope he does), he still isn’t that stupid to leave a guaranteed $55 million on the table, to walk away from the game.
Then again, this is Carlos Zambrano we’re talking about.
So hate me haters ‘cuz ya love to hate, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I”m right.
Writing is therapy.
So let’s give this a try.
Valentine’s Day weekend may be over, but the imperfect thoughts left to simmer in my consciousness are still very active — so much so that I feel the only way I can avoid them is to disclose them to everyone who reads these pages.
Indeed, I have a pretty unhealthy crush on Jenna Fischer (Pam from The Office). It’s a new thing. It’ll go away, eventually… I think.
But just so you understand my pain, this is what dealing with this crush is like:
They say that without pain, you will never really know what it feels like to feel good.
But it still hurts like hell.
Hate me, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
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PS. This picture essay originally appeared on Sky God!, my alter-ego site, which you are all welcome to check out. Updated often. Though be warned, things are definitely rated R over there.
In baseball, if it’s a joke you want, it’s the Pittsburgh Pirates you get. No question.
In US American politics… Sarah Palin.
Television? The Office‘s “that’s what she said” bit.
And now, for your viewing pleasure, two of those three… put together:
Hate me ‘cuz I know magic, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.