I was going to write something clever about the Army/Rutgers football game that took place at Yankee Stadium yesterday before I realized: no one cares about Army or Rutgers football and unless the Yankees are playing, no one cares about Yankee Stadium stadium either. So instead, I would like to turn back the clock and shed some light on my lugubrious and oft mysterious colleague, Mr. Allen Krause.
As has been mentioned before, Mr. Krause and I met as freshmen in college — a time when long standing family values give way to good old fashioned drunken curiosity and late night emergency room visits take the place of family game night. Lucky for you, the RSBS interns were able to scrounge up some old footage of us playing dizzy bat. Clearly, I am the one spinning and Mr. Krause, well, he’s the one who saves his beer, despite some painful circumstances.
It may be 14 years later, but his priorities haven’t changed; and that is something that deserves applause. Good job, Mr. Krause!
Hate me ‘cuz I drudge up the past, just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
I don’t want to alarm anybody or prey on your fears but you should all know that god is dead and the devil has won. “But Allen,” you’re probably asking right now, “How is this possible?” Well, it’s really quite simple. Let me refer you to the classic documentary in which Doctors Venkman and Spengler expertly deal with all manner of paranormal aberrations. Now, as anyone who has seen the film well knows, the only way to avoid the end of the world is to make sure that the “Keymaster” and the “Gatekeeper” do not get together. If they do, well, it’s over.
So, you can only imagine how my heart sank the other day when I read that the Keymaster and Gatekeeper are on a collision course and their unholy union will be consummated on 20 November 2010. Seriously, we are knowingly allowing the Yankees and Notre Dame to combine their evil powers together? I don’t want to go to far over the edge here but you should know that it will form the most pure nexus of evil ever known in the history of the planet.
At least by then we may have bigger worries. That’s right folks, at that point we may have insurance coverage for each and every American. And as bad as Zuul may have been, there’s nothing worse than universal health care. Don’t believe me? Just watch this public service announcement from the always civic minded Stephen Colbert:
|The Colbert Report||Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c|
|Health Care Hell-Scare – Die-agnosis: Mur-DR|
Happy Saturday y’all!
My esteemed colleague, Mr. Lung, called me out recently (ok, yesterday) about the fact that I have not yet lived up to my end of the bargain we made regarding the Tigers-Cardinals series this past weekend. And he’s right, I haven’t. However, I want to assure him and our readers that I’m good on my word and I will pay up in full very soon.
See, there’s a problem out there today. We all have responsibilities in life and it’s important that we live up to them. For instance, Kyle Farnsworth is responsible for providing me with tales of his suckitude and for that I thank him because he completely fulfills that role. Likewise, the Cardinals will continue to disappoint Jeff after that high point they hit in 2006 and when his man-crush, Albert, leaves in a couple years, he’ll be left with nothing but a DVD set of highlights from that magical year.
There’s another thing we could always count on, though, which isn’t so true anymore: ballplayers being there for us. Things like calling home run shots, hitting one out of the park for a sick kid or being there before and after the game to sign autographs. But that’s just not the case anymore.
For instance, the new Yankee Stadium was purposely designed not to be the most fan friendly place and when you’re paying a week’s salary to go to the game, well, that kind of matters. And I’m sure every baseball fan has heard the Alex Rios story by now and seen the video. I’m not saying that harassing a ballplayer is justified but it seems like the distance between the players and the fans just keeps growing. Again, I’m not saying they should be going out for a beer with us after the game but is signing an autograph going to kill you, buddy?
Anyway, I guess my point is that I am not a Yankee, seeking to duck the fans and escape when the game is over nor am I an Alex Rios ignoring fans and autograph seekers. When it comes down to it, when I’m faced with my responsibilities, I man up and take care of it. However, unfortunately for Mr. Lung and our dear readers, I am a procrastinator so you’ll have to wait.
Dear readers! There is finally a reason to read a news magazine! That’s right, folks, the June 8th edition of Newsweek will be guest edited by neo-con-politico-pundit-funnyman, Stephen Colbert. Don’t know who he is? Don’t worry. Neither does Kanye. And Kanye is awesome.
Admittedly, I haven’t read Newsweek since my high school AP History class and even then I was more interested in the pictorial court drama of O.J. Simpson than the actual news, but you can bet I’m gonna read this one because no one knows faux headlines like Colbert (well, maybe Katie Couric).
And I am not alone. The buzz around this avant-garde editorial decision is already hyping the masses, which got me thinking… what kind of immediate and notorious media blitz would errupt around the interwebosphere if MLB.com allowed Mr. Krause and I (and our RSBS cronies) to guest edit its website and inform baseball fans galore on all the game’s most exciting threads.
Well, wonder no more ‘cuz we already started on the following headlines (just in case they come’a knockin’):
Fortune Teller Madame Zelda from a West Baltimore Shanty-Town Proclaims Cubs Might Win It All in 2208
…against their crosstown rival the Chicago Brewers of Milwaukee, Wisconsin
ESPN to Broadcast All Royals Games for an Entire Month
…subject to blackout where good baseball teams are appreciated
Did You Know President Obama is a White Sox Fan with Muslim Roots, a White Mom and an African Dad? That’s Crazy!!!
…it really is
Beat the Streak! Accurately Predict How Many Times Milton Bradley Will Go on the Disabled List and Win Free Gift with Purchase!
…minimum purchase of $500 to be eligible
David Ortiz Is Actually Cecil Fielder
…ah, yes, now it makes sense
Vote for Your Favorite Steroid Enhanced All-Stars; Cheating Welcome!
…Hint: Select Manny Ramirez for every position, for every team, forever
Entire MLB Network Staff to Be Fired Except for Mitch Williams
…’cuz Mitch is the only one worth saving
Mitchell Report Sequel Due Out Next Spring Entitled “THE MITCHELL MINORITY REPORT”
…features the plight of a distraught and sensationalized Tom Cruise jumping on couches determined to catch only minorities using PEDs before they actually use them
Charles Barkley to Write Weekly MLB Editorial Featuring Nothing but F-Bombs and P-Drops
…why? Because we can… we want to… and we know the FCC could use the money
Please Buy Old Yankee Stadium Urinals
…’cuz we gotta pay C.C. and A.J. and Tex and A-Rod and Jeter and A-Rod’s child support and alimony and attorney fees and publicist and strippers and estranged cousin in the Dominican Republic and his child support and alimony…and….
MLB.com, if you’re reading, it’s time to give RSBS its guest editing wings and take this show to a new, exciting, frightening place. And I guarantee that, in the end, you will hate me.
Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
During the past week we watched the opening of two new multi-million
dollar stadiums in New York City and during this time MLB and the major
sports channels more or less ignored everything else going on around
the league. Was the opening of the new Yankee Stadium and Citi Field
really such important news or was Heath Bell accurate in saying that
ESPN and other providers are completely focused on a few teams to the
detriment of the rest of the league?
Pardon me for being a-holishly frank, dear readers, but I think it is pretty damn sad that it took Heath Bell (of all reinvented people) to bring the media’s obvious love affair with New York and Boston into the public domain. Nothing against, Heath, who has now become my own personal savior for his ESPN remarks, but we here at RSBS as well as myriad Joe Six-Packs in sports bars galore all across Anytowns, US America, have been harping on this oh-so-blatant injustice for years now.
Heath Bell said:
“I truly believe ESPN only cares about promoting the Red Sox and
Yankees and Mets – and nobody else. That’s why I like the MLB Network, because they promote everybody. I’m
really turned off by ESPN and ‘Baseball Tonight.’ When Jake Peavy threw
8 1/3 innings on Saturday, they showed one pitch in the third inning
and that was it. It’s all about the Red Sox, Yankees and Mets.”
True story, Heath. True story.
Just for the record, regarding the two new ballparks in New York (one of which cost $1.5 billion) let me just say that I don’t remember there being such a fuss over the new Busch Stadium or PNC Park or even Nationals Park for that matter.
Yet all week long I have been bombarded with information I could care less about:
- The first homerun in new Yankee Stadium.
- The first multi-RBI game at CITI Field.
- The first blab-hole jerkazoid kicked out of new Yankee Stadium for using foul language and fists to explain his innermost self-loathing while watching the Indians score 14 runs in one inning.
I don’t care.
And I ain’t alone.
The good news is, Heath Bell’s voice was heard and ESPN reacted quickly by having him on Baseball Tonight. Shortly after that, the once monopolizing baseball program introduced it’s 30 Team Ticker, which offers tidbits of information on all 30 teams at the bottom of the screen while the analysts blab on about how much they love the Red Sox, Yankees and Mets.
But just like the leaderless GOP of 2008 desperately trying to reinvent its image after devastating the public by dropping the ball in New Orleans and Iraq while allowing the economy to collapse over and over again… it was just too little, too late.
Folks, we have a choice. Join Al and I; heed Heath Bell’s call.
Switch to the MLB Network. Enjoy equal coverage. Play the RSBS Harold Reynolds drinking game.
Just don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m right.
In case you hadn’t noticed recently, things are a little rough out there in the world. When organizations like “Cash for Gold” are advertising during the Superbowl, well, you know that it’s going to hurt when we finally hit bottom. But how will this frantic fusillade of FUBAR affect the teams we really care about? And when I say “teams we really care about,” I’m using the ESPN definition which means Boston, the two New York teams and occasionally Philadelphia.
Well, the news is mixed. Boston appears to be sitting pretty and Philly just wrote and directed a hit World Series so they aren’t sweating it. But, considering that this is a “financial crisis” and the financial capital of our fair country is New York, one would expect the Big Apple to be hit extra hard. And one would be correct.
With both teams set to move into new stadiums this year and with the accompanying ticket price mugging, it’s not a good time to be a marketer for the Yankees or Mets. Those bankers just aren’t throwing the cash around like they used to. Perhaps it’s because their new day jobs don’t allow for such wanton displays of consumption.
But the big question is, what happens to the new stadiums themselves? I’m sure the new Yankee Stadium won’t be affected but what about the Mets’ new ballpark where the main sponsor is now almost half-owned by the government? If this is the future of CitiBank (NSFW):
…then what is the future of Citi’s deal with the Mets? Is it this? Or should we believe this? It probably doesn’t help when you’ve managed to catch the attention of some boisterous politicians, either. Just ask former ambassador Charles Freeman about that one.
At this point, though, no one knows what is going to happen. Maybe the Mets will do like the Astros following the Enron debacle and find a new sponsor. Welch’s Grape Juice, perhaps? And maybe Citi will go ahead and decide that plowing part of their Federal stimulus money into some ego-stroking m^sturbation is just what the doctor ordered. All I know is that I’ll be busy melting down my class ring and wondering how much Ed McMahon will give me for it.
This weekend will see the very last game ever at hallowed Yankee Stadium. On this blog you have made it no secret that you are everything anti-Yankees, but even you must feel some sadness in seeing this historical and cultural relic fall to the wrecking ball. Please enlighten us with some of your favorite Yankee Stadium memories; while doing so, try not to shed too many tears.
I only visited Yankee Stadium one time while I living in NYC. I remember it well.
The year was 2006 and the Tigers were lighting up the American League on their magical (but tragically aborted) run to the World Series. A friend of mine got tickets through her company when the Tigers came into town for a series with the Yankees and so I found myself in the Bronx on a weeknight in September. Well, I assume it was September. I don’t really remember all that well. And that was when my magical night began.
First off, I came straight from work so I had my small messenger bag with me. Bad idea. Turns out you’re not allowed to carry anything into Yankee Stadium with you. So instead I had to check it at a bowling alley next door. When I finally got inside, the seats were amazing, right down in a field box along the 1st base line but there was one small problem. Yankee fans. Of course I suppose I should have expected it since I had worn my Tigers hat. But I didn’t realize that I had basically signed up for a couple hours of taunting.
The taunting was bearable up until they hit the point in game where “God Bless America” is sung. Now, I love my country and I always stand for the “Star Spangled Banner.” I could not be more proud to be an American and that’s why I took a job where I could serve my country. But this whole “God Bless America” fad is nothing but a post-9/11 NYC conceit and I’m an atheist to boot so I remained in my seat.
Turns out that this was a bad idea since the taunting then took on a whole new level of awfulness. From that point on, even after the song was finished, I was accused of everything from hating America to being a child rapist. Granted, Yankee fans are known for their boorishness and my experience was actually better than others I have heard about. But after that experience my feelings towards Yankee Stadium are similar to my feelings towards France. It would be a wonderful place if not for the people in it.
So, that’s what I think about Yankee Stadium’s imminent passing into history. The best thing I can say about “The House that Ruth Built” is that at least it’s better than Shea.