Unless we’re talking about the cavernous anatomy of a female Kardashian, despite my best efforts, I still have not been able to pinpoint the location of a reachable and workable worm hole. Hadron Colliders the size of Prince Fielder’s appetite are also difficult to find these days. And let’s not even start talkin’ about the insane price of rocket fuel!
So how do I propose we travel back in time?
We open our eyes and take in the train wreck that is the Republican primary!
Want to live in a world where a woman’s reproductive rights don’t matter? Vote Republican!
Want to live in a world where your life is governed by an invisible sky daddy whose literary tome is as angry, erratic and suspect as a Manny Ramirez press conference? Vote Republican!
Want to live in a world where the ONE candidate who ACTUALLY MAKES SOME SENSE is so shunned that he doesn’t even have ONE person embedded in his campaign to report what is actually going on? Vote Republican!
We might not be able to travel back in time to stop the JFK assassination or Don Denkinger’s blindness during the ’85 Series, but as the above scenarios prove, we can go back about 100 years without much effort. Just know that, if we do, it may only be a matter of time before they may decide it is okay to own human beings and to kill others simply because they believe in a different fairytale.
Hate me. Whatevs. Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
While reading about a recent event in Sweden, I had an idea. If it’s possible to split atoms on a stovetop, perhaps I could push the technology a bit further and figure out a little stovetop time travel. Think of the possibilities…….
I could go back to 2006 and make sure the Tigers beat the Cardinals in the Series. You know, with the butterfly effect and all, it could even be something really simple like making my 2006 self do something slightly differently. Of course I’d do this after the Tigers had knocked off the Athletics to go to the Series but one little change and it’s an alternate universe where David Eckstein plays as small as he really is.
Or I could do like Back to the Future and place a few strategic bets that would leave my future self comfortable for life. Imagine if I bet on Butler making the NCAA final two years in a row. Yeah, that would be something.
Or what about all those awkward moments where you think of the perfect thing to say right after the other person has left. Imagine showing up as some sort of future-based teleprompter. No more “the jerk store called and they’re running out of you” for this guy.
Right about this point, though, I hit the next article which immediately snapped me out of my reverie. Time travel impossible? But what about Doc Brown? What about the DeLorean? What about the Tigers finally winning in 2006? Stupid scientists. I guess this stovetop will remain dedicated to the production of macaroni and cheese.